Sometimes 

Sometimes 

No matter how two people feel

It doesn’t work.

Is it timing?

Is it life perspective?

Is it fear?

Deep down they truly love you

In you heart you truly love them.

And still 

There’s a missing puzzle piece.

You can’t finish putting together

the masterpiece 

Because there is something missing.

It’s not identifiable 

It just is.

You waste hours, days, months 

Wondering what you did wrong?

Wondering why you were happy

Yet often you weren’t.

There was a hole of pain.

Something not quite fulfilled.

Lack of true faith

In each other?

Bad timing?

Eventually the pain 

Of staying

Is equal to

The pain 

Of walking away.

All because of

Something.

Sometimes.

Kind Regards -K
Photography copyrighted and compliments of BGage & Theblackwallblog
Circle

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Random Rounds of Self

Funk in

Funk out.

Highs and Lows

Lows and Highs.

Yes u cans.

Can you yes?

Why yes I can!

 

YES!

I can allow myself to see the possibilities!

Stop the vicious circle of fear that,

Goes ’round and ’round in my head.

Hop off.

Go!

Okay, maybe a little more,

Rest a minute….

Dream a little dream…

See the sun through the rain….

BREATHE!

ENVISION!

Oh how many times, must I self talk myself through?

For as long as it takes.

As long as it takes?

That is  correct.

Roger that.

Onward I go.

 

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Kind Regards and # winning  -K

Circle

FOREVER

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Look up my love, look up,

I am here my love, look up

I’ll be forever waiting 

With open arms and heart

Until then,

Live life, my love, 

Live life!

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Time ticks forward,

We love, suffer losses, yet somehow,

We carry on.

We persevere.

Grow stronger from the pain.

Carry that strong belief,

The universe is there for us

As we stroll along life’s path.

We cry in anguish.

We laugh wholeheartedly.

We love deeply, from within.

We live.

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Kind Regards and # winning – K

Photography compliments and copyrighted by BGAGE and TheBlackWallBlog.

Waiting
Finite

Daily and Family Traditions

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Good morning!

They” say breakfast is the most important meal of day.

I add, start your day with a ritual that allows you a positive mindset.

My daily ritual:

Each morning, I awake, flipping open the covers as I exclaim to the dogs

“Time to make the doughnuts!” – they understand,  time

to get up, go out, pee, then their REWARD- A TREAT!

Happy tails.  🙂

Next, I make coffee, grab my pen, flip to a fresh page in my journal.

First, I write the current date, then add  +$49,000, +$477,111 plus at the very top of the page.

(A little something, I learned, listening to “The secret”.)

Next I scrawl, “May health, wealth, inner peace, self-assuredness,  love, friendship, companionship, happiness, security, comfort, contentment,  along with abundance and success embrace me and those I love, like a warm hug.”

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Next- Written next  is the single word “EXCELLENT!”

No matter what mood I am in when I first open my eyes, that is how I start the day.

I scribble:

A brief overview via bits and pieces of what happened yesterday, what I accomplished,  what may have caused stress to release it….. ta ta!

My day has officially begun!

Today is a bit different, my youngest granddaughter and I had a slumber party last night,

This allowed mommy and daddy to have a date night.

It’s little girl hugs, (cannot get enough) coffee, making a bowl of lucky charms and  heading out to the front porch with my daughters lap top.

Fresh air,  peepers singing  in the background and the glow of the laptop screen.

 

 As soon as my  daughter comes downstairs a competition is planned.

Breakfast BOGGLE! To date, I am the champ. My brain is fresh this time of day.

Will I hang onto my title? Let the game begin!!

Boggle has been a part of  my life since I was young, I in turn taught it to my children.

No one has any idea how many hours we joyously, with pencils and paper ready- have flipped that little box of random letters over, started the timer and frantically scribbled every word we could find.  Laughter, silliness, giggles, a family at play.

No cell phones, no tv – just human interaction. Good  ol’ fashioned fun! Bonding.

This is how we make memories.

