My gut told me something wasn’t quite right. Your words didn’t match what I saw in your eyes or your actions. The feeling didn’t go away, I started to doubt myself. Was I imagining it? You kept telling me I was being foolish. I hurt on the inside. I wanted to believe in you. My gut said no! Finally, I had to make the painful choice to walk away. I named it self preservation.
A year later we started chatting again. Like old friends. You told me that I had hurt you terribly. We talked about why I had left. You chatted about all the things you had been doing, how you had overcome challenges and made a change for the better. I listened, but kept my distance.Time went on, you started calling me every day, often more than once. You were saying things I had so longed to hear the previous year. In my mind, I thought maybe there had been a change. But still, I kept my distance.
We shared our thoughts and dreams in hours of conversations and we laughed. It was more than good and it felt great. You invited me places, but my schedule wasn’t open. I apologized. This went on for a couple of months. I continued to keep you at arms length. It seemed best to wait and see. My gut was quiet.
Then came the day I decided that maybe your words were true and your actions would back them. My schedule cleared, I made the plunge to spend some quality time with you. Within 24 hours, my gut went crazy with red flags. I started seeing what I had witnessed the year before. Your words started to match your actions. All those months of talk, was just that… talk. Once again, it was time for me to go. As I drove away, the flood of tears started along with that familiar knife stab pain in my heart.
Blessed or cursed with being a hopeless romantic, I kept thinking, maybe it was just a bad day. My gut knew better.
I believe in teamwork and sharing the hard times. That life is easier when you weather any storm together. My mind replays our long conversations of the last few months. Hidden in your words, was the fact that you had plans to do it on your own.
Now, it has been days since I have heard from you. A part of me still wants you in my life. I miss our friendship. Though, I have realized that you are still emotionally unavailable.
You loved the challenge of trying to win me back. And once I was there, you were gone.
I will always pick up the phone when you call. I will always be your friend if you need one. But, I won’t be sitting here waiting for that phone to ring. My time is a very valuable commodity. Too much of that time has been wasted on hopes and dreams of what we could be. What we could have been. It was a lesson I had to endure. Hell, I obviously had to do it twice! I have learned it well.
My gut is very wise. It may hurt right now. Time will pass and I will be fine. I am a survivor.
Never, have I been a person that held a grudge. My personality is that of one who forgives quickly. Holding onto anything negative is a ridiculous waste of my energy. One important point, I always forgive, but I don’t forget. I feel sad for you. Even though you don’t realize it now. One day you are going to wake up and realize you missed out. Or perhaps you will just move on and not look back. Either way…
Thank you for the countless cherished memories. But most of all, thank you for the reminder, to always trust my gut.