“You need to find your place that believes-
“Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.”
Kind Regards and singing in the weekend sunshine -K
Along with a lovely top, the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤
The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.
Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence?
My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.
My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.
These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war, he has not been a part of my life. His choosing not mine.
“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.
9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?
10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt. He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes. Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”
This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016. My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤
For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why?
That’s an easy question to answer:
“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”
Happy Mother’s Day to all!!
I hope you have a glorious day!
Kind Regards and feeling grateful
for all the universe provides – K
…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️
“Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. ” -George S. Patton
“When you start to do the things that you truly love, it wouldn’t matter whether it is Monday or Friday; you would be so excited to wake up each morning to work on your passions. “-Edmond Mbiaka
Kind Regards – K
Photography compliments of LGB
Look for him as bgage on Viewbug
Photo of LGB compliments of K 😆
Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-
Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs – feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!
Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.
I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…
So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not. That is entirely up to you.
So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…
You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…
Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K
Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug
There are so many things that are not within our control.
Remember, this is okay!
“You must learn to let go. Release the stress.
You were never in control anyway.”
― Steve Maraboli,
“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life.
It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”
“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control
and know what is coming.
You don’t – surrender to events with hope.”
― Alain de Botton
“We live in a world that is beyond our control,
and life is in a constant flux of change.
So we have a decision to make:
keep trying to control a storm that is not going to go away
or start learning how to live within the rain.”
― Glenn Pemberton,
“Always try to be joyful and proactively benign to the people.
By doing so everyday, people have no control at all over my mood.”
― Toba Beta,
“The best way to navigate through life is to give up all of our controls.”
― Gerald G. Jampolsky,
“Control is never achieved when sought after directly;
it is the surprising result of letting go.”
― James Arthur Ray
“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”
― Craig Ferguson
And so here we are….
All of us together….
Living life as best we can…
One day, one moment, one breath at a time…
This post is dedicated to my best friend LGB, bgage- who starts
his fight today with his first round of radiation.
Kind Regards and filled with hope – K
Photography by LGB
Find him as bgage on Viewbug
Took a trip up to the beloved “off the wifi grid”,
Mt Holly, VT over the weekend.
Haven’t made the trip since last August, (2016).
When it comes to a new season, due to it’s elevation,
this area runs about two weeks behind the lower valley.
Spring really is coming!
If you look closely, you can see it is
on the way.
New buds, bright green sprouts of
grass and other hints
in sunny areas, even though
there is still
snow along some of
the backwood trails.
For me this means – HOPE!
Nature has a way of
Reminding me of what
Is truly important.
Peace within myself.
Sharing a smile with a friend.
Photography compliments of
Both K AND LGB!
Pssst I shot the porcupine!
Kind Regards and wishing
Each of you
Health, Love, Contentment, Joy
Along with Wealth and Success -K
I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a
mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.
Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.
From past experience, I didn’t fight,back, it was just what I needed.
It gave me, “ME” time.
No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.
The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.
A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.
I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days.
Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.
Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!!
In the wee hours of Saturday morning,
I brewed that coffee I like.
Walked outside, temp about 32.
Oh! how the birds were singing
Their early morning songs
No cawing of ugliness or discontent
Just sweet intertwined melodies.
A possibility of a sunny day
Was teasing me
As the cloudless sky was showing
it’s extra brightness
Right where a sunrise could be.
Something pushed me towards
My fall leaf filled flower garden,
I reached for this season’s
Yet untouched lawn rake
And swiped some leaves away.
Below, that crispy crinkle brown,
The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.
I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.
A few more strokes and there it was
One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of HOPE!!
Shiny vibrant green leaves,
With just two, Christmas red holly berries.
The color even more enhanced
With last year’s oak brown backdrop.
I knew it was the sign
Nature wanted me to find.
An Easter gift just for me.
For so many times
When I have stumbled,
Mother Earth seemed to know
Just exactly what I needed.
As in the past
My soul was renewed,
Clear, wide open
To let in – those endless
Of my life’s possibilities.
Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K
Photography of my berry find by LGB
aka: Bgage on ViewBug.
Today is a beautiful day
For feeling grateful for
Each and every thing
You have in your life!
You might have noticed
In my post
An Eye Opener
Among the words was
The term, stage 2.
We had just received
News that LGB
Has esophagus cancer
Only 1 and 1/2 weeks earlier.
And they had finished the
He has just hit 45 weeks sober!
He is feeling confident
And ready to fight!
No fancy words do I write today
I dedicate this post
To you, my best friend!
(I’ve known him
since the 8th grade!
feeling grateful 4 you -K
Photography Compliments of LGB
BGage on Viewbug ❤
and feeling peaceful-
K and LGB.
Photography by LGB.
Aka BGage on Viewbug
Two years together
And what is there to show?
Of the love we’ve shared,
Of precious time spent?
We’ve chattered, laughed,
Giggled with silliness,
Down well traveled roads,
Think of all we’ve done,
Accomplished and over come.
Today, marked the start
Of a new journey
We’ve never yet explored.
After one and half weeks of tests,
We received the news,
A confirmed reservation,
LGB is late in Stage 2.
It hit’s me
Circumstances have dictated
Tho I’m the professed
Love of his life,
The girl in the shadows.
How going forward,
Do I help him
Win this battle?
What role do I play,
As a warrior in this fight?
Only by a forward step
Into that bright sun-light
Can I truly be his partner,
To crusade and lobby,
Grow the strongest army.
As we enter into war
Against this new found plight.
Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….
Kind Regards – K and LGB
aka BGage on Viewbug.
Photo challenge Security
Word press word prompt Outlier
Self doubt from a childhood
Being told I never would
Battles the truthfilled knowledge
That I’ve already proven
That I could.
Knowing the signs, triggers of self
Show years of forging through.
It’s time to quiet the mind
Relax, Get some rest
Once again tomorrow
I’ll be me, the winner
Refreshed and at my best,
-Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason
Kind Regards and winning -K
photo compliments of LGB
It’s that time, when you turn your clocks ahead and St Patrick’s Day is on the way!!
An Irish 🍀 Blessing for all:
“May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain,
tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you,
those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.”
Kind Regards -K
I don’t know where each choice or decision I make, may take me.
I now know if I had never experienced the heartbreak of a painful goodbye , I never would have been able to truly embrace the sweet joyful essence of a heart-mending hello.
Had a different road been chosen this morning L. G. B.’s lens might not have captured this beautiful Red Fox.
We create our own personalized version of the song ‘Life’s Highway’, when we wake up each day, make the choice to get out of bed and see what happens!
Go ahead! Give it a try! I did!
Kind Regards and #winning – K
I was 16.
Memories of days and times
Forever etched within my soul.
She lives on through eternity.
Death will never win
His useless grasps grab only air
As he attempts to steal her.
For me, I celebrate, not despair
Though I cannot see physical form
The memories of her essence
Her love, laughter and visuals
Keep me warm.
Though passed to another realm
I am the captain at the helm
She always has and always will be
Through my brother and me.
As I grow older, live my life,
She stays forever young.
Kind Regards -K