“You need to find your place that believes-
“Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.”
Kind Regards and singing in the weekend sunshine -K
Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-
Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs – feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!
Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.
I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…
So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not. That is entirely up to you.
So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…
You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…
Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K
Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug
There are so many things that are not within our control.
Remember, this is okay!
“You must learn to let go. Release the stress.
You were never in control anyway.”
― Steve Maraboli,
“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life.
It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”
“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control
and know what is coming.
You don’t – surrender to events with hope.”
― Alain de Botton
“We live in a world that is beyond our control,
and life is in a constant flux of change.
So we have a decision to make:
keep trying to control a storm that is not going to go away
or start learning how to live within the rain.”
― Glenn Pemberton,
“Always try to be joyful and proactively benign to the people.
By doing so everyday, people have no control at all over my mood.”
― Toba Beta,
“The best way to navigate through life is to give up all of our controls.”
― Gerald G. Jampolsky,
“Control is never achieved when sought after directly;
it is the surprising result of letting go.”
― James Arthur Ray
“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”
― Craig Ferguson
And so here we are….
All of us together….
Living life as best we can…
One day, one moment, one breath at a time…
This post is dedicated to my best friend LGB, bgage- who starts
his fight today with his first round of radiation.
Kind Regards and filled with hope – K
Photography by LGB
Find him as bgage on Viewbug
I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a
mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.
Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.
From past experience, I didn’t fight,back, it was just what I needed.
It gave me, “ME” time.
No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.
The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.
A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.
I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days.
Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.
Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!!
In the wee hours of Saturday morning,
I brewed that coffee I like.
Walked outside, temp about 32.
Oh! how the birds were singing
Their early morning songs
No cawing of ugliness or discontent
Just sweet intertwined melodies.
A possibility of a sunny day
Was teasing me
As the cloudless sky was showing
it’s extra brightness
Right where a sunrise could be.
Something pushed me towards
My fall leaf filled flower garden,
I reached for this season’s
Yet untouched lawn rake
And swiped some leaves away.
Below, that crispy crinkle brown,
The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.
I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.
A few more strokes and there it was
One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of HOPE!!
Shiny vibrant green leaves,
With just two, Christmas red holly berries.
The color even more enhanced
With last year’s oak brown backdrop.
I knew it was the sign
Nature wanted me to find.
An Easter gift just for me.
For so many times
When I have stumbled,
Mother Earth seemed to know
Just exactly what I needed.
As in the past
My soul was renewed,
Clear, wide open
To let in – those endless
Of my life’s possibilities.
Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K
Photography of my berry find by LGB
aka: Bgage on ViewBug.
Today is a beautiful day
For feeling grateful for
Each and every thing
You have in your life!
You might have noticed
In my post
An Eye Opener
Among the words was
The term, stage 2.
We had just received
News that LGB
Has esophagus cancer
Only 1 and 1/2 weeks earlier.
And they had finished the
He has just hit 45 weeks sober!
He is feeling confident
And ready to fight!
No fancy words do I write today
I dedicate this post
To you, my best friend!
(I’ve known him
since the 8th grade!
feeling grateful 4 you -K
Photography Compliments of LGB
BGage on Viewbug ❤
Two years together
And what is there to show?
Of the love we’ve shared,
Of precious time spent?
We’ve chattered, laughed,
Giggled with silliness,
Down well traveled roads,
Think of all we’ve done,
Accomplished and over come.
Today, marked the start
Of a new journey
We’ve never yet explored.
After one and half weeks of tests,
We received the news,
A confirmed reservation,
LGB is late in Stage 2.
It hit’s me
Circumstances have dictated
Tho I’m the professed
Love of his life,
The girl in the shadows.
How going forward,
Do I help him
Win this battle?
What role do I play,
As a warrior in this fight?
Only by a forward step
Into that bright sun-light
Can I truly be his partner,
To crusade and lobby,
Grow the strongest army.
As we enter into war
Against this new found plight.
Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….
Kind Regards – K and LGB
aka BGage on Viewbug.
Photo challenge Security
Word press word prompt Outlier
I was 16.
Memories of days and times
Forever etched within my soul.
She lives on through eternity.
