Suicide, A Memory Not shortlived

~ K@countingpenniesandsheep

If you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or that you might harm yourself. 

Call 911, Call a friend, get to the Emergency room and explain how you feel.

SUICIDE is NOT the answer.

I have written a short recollection, of the impact of suicide and how it has affected me and my family for my entry for Miracle’s challenge. It needed to be written. Please do not read if you feel it might upset you.

Kind Regards – K

 

It was a  seemingly random day, temperature about 90 degrees, the 28th day of August, 17 years ago,that I got the call.

As the news was reported to me and the other end hung up, I dropped to the floor as my knees gave way. There was no attempt to stay upright. The house phone must have fallen beside me, though I have no recollection. Shock. Disbelief. Just an all consuming overwhelming sadness of something I struggled to grasp, believe,  but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t quite fathom.

My next thought, the children… Where is K? Did she overhear? OH MY GOD, screamed my brain! I must find K!  How will I ever tell her?   Then I shall have to find D,  he is playing with his friends. OH! DEAR! GOD!  How can I? How does one? I shouted out my daughter’s name and went off looking for her…  and a bit later we drove off to find my son.

 

Now, 17 years later.

That fateful day. This thought still travels through my brain. Why? Why didn’t you call me and tell me you were struggling with life? That you had such a dark  shadow of a cloud hanging over you? Why did you just give into it, in silence?

We know not why he felt he had no choice. But, his suicide is still a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. It is rarely spoken about. When it is, we handle it matter of fact, due to it’s familiarity. Seemingly odd, that could be something  with which we’ve become comfortable.

It is what it is. We cannot change what happened. We have no choice but to accept what is. He made the decision and gave us no vote.

What can we do? Nothing, is the answer.

 

We live our daily lives as most everyone does. When the day is quiet, I often speak to him and ask him questions, to which I get no replies nor will I ever.

Sometimes I even get angry and yell at him for being so self centered and selfish. Other times, I speak as I talk to an old best friend. My heart believes he sees how well the children have done through the years.

He knows what wonderful loving adults they are.

I believe he does. For that is what I am left with. That is MY choice.

The only one my ex-husband left me.

 

In loving Memory of Rocklin DeWayne Webb 9.1.63 – 8.28.99

 

 

 

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24 thoughts on “Suicide, A Memory Not shortlived”

  2. Beautifully written post. From one who has been on the side of feeling overwhelmed and on the edge of suicide many years ago, I thank you for your bravery in writing this. Suicide is never the answer.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you for being here.I am glad you commented and shared. Not an easy thing to do.
      Many of us struggle with such issues. You are not alone as I am sure you know.
      I hope that if more people can grasp what happens to those who are left behind
      perhaps they will realize WE are NOT better off without them.

      You are correct. It is NOT the answer.

      Kind Regards and many warm hugs – K

      Like

  4. Hi K. This is a brave and thought-provoking piece, and really brings to light the roller-coaster of emotions that the people left behind have to deal with. I’m sorry you and your children had to go through this. Suicide is not the answer, but the sad truth is that some people just feel incapable of reaching out to those around them. I hope that your writing reaches out to someone, somewhere and makes them realise they do have other options.

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    1. Thank you for commenting. That is why I wrote the piece…
      I can hope as you state so precisely, touch others and help them realize they have other options….

      You are so correct, depression, PTSD etc… causes one to feel isolated, unable to reach out. Things feel hopeless. Often just getting out of bed takes all the energy you have. It is a terrible place to be. I understand both sides.

      My children and I are fine. I am glad that you realized this piece is not written for sympathy. It is a sad situation that perhaps can be avoided. If I can touch one life, save one family from having to live it…. Then I am successful.

      Kind Regards – K

      Like

  5. Thank you for sharing and caring enough to write such a powerful post. Sadly, suicide never stops. This year alone, two distant cousins of mine took their lives in despair – in the same week. In one family, it was their second member to take their own life. And yet, there are so many good things that have happened since – people have rallied together in support, issues that were buried deep in our culture have been aired, people are talking…

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    1. Such a positive thing to come out of a terrible tragedy!! Unfortunately, it often takes that to bring people together… I am so pleased that you shared your story. I am also, saddened that you had such a story to tell.

      Finding the positive in a negative situation is a wonderful gift. One I know you possess because you have shown it so many times….

      love and hugs my friend, to you and to your family…

      Kind Regards and sending love your way – K

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Many thanks K. I wonder if you would allow me to include your Starfish Story post for Monday’s Small Steps Up Mountains. It symbolises how seemingly small things can make a HUGE difference.

