Mind Reflections

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” – Jim Valvano

 


“Often I spend too much time

In my own mind, 

Seeing what was,

Fearing what might be,

Conjuring scenarios of what ifs,

When I should be living”. -K


Interesting discovery , 

When I am; writing,

Researching or thinking of

What I can do 

To help you continue 

Your path forward

My heart and mind 

Stop being chaotic.

I find my inner peace.

❤️

What do YOU do to

Quiet your racing thoughts? 

 

Kind Regards and 

feeling inquisitive- K

 

Create

In it’s Purest Form

Just a dog? 


Did you know about

Dogs on Duty?

“The Veterans Administration only recognizes service dogs for veterans with sight, hearing or mobility issues.

 A study is being conducted by the Veterans Administration to validate veterans with PTSD can benefit from service dogs. We have directly witnessed the benefits a service dog can give to a veteran with these disabilities. 

In fact, there may be a direct link to the benefits of service dogs and the prevention of suicide in the veteran population.”- quoted from https://www.soldieronservicedogs.org/ 

 

Furry friends, pets, hairy children.

No matter what you call them

They walk with us, endure, comfort,

No matter where our lives go,

They are our constant.

The purest form of 

Love, perhaps only 

the mother and child 

bond have a stronger connection.

 

Faithful 

 
We have been side by side for just over 10 years. 

My buddy, my partner, my cheerleader and my friend – Chief.

Just a dog? No way!

My BEST Friend.

 
Kind Regards and RUFF – K

❤️

Mother’s Day 2017

world-s-best-mom-women-s-t-shirt-by-american-apparel

Along with a lovely top,  the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤

1798671_10207880158669380_1000463504314809716_n

The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.

Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence? 

My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.

My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.

Top Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants you to Know  (link)

These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war,  he has not been a part of my life.  His choosing not mine.

“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes.  Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”

18319080_1443351135685966_7632074927183549787_o

This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016.  My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤

For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why? 


That’s an easy question to answer:

“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”

12033037_10206994961299999_2592163694019100708_n

Happy Mother’s Day to all!!  

       I hope you have a glorious day!

2015-06-07 140909-782826

Kind Regards and feeling grateful

                       for all the universe provides – K

…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️

Final

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

18199247_1516839285015070_7857647315897650910_n

I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

Just Two Tiny Berries…

IMG_0169

 

Saturday…

I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a

mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.

Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.

From past experience, I didn’t fight,back,  it was just what I needed.

It gave me, “ME” time.

No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.

The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.

A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.

I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days. 

Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.

Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!! 

Good-Morning-Dont-Start-Your-Day

 

Then….

In the wee hours of Saturday morning,

I brewed that coffee I like.

Walked outside, temp  about 32. 

Oh! how the birds were singing

Their early morning songs

No cawing of ugliness or discontent

Just sweet intertwined melodies.

A possibility of a sunny day

Was teasing me

As the cloudless sky was showing

it’s extra brightness

Right where a sunrise could be.

Something pushed me towards 

My fall leaf filled flower garden,

I reached for this season’s

Yet untouched lawn rake 

And swiped some leaves away.

Below, that crispy crinkle brown, 

The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.

I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.

A few more strokes and there it was

One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of  HOPE!!

Shiny vibrant  green  leaves,

With just two, Christmas red holly berries.

The color even more enhanced

With last year’s  oak brown backdrop.

I knew it was the sign

Nature wanted me to find.

An Easter gift just for me.

For so many times

When I have stumbled,

Mother Earth seemed to know

Just exactly what I needed.

As in the past

My soul was renewed,

Clear, wide open

To let in – those endless

Positive insights

Of my life’s possibilities.

unnamed

to enjoy
soul happty

 

  Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K

 

Photography of my berry find by LGB

aka: Bgage on ViewBug.

 

 

 

Timely
Surprise

More than ever… 

Today is a beautiful day

For feeling grateful for

Each and every thing 

You have in your life! 

 
You might have noticed 

In my post 

An Eye Opener

Among  the words was 

The term, stage 2.

We had just received 

News that LGB 

Has esophagus cancer

Only 1 and 1/2 weeks earlier.

And they had finished the

Tests which concluded the stage.

He has just hit 45 weeks sober!

He is feeling confident 

And ready to fight!

#winning


 

No fancy words do I write today

Instead 

I dedicate this post 

To you, my best friend! 

(I’ve known him 

since the 8th grade! 

Practically forever!)

So….

Kind Regards and 

          feeling grateful 4 you -K

 
 
Photography Compliments of LGB

 

BGage on Viewbug ❤

Heal

An Eye Opener

my natural heart from bri

 

Two years together

And what is there to show?

Of the love we’ve shared,

Of precious time spent?