Death will never win
His useless grasps grab only air
As he attempts to steal her.
For me, I celebrate, not despair
Though I cannot see physical form
The memories of her essence
Her love, laughter and visuals
Keep me warm.
Though passed to another realm
I am the captain at the helm
She always has and always will be
Through my brother and me.
As I grow older, live my life,
She stays forever young.
Kind Regards -K
Oft leaves a dark taste
Within our soul
Like an evil spell’s bitter brew.
Subzero Frosty raw nights
Sunny days void of warmth
By north wind swirling gusts.
No sign of Spring’s arrival
Life seems a useless bust.
A sad lonesome time of year
But does it have to be?
Alone or with a friend,
Try a bit of inside sports
Build that serotonin level up
With a fun filled night of WII!!
Give it a try.
For many years now
it has worked for me!!
Kind Regards and
Join me in my quest for
MORE “One of the Lucky Ones!”
It’s been six months since I posted
I’m still C-diff free!
How did I do it?
I ate 1 avocado a day and
Drank Kevita probiotic drink
(Switched to Karma Vitamin water with probiotics in the cap 2 mos ago)
Along with eating, 🍹ing or taking the following-
Standard process Promaline Iodine & Okra pepsin E3
Fish oil supplement
Turmeric sprinkled on my Crohns and colitis diet
Yogurt daily (No other dairy)
1 Banana per day
Fermented foods (dill pickles or sauerkraut work well)
No red meat ( still none yet 😒)
Fruit smoothie made with banana, blueberries and applesauce with a squirt of lemon ( now 3 times per week instead of everyday)
Coconut water not made from concentrate in tap water
Nature’s Bounty probiotic at dinner time.
Cayenne pepper sprinkled on most anything.
Seeped green tea, echinacea, marshmallow root and stevia herbs. ( I also add ginkgo)
Ginger in or on anything you like.
I keep a prescription of dicyclomine 20 mg on hand in case of Colon spasms.
Start with a short walk each day and increase distance as your body will allow. If you feel pulling in you abdominal area shorten it, then increase again in a week or two.
**For more in depth information read my Rant and rave on The Unwanted Visitor post!**
** Most important is the PROBIOTICS and the AVOCADO! **
Health be with you!!
Keep me posted and share! share! share!!
Copyrighted and owned by K at the Black Wall Blog! No posts may be professionally published without written permission.
As I was laying in the ER the other day getting a bag of fluids due to some gastro-something virus thing I caught at work. My blood work results returned and a very relieved PA said to me “You know you’re one of the lucky ones.”
“One of the lucky ones. One of the lucky ones.” Those 5 words have swirled round and round in my head for the last 24 hours.
That statement made me glad AND sad.
1) Due to back to back bouts of c-diff earlier this year I can no longer take anti- biotics. One of those “helpful” lil’ buggers caused my c- diff!
But that’s not why I”m saddened by “being one of the lucky ones.”
2) I lost my job and almost everything I own due to that terrible super bug .
But that’s not why I”m saddened by “being one of the lucky ones.”
3) The fact that less than 80% of people are cured by the C-diff drugs doctors prescribe, (including me).
THAT makes me sad!
The fact that I spent numerous days researching alternatives, digging into studies, reading blogs and comments, digging, praying only to sleep a few hours and start again making notes, trying this, trying that until FINALLY! I started feeling better .
I’m proud I did it
Unfortunately the regular doctors and primary care physicians aren’t mentiong any of these alternatives.
The pharmaceutical companies are going to fight, probably already are against the answers, the discoveries of what is working ! THAT makes me SAD AND MAD!!
I want MORE lucky ones!
I wrote about C-diff and my trials in my post The Unwanted visitor! I didn’t know if it was truly going to work then.
NOW I know, IT DID!
In my next post I will reiterate in a quick 3 minute(ish) read what to try! AND NOT one of those disgusting sounding turmeric enemas IS part of it! Ewwwww!
I shiver,quiver and feel gross just thinking about it. I apologize to those getting by on that method. But ugh!
One, stipulation if you try what I did. Keep me posted on your progress. Comment comment comment!
THEN PAY IT FORWARD!
Spread the word!