 

In a few hours, Ill be back on a plane to NH. (tearful  good byes, yet so blessed we had the time together.)

FAMILY. TRADITIONS. COMING TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

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When was the last time you played games with your  family or friends?

 

Webster’s definition:

Definition of synchronize

  1. :  to happen at the same time

 

 

Have a glorious  Saturday! I will be thinking of you.

 

Kind Regards and all my love – K

 

Thank you Zen to Zany for your wonderful quotes and pics-  find her on Etsy .

 

 

Synchronize

Not Visiting Dale…

Good morning, from Mooresville, North Carolina!

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My Head in the Clouds on American Airlines – Aug 2017

 

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Starting  the descent for Charlotte Douglas International Airport – Aug 2017

(Note: I did not bring my camera,  just my older Iphone

I shall apologize for the quality of the photography in advance.)

 

NASCAR COUNTRY!

 

Alas, I am not here to visit Dale, Jr.  Though my daughter has met him.

She says he is just a good ol’ country boy, very down to earth.

I was  sad to hear about his retirement, he will be missed!

 

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Driving from Charlotte Douglas International Airport.
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Quick shot of Lake Norman as we drive by- A man made Lake.

 

 

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Not sure what they are but they line the roads… so pretty!
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Planes fly overhead as we continue to our destination.

Time flies by.

Hard to fathom,  it is just one month short of  year since my last visit.

FaceTime dinner with my granddaughter/daughter and her fiance’ has been the upside of modern technology!

My 3 1/2 year old granddaughter said  to me just last week,

“G’ma, when are you going to visit  me?”

To which I replied, ” I  will have to ask Santa, after all he  is a clever fellow.

Perhaps he can help  answer your question.”

That appeased her and off we went onto making silly faces and her  showing

me the latest  tricks of dancing, twirls, favorite colors and counting to 20 and above.

 

Actually my ticket was purchased  and I would be there to  surprise  her within 5 days.

I felt giddy with excitement.

Sadly, at that moment, I realized,  there was no recent memory of such a rush of  adrenaline  or  that same excitement that sparked my brain, caused my heart to sing.

 

Being a serious  adult had gone on way too long.

 

 

Embrace the priceless  moments.

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A princess running faster than the wind!

See the beauty in the side yard!

 

 

 

 

 

“Play is the highest form of Research” – Albert Einstein

 

“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct.” – Carl Jung

 

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

 

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Kind Regards and feeling open to all the  world has to offer. – K

 

Ooze

Ooh, Shiny!

Keep On Rolling…

I’ll admit it. It’s been a rough few weeks.

I haven’t been able to write.

No feelings of creativity or inspiration.

I’ve focused on survival,

It was all I could muster.

As I planted a smile on my face

and went to work each day.

Perhaps I was letting go,

Working on accepting what is.

Grief can come in all forms.

I haven’t seen or ever felt

there was a perfectly defined 

set of rules,

for how you make it 

through.

While watching some Hulu last night

Along came a song… 

Exactly what I needed, 

not that I knew what I needed.

But…

My mind, feet and soul  started to dance.

Whatever  was going on,

I am here now.

Happy Saturday to you!

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REO SPEEDWAGON sang it loud and so did/do I.  

“So if you’re tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah…”

That song, produces pictures of

a time of my life filled with glorious memories…

I heard it last night and discovered

it STILL delivers a special message, meaning

and triggers a quickened heart beat.

(August 4, 2017)

It sparks a fire in my soul!

(Originally released in 1978!)

Yikes!!

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Unbelievable!  Or is it?

I have said it before and you will surely hear,

or read it from me again.

It’s the seemingly simple things in life,

that appear and help get you through.

No matter where you are,

Lounging on the couch,

Driving down the road…

Life,  inspires you, 

If you allow yourself to be open to suggestion.

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Whether it be the infectious giggling of a child 

in the grocery line behind you.

 A new or old favorite song on the radio.