We’ve chattered, laughed,

Giggled with silliness,

Down well traveled roads,

Together.

Think of all we’ve done,

Accomplished and over come.

 

IMG_5377

Today, marked the start

Of a new journey

We’ve never yet explored.

After one and half weeks of tests,

Yes, today 

We received the news,

A confirmed reservation,

LGB is late in Stage 2.

It hit’s me

Circumstances have dictated

Tho I’m the professed

Love of his life,

I’ve remained,

The girl in the shadows.

sHADOW SELFIES OF LGB AND I AT DAMN TO HAVE CAPTIONED #2

How going forward,

Do I help him

Win this battle?

What role do I play,

As a warrior in this fight?

Only by a forward step

Into that bright sun-light

Can I truly be his partner,

To crusade and lobby,

Grow the strongest army.

As we enter into war

Against this new found plight.

85732214-affirmation218

Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….

 

#winning

 

Kind Regards – K and LGB

aka BGage on Viewbug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo challenge Security

Word press word prompt Outlier

Inner Battles

Self doubt from a childhood

Being told  I never would

Battles the truthfilled knowledge

That I’ve already  proven

That I could.

Knowing the signs, triggers of self

Show years of forging through.

It’s time to quiet the mind

Relax, Get some rest

Once again tomorrow

I’ll be me, the winner

Refreshed and at my best,


“Within you, you will find everything you need to be complete.”

-Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

Kind Regards and winning -K

photo compliments of LGB

Symptom

Forever young 


January 27 was the 38th anniversary of my moms passing. She lost her hard fought battle against cancer at the age of 36. 

I was 16.

Memories of days and times

Forever etched within my soul.

She lives on through eternity.

Death will never win

His useless grasps grab only air

As he attempts to steal her. 

For me, I celebrate, not despair

Though I cannot see physical form

The memories of her essence 

Her love, laughter and visuals 

Continue on, 

Keep me warm.

Though passed to another realm

I am the captain at the helm

She always has and always will be

Living on 

Through my brother and me.

As I grow older, live my life,

She stays forever young. 

Kind Regards -K

Unseen

Remember all…

15590669_10210274049435153_6576889512232871609_n

Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

img_0183img_0185img_0182

Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

I earned $0 blogging but..

As I reach 492 followers, over 13 k views in 5 mos of blogging it hits me. 

$0 dollars earned.

Meaningful moments priceless!

I’ve made people laugh, cry, hope and met many that relate!

  •  I have been inspired, uplifted and giggled at some of my favorite regulars comments…
  • What a fabulous journey!!

Feeling alive is not price -tag-able!

I am pleasantly surprised and blessed  many times a week with new wonderfully talented followers, comrades and possibilities!!

Thank you all for each role you have played in this experience! 

I’m hooked!!


Kind Regards and #winning-K

Keep moving forward…

Always striving towards

My Bitmoji!! Gotta love my I phone! 

It carries my Happify app, allows me to FaceTime with my daughter and family in NC, sends me positive affirmations and I get to ask Siri random nonsensical questions just to see some of her ridiculous answers!! 

So Often it’s the little chuckles (spellcheck wanted that to be little thongs, lol).. we find along our journey that keep us moving forward!

Embrace your inner child, allow her/him to giggle!! Let go and enjoy this ride we call life!

I’m learning one moment at a time! 

What did you do this week that made your heart and soul smile? 

🔓💜🎵🎶 go a little 😜 and 🌤🌞

Kind Regards, K

Back to Reality

fd123f81ce55429f578f432003cd3edc

Good news… I made it through the first week of my  new job! 

A statement with an immense hidden meaning.

Allow me to translate; I overcame a boat load of anxiety by facing it!

 

a) Overcame my insomnia, created a sleeping routine for 5 days. (WOW! 5 DAYS!)

b) Drove to work.

c) Met new people.

d) I spent time in an unfamiliar place. (Over 9 hours a day!)

e) Kept  my mind in the now. (Practiced mindfulness.)

f) Pushed aside negative thoughts of failure, replacing them with,

“I have been successful for most of my life and

there is no reason I cannot do this.”

g) Implemented and maintained a walking schedule

after work each day to relieve stress and up my serotonin levels.

h) Continued to win the fight over the question;

Is my body truly healthy and will it allow me to do this?  

My answer? “YES, DAMMIT, IT IS!!”

 

#WINNING!!

 

#HappyDance!!

 

This was a test, it was only a test, had it been an actual emergency you would have been told where to tune in your area…. or something along those lines. ha!

 

 

anxiety-not-welcome-anymore

 

If I can do it, you surely can!! 

Kind Regards – K

 

 

 

 

 

Daily prompt Test