SHARE and be a part of my quest for MORE “ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES!”
and often long winded-K
All contents of this post is copyrighted by K at The Black Wall Blog. It cannot be professionally published without written consent.
Kind Regards – K
Daily post Miniature
If you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or that you might harm yourself.
Call 911, Call a friend, get to the Emergency room and explain how you feel.
SUICIDE is NOT the answer.
I have written a short recollection, of the impact of suicide and how it has affected me and my family for my entry for Miracle’s challenge. It needed to be written. Please do not read if you feel it might upset you.
Kind Regards – K
It was a seemingly random day, temperature about 90 degrees, the 28th day of August, 17 years ago,that I got the call.
As the news was reported to me and the other end hung up, I dropped to the floor as my knees gave way. There was no attempt to stay upright. The house phone must have fallen beside me, though I have no recollection. Shock. Disbelief. Just an all consuming overwhelming sadness of something I struggled to grasp, believe, but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t quite fathom.
My next thought, the children… Where is K? Did she overhear? OH MY GOD, screamed my brain! I must find K! How will I ever tell her? Then I shall have to find D, he is playing with his friends. OH! DEAR! GOD! How can I? How does one? I shouted out my daughter’s name and went off looking for her… and a bit later we drove off to find my son.
Now, 17 years later.
That fateful day. This thought still travels through my brain. Why? Why didn’t you call me and tell me you were struggling with life? That you had such a dark shadow of a cloud hanging over you? Why did you just give into it, in silence?
We know not why he felt he had no choice. But, his suicide is still a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. It is rarely spoken about. When it is, we handle it matter of fact, due to it’s familiarity. Seemingly odd, that could be something with which we’ve become comfortable.
It is what it is. We cannot change what happened. We have no choice but to accept what is. He made the decision and gave us no vote.
What can we do? Nothing, is the answer.
We live our daily lives as most everyone does. When the day is quiet, I often speak to him and ask him questions, to which I get no replies nor will I ever.
Sometimes I even get angry and yell at him for being so self centered and selfish. Other times, I speak as I talk to an old best friend. My heart believes he sees how well the children have done through the years.
He knows what wonderful loving adults they are.
I believe he does. For that is what I am left with. That is MY choice.
The only one my ex-husband left me.
In loving Memory of Rocklin DeWayne Webb 9.1.63 – 8.28.99
Daily post Miniature
I Have A Blog.
Today is the anniversary of the loss of two young lives while
“in action” approximately 2 hours from Kabul.
Our boys, from our town were there and no one was to know.
It all has been kept secret.
Today a post was put up to commemorate
the loss of two of their comrades.
I can do the math, the distance calculations and
put the story together pretty quickly.
I know my son was there.
No one will talk about it.
There is an unspoken code of silence
between those who were there.
And that is okay.
But, today, finally, we can have a moment of silence and
pray for the families of those young lives..
“Six years ago, we lost two outstanding members of the Mountain Batallion and two beautiful human beings that left an impact on every life they came across. Remembering Tristan Southworth and Steve Deluzio today. Never forgotten.”
~ From a member of the Mountain Batallion.
And we continue to lose 25 per day to suicide.
God Bless the men and women and the families
and gave the ultimate sacrifice.
Kind Regards and praying – K
I am reaching out for YOUR HELP!
Here is the background:
WordPress’ weekly photo
Challenge is here!
The subject is fun!
What is fun?
Do you remember?
In one split second,
Can you clearly define
Your current thoughts
Of having a good time?
Of past events of me laughing
Quickly flicker, fast forward
Like a mini slideshow thru my mind.
But truthfully, when was the last time
Such a carefree occurrence, did I find
Myself smack in the middle of
Without a whole lot of prep and
Trepidation, battling inner fear?
What a scary thought, I am thinking,
That, it’s no longer my norm,
At what point did my life go
From heartfelt enjoyment,
To some type of dark storm?
Another goal to aspire to,
Again, a chance at #winning!
Kind Regards and winning – K
Weekly photo challenge Fun!
Daily post Reach
Daily post Surface
Starting July 2016 You can also find me on
Do Join us!
Kind Regards and Sunshine – K
Weekly Photo prompt Cherry On Top