An unexpected happy ending of a movie,

A call from an old friend,

A sweet bird singing in the branches 

Outside your window, 

Or a neighborhood dog that suddenly appears

Just to say hello.

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If it creates a spark of hope,

Quickens your heart rate,

Makes you feel good,

Grab onto it, embrace it!

Tap into the positive energy.

Allow it to help propel you forward.

To place one foot in front of the other,

On your journey  of life.

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Kind Regards and

         feeling grateful for a new day – K

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Photography of the tree trunk, flowers and the neighbor’s dog- 

Compliments of The BlackWallblog.

Casual
Satisfaction

Today

 

Last evening,

I was doing some deep soul searching about how I am handling

what life is giving me. Even wondering if it is identifiable at this point?

What do I do with my uncertainties?

How do I cope, when I want to hide?

 

Transformation; whether it silently arrives much

like a summer’s soft evening breeze, that barely rustles the leaves

and gently caresses my cheek,

Or MORE like a herd of elephants, trampling everything,  once familiar,

that lies in it’s path…BAM! BAM! It is here! DEAL WITH IT!!

Though the arrival is completely different, both are a metamorphosis.

They are an opportunity.

We can fight or we can accept.

If it feels right go for it.

If it feels uncomfortable, yet is not dangerous to our health

Or true well being, then why not give it a chance.

As if  we truly have a choice…

The only choice I see, is whether or not I choose to

go kicking and scratching or remain calm

and see what happens.

Today is a new day… What will you do with your opportunities?

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Last evening’s sunset- Langdon, NH Compliments of BGAGE

What shall I do??

I will take one small step forward and continue on…

Won’t you join me?

Kind Regards and pondering – K

Gate
Transient

A Black Feather in the Grass…

 
“Signs, signs, everywhere a sign…

Do This, DON’T DO THAT

Can’t you read the signs?”

 

It’s been an emotional week. I’m

Not exactly sure why. I’ve been tired, 

dragging, tearing up at the littlest thing. 

I have made some life changes.

It has been an emotional experience the 

Last few months. 

Perhaps this path I’ve chosen 

Holds a lot of unknowns. 

Funny how things happen, that seem random, but when you look deeper,  they are connected.

 Today, walking my neighbors dogs, 

In my path, there it was. 

A long sleek shiny perfect black feather. Hmmmm…

“Siri, what does it mean when you find a black feather ?”

Black Feather MeaningThe following is an excerpt from The Meaning of Feathers chapter – Black Feather Meaning – Available NOW through Amazon HERE
BLACK FEATHER

PHYSICAL MEANING
A healing is taking place. Your body has felt depleted of energy the last few days, and this gifting is to show you that your thoughts and prayers are being answered. Have faith and trust that you have been heard. A new adventure is on the horizon. You are being guided to let go of past hurts from an old friend. The energy of forgiveness is needed for you to move on. Forgive and let go. Allow the energy of healing to surround you. Breathe in new energy. Breathe out the past.

 
Affirmation: “I am surrounded each day with positive energy. Positive energy surrounds me and permeates from me. I give out good vibes and I get back good vibes. My body and mind are completely healed”.
 
SPIRITUAL HEALING
You are being healed on every level of the body, mind and soul. Your energy is being heightened and a much needed healing has taken place. You are being asked to let go and let God, Universe, Spirit to lead you now where you need to be. You have done enough. It is time now for you to be looked after. Have faith that that is happening. Let go of the need to control life. Be at peace.

 
Affirmation: “I am filled with a peaceful energy. With every breath I take I trust and have faith in the Universe, God, Spirit. The Universe, God, Spirit guides me to the place of love and healing. I love my life and am so blessed and grateful for each and every day. I am alive with life and life is alive through me”.

Interesting!

 

Kind Regards and 

        feeling grateful- K

The Bacon Journey

July 1st, WOWSER!!

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A Lady Slipper, found at White Rock National Park, VT. A rare find.

In my head,  excerpts from a CHICAGO song swirls

"Saturday, in the park, 

I think it was the 4th of July....