      Like

  6. This hit me really hard as I have gotten that same phone call. My brother committed suicide a year ago and its still with me. It still haunts me. It still triggers me at times. I am new to blogging and I love your site.

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    Reply

    1. I know words will never convey or help… But I am truly sorry that you had to endure such an experience.
      I lost my older brother to cancer, it was quick…
      But I think the helplessness that one feels, when it is the latter phone call is the more difficult.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment. That took a lot of guts!!
      I dabble with a lot of photographs, creative writing, all are healthy outlets, but the ultimate goal is to help others. I am here if you would like to message or email me, most anytime.

      I am truly sorry for the pain, the questions you will have. I hope you can find strength in the knowledge that we can not control others. We can only offer to be there.

      Kind Regards and thinking of you – K

      Like

    2. Thank you very much for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. You are correct the questions we are left behind with that will remain unanswered are at times unbearable.

      Like

  7. Thank you fot sharing your life with us. This definitely will help a lote of people here. It’s just a moment for them to give up and leave. But, it’s their loved ones who suffer from what they did to themselves. Yes ! Suicide is not a solution and never will be. Awareness is must. I’m happy you are helping who is in need. Thank you once again.
    Sorry for not noticing your post. I didn’t receive any ping back or comment from you, when you published. I will reblog tomorrow. It’s very important and not to be ignored.
    I’m glad you used the prompts of Miracle Challenge for this great post.

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  8. I can’t believe I never found this blog before (and thank you for finding mine too). This is a beautiful and heartbreaking post, and I’m so sorry this happened to you….I cannot even imagine. And yet I can….it must have been hard to write this.

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    1. I am so glad we have bumped into each other…. thank you for your sweet sweet message…

      But the post really isn’t about me. More about showing people the other side. If I can get just one person that reads it, to make a different decision than the one you can’t turn back, than I have accomplished much.

      I am really excited about our comparing notes… Thank you blogosphere! Actually, I have found a number of cousins that were raised, the way we were. I believe I have found the original source. Research…

      I love your perspective on the whole subject…

      kind Regards and feeling so grateful – K

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I feel grateful to you too! 🙂 Jason is pretty awesome that way–getting bloggers to connect and letting us share our posts. He was so helpful to me when I was new at this and had no followers or any idea what I was doing.

      Like

  9. Reblogged this on miraclegirlblog and commented:
    Hello Everyone !

    Check out the latest post for ‘Weekly Writing #MiracleChallenge’ Week – 11 : https://miraclegirlblog.wordpress.com/2016/08/23/miraclechallenge-week-11-dated-23rd-29th-august-2016/

    Blogger : The black Wall Blog (K) (Must Read..)

    Story Title : Suicide, A Memory Not Shortlived

    Challenge No : 3

    Challenge : Write a Short Story using below three prompt words-

    * STRUGGLE * SHADOW * SILENCE

    For those who are new to #MiracleChallenge, every Tuesday morning, I post new Writing prompts for 5 challenges to write Short Story / Tiny Tale/ Poem / Haiku/ Senryu / Limerick & many more.

    Visit my blog to know the latest writing prompts and the rules to participate in #MiracleChallenge for the week dated from 23rd – 29th August, 2016.

    Yes ! 29th August is the last day for submission; before 12.00 AM IST.

    To read participant’s submissions for Miracle Challenges, Click Here.

    Kindly, everyone read and inspire each other to write.

    Happy Blogging !

    Enjoy and have fun:)

    From,

    Miracle:)

    (www.miraclegirlblog.wordpress.com )

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    Reply

  10. What a shock, why is it always on the sunny happy days? I had a friend when I was a kid in the eighties who was home alone with his father when he shot himself. And then a friend that took her own life after her parents left for work, and she said she was just running back in to grab her keys. The timing is never what you expect, though what timing is supposed to be right to commit suicide? I’m so sorry for your loss, my dad died 20 years ago next month…the pain though bearable is still there.

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    Reply

    1. I think the important thing, is to get the word out… as to what happens to those of us
      who are left behind… maybe seeing that side of it will cause more to stop prior to making such
      a devastating decision..

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences…. my heart goes out to you….

      sending hugs and kind thoughts..

      Kind Regards and feeling grateful for what I have -K

      Like

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