Mother’s Day 2017

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Along with a lovely top,  the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤

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The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.

Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence? 

My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.

My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.

Top Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants you to Know  (link)

These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war,  he has not been a part of my life.  His choosing not mine.

“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes.  Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”

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This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016.  My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤

For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why? 


That’s an easy question to answer:

“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”

 

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Happy Mother’s Day to all!!  

       I hope you have a glorious day!

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Kind Regards and feeling grateful

                       for all the universe provides – K

 

 …and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️

 

 

 

 

 

Final

Passions & Quotes

“Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. ” -George S. Patton

LGB’s favorite pastime
Eating Healthy
Time in the Woods
Dog sitting
Unconditional Love

Peaceful country life
Freedom
Collecting cow memorabilia
Being a G’ma
Sunday afternoon movie time
Lifestyle 

“When you start to do the things that you truly love, it wouldn’t matter whether it is Monday or Friday; you would be so excited to wake up each morning to work on your passions. “-Edmond Mbiaka
 

Kind Regards – K

 Photography compliments of LGB

Look for him as bgage on Viewbug 

Photo of LGB compliments of K 😆

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

It’s Okay, Not To Have Hold of the Reins!

There are so many things that are not within our control.

Remember, this is okay!

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“You must learn to let go. Release the stress.

You were never in control anyway.”
Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

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“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life.

It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”
Epictetus

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“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control

and know what is coming.

You don’t – surrender to events with hope.”
Alain de Botton

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“We live in a world that is beyond our control,

and life is in a constant flux of change.

So we have a decision to make:

keep trying to control a storm that is not going to go away

or start learning how to live within the rain.”
Glenn Pemberton, Hurting with God

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“Always try to be joyful and proactively benign to the people.
By doing so everyday, people have no control at all over my mood.”

Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident: Insiden Bait Al-Jauza

“The best way to navigate through life is to give up all of our controls.”
Gerald G. Jampolsky, Love Is Letting Go of Fear

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“Control is never achieved when sought after directly;

it is the surprising result of letting go.”
James Arthur Ray

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“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”
Craig Ferguson

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And so here we are…. 

All of us together….

Living life as best we can…

One day, one moment, one breath at  a time…

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This post is dedicated to my best friend LGB, bgage- who starts

his fight today with his  first round of radiation. 

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Kind Regards and filled with hope  – K

Photography by LGB

Find him as bgage on Viewbug

Control

The Other “A” Month

April, 2017

Took a trip up to the beloved “off the wifi grid”,  

Mt Holly, VT over the weekend.

Haven’t made the trip since last August, (2016). 

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When it comes to a new season, due to it’s elevation,

this area runs about two weeks behind the lower valley.

Spring really is coming!

If you look closely, you can see it is 

on the way.

New buds, bright green sprouts of 

grass and other hints

in sunny areas, even though 

there is still

snow along some of 

the backwood trails.

For me this means –  HOPE! 

FRESH!

NEW BEGINNINGS!!

GRAND STUFF!




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 Nature has a way of 

Reminding me of what

Is truly important.

Peace within myself.

Sharing a smile with a friend.

Photography compliments of

Both K AND LGB!

Pssst I  shot the porcupine!

🤠

Kind Regards and wishing

Each of you

Health, Love, Contentment, Joy

Along with Wealth and Success -K

 

 

Earth
Root

Just Two Tiny Berries…

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Saturday…

I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a

mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.

Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.

From past experience, I didn’t fight,back,  it was just what I needed.

It gave me, “ME” time.

No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.

The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.

A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.

I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days. 

Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.

Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!! 

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Then….

In the wee hours of Saturday morning,

I brewed that coffee I like.

Walked outside, temp  about 32. 

Oh! how the birds were singing

Their early morning songs

No cawing of ugliness or discontent

Just sweet intertwined melodies.

A possibility of a sunny day

Was teasing me

As the cloudless sky was showing

it’s extra brightness

Right where a sunrise could be.

Something pushed me towards 

My fall leaf filled flower garden,

I reached for this season’s

Yet untouched lawn rake 

And swiped some leaves away.

Below, that crispy crinkle brown, 

The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.

I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.

A few more strokes and there it was

One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of  HOPE!!

Shiny vibrant  green  leaves,

With just two, Christmas red holly berries.

The color even more enhanced

With last year’s  oak brown backdrop.

I knew it was the sign

Nature wanted me to find.

An Easter gift just for me.

For so many times

When I have stumbled,

Mother Earth seemed to know

Just exactly what I needed.