People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Everybody is another
Can you dig it (yes, I can) 
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday..."

 

So much has transpired since LGB’s diagnosis

of late stage 2 esophagus cancer on March 24, 2017.

Great news!

His numbers are excellent,

they have discontinued chemo.

 

He has lost his voice and it may or may not come back.

 

He adapted and his Smartphone does the talking.

Have you ever thought what it might be like to pull up to your

favorite Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and NOT been able to give

your order?

Well his phone states his daily order for a Turbo shot iced coffee:

PROBLEM SOLVED. 

 

He has one more day of neck radiation.

Two weeks after that a Pet Scan.

If that is good, he is FREE.

Free to roam his beloved woods,

he and his camera can once

again become one.

 

WOO HOO!

 

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White Rock National Park, VT May 2017

FREE

Me, I have been attempting to survive while riding an emotional roller-

coaster.

It is difficult to watch your best friend in pain.

His neck is severely burned and I have done my best to be there for him.

When he let’s me. 

I gave him my all. 

I made a promise to myself to hold his hand while he made the Bacon journey.

 Aptly named due to the crispiness of what radiation treatment does to you.

Besides it adds a touch of humor. “Does anyone smell bacon?”

Oh it’s just LGB…

Okay, so we are a sick group of individuals, but who cares,

it kept us all chuckling!

theres a hole in my bucket
There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza.. lol

LGB and I have been on a tumultuous journey much longer than

the Bacon journey. 

 

The realization that I have been just a passenger along for the ride in his life,

not just for this particular journey, but for the last two years has hit hard.

 

TRUTH- He has proved, though he states he loves me,

that I am only allowed to be a small part of that life.

He made so many promises, they were good intentions.

They wound up being broken promises. 

 

I knew deep in my heart, he was in love with the concept of me.

He liked knowing I was there.

And at one time, I loved him with all my heart.

For me, this is the last leg of his and my life trip together.

 

Sad, yet such a relief to jump off that emotional roller coaster.

 

I need to implement Self-care.

There have been warning signs; panic attacks, night mares,

constant fatigue, etc…

I have been ignoring myself and that is NOT okay. 

A difficult decision.

My mental and physical health

take precedence.

 

Being grateful:

 I am so fortunate to carry forward fabulous memories.

As I travel down my life path… 

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Who know’s what new adventure

may be just around the corner.

 

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Kind Regards and thinking of my best friend -K

 

 

Passenger
Delta

Mind Reflections

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” – Jim Valvano

 


“Often I spend too much time

In my own mind, 

Seeing what was,

Fearing what might be,

Conjuring scenarios of what ifs,

When I should be living”. -K


Interesting discovery , 

When I am; writing,

Researching or thinking of

What I can do 

To help you continue 

Your path forward

My heart and mind 

Stop being chaotic.

I find my inner peace.

❤️

What do YOU do to

Quiet your racing thoughts? 

 

Kind Regards and 

feeling inquisitive- K

 

Create

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

Forever young 


January 27 was the 38th anniversary of my moms passing. She lost her hard fought battle against cancer at the age of 36. 

I was 16.

Memories of days and times

Forever etched within my soul.

She lives on through eternity.

Death will never win

His useless grasps grab only air

As he attempts to steal her. 

For me, I celebrate, not despair

Though I cannot see physical form

The memories of her essence 

Her love, laughter and visuals 

Continue on, 

Keep me warm.

Though passed to another realm

I am the captain at the helm

She always has and always will be

Living on 

Through my brother and me.

As I grow older, live my life,

She stays forever young. 

Kind Regards -K

Unseen

Remember all…

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Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

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Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

Simple survive the Holiday hints…

Tis that time of year… The Holidays = LOTS OF STRESS.

Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday

without too many cuts and bruises… 🙂

Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts

to show you how to EASE your stress-filled mind… ❤

 

watch-lwss-do-more
be-ourselvesthe-2nd-is-chocolate

falalalala-yourself

 

Be kind to yourself!!

 

Kind Regards – K

Liminal