As in the past

My soul was renewed,

Clear, wide open

To let in – those endless

Positive insights

Of my life’s possibilities.

unnamed

to enjoy
soul happty

 

  Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K

 

Photography of my berry find by LGB

aka: Bgage on ViewBug.

 

 

 

Timely
Surprise

More than ever… 

Today is a beautiful day

For feeling grateful for

Each and every thing 

You have in your life! 

 
You might have noticed 

In my post 

An Eye Opener

Among  the words was 

The term, stage 2.

We had just received 

News that LGB 

Has esophagus cancer

Only 1 and 1/2 weeks earlier.

And they had finished the

Tests which concluded the stage.

He has just hit 45 weeks sober!

He is feeling confident 

And ready to fight!

#winning


 

No fancy words do I write today

Instead 

I dedicate this post 

To you, my best friend! 

(I’ve known him 

since the 8th grade! 

Practically forever!)

So….

Kind Regards and 

          feeling grateful 4 you -K

 
 
Photography Compliments of LGB

 

BGage on Viewbug ❤

Heal

Strength in Numbers


Early Spring togetherness in NH.

 

 


Our neighbors backyard stump covered  with a family of ‘shrooms.

 

 

Three special friends hanging out in the pasture in Unity, NH.

 

Abby laying on mommy as we watch movies on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

 


 
Kind Regards 

         and feeling peaceful-

                        K and LGB.
 
Photography by LGB.

Aka BGage on Viewbug

🌷

Security“>Security

An Eye Opener

my natural heart from bri

 

Two years together

And what is there to show?

Of the love we’ve shared,

Of precious time spent?

We’ve chattered, laughed,

Giggled with silliness,

Down well traveled roads,

Together.

Think of all we’ve done,

Accomplished and over come.

 

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Today, marked the start

Of a new journey

We’ve never yet explored.

After one and half weeks of tests,

Yes, today 

We received the news,

A confirmed reservation,

LGB is late in Stage 2.

It hit’s me

Circumstances have dictated

Tho I’m the professed

Love of his life,

I’ve remained,

The girl in the shadows.

sHADOW SELFIES OF LGB AND I AT DAMN TO HAVE CAPTIONED #2

How going forward,

Do I help him

Win this battle?

What role do I play,

As a warrior in this fight?

Only by a forward step

Into that bright sun-light

Can I truly be his partner,

To crusade and lobby,

Grow the strongest army.

As we enter into war

Against this new found plight.

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Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….

 

#winning

 

Kind Regards – K and LGB

aka BGage on Viewbug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo challenge Security

Word press word prompt Outlier

Inner Battles

Self doubt from a childhood

Being told  I never would

Battles the truthfilled knowledge

That I’ve already  proven

That I could.

Knowing the signs, triggers of self

Show years of forging through.

It’s time to quiet the mind

Relax, Get some rest

Once again tomorrow

I’ll be me, the winner

Refreshed and at my best,


“Within you, you will find everything you need to be complete.”

-Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

Kind Regards and winning -K

photo compliments of LGB

Symptom

Spring Forward

It’s that time, when you turn your clocks ahead and St Patrick’s Day is on the way!!

An Irish 🍀 Blessing for all:

“May you always have walls for the winds,

 a roof for the rain, 

tea beside the fire,

laughter to cheer you, 

those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.”

-Author unknown 

Compliments of Zen to Zany!
#youarewinning

Kind Regards -K

Pattern

Life’s Road

I don’t know where each choice or decision I make, may take me.

I now know if I had never experienced the heartbreak of a painful goodbye , I never would have been able to truly embrace the sweet joyful essence of a heart-mending hello.

Had a different road  been chosen this morning L. G. B.’s lens might not have captured this beautiful Red Fox.

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We create our  own personalized version of the song ‘Life’s Highway’, when we wake up each day, make the choice to get out of bed and see what happens!

Go ahead! Give it a try! I did! 


-Zen to Zany comes through again-

☀️
Kind Regards and #winning – K

 

 

The Road Taken

Parlay

Forever young 


January 27 was the 38th anniversary of my moms passing. She lost her hard fought battle against cancer at the age of 36. 

I was 16.

Memories of days and times

Forever etched within my soul.

She lives on through eternity.

Death will never win

His useless grasps grab only air

As he attempts to steal her. 

For me, I celebrate, not despair

Though I cannot see physical form

The memories of her essence 

Her love, laughter and visuals 

Continue on, 

Keep me warm.

Though passed to another realm

I am the captain at the helm

She always has and always will be

Living on 

Through my brother and me.

As I grow older, live my life,

She stays forever young. 

Kind Regards -K

Unseen