“You need to find your place that believes-
“Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.”
Kind Regards and singing in the weekend sunshine -K
Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-
Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs – feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!
Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.
I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…
So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not. That is entirely up to you.
So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…
You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…
Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K
Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug
I was 16.
Memories of days and times
Forever etched within my soul.
She lives on through eternity.
Death will never win
His useless grasps grab only air
As he attempts to steal her.
For me, I celebrate, not despair
Though I cannot see physical form
The memories of her essence
Her love, laughter and visuals
Keep me warm.
Though passed to another realm
I am the captain at the helm
She always has and always will be
Through my brother and me.
As I grow older, live my life,
She stays forever young.
Kind Regards -K
In this world full of too many choices which can
leave one feeling unclear as to what is the best choice,
which is the right direction to go….
I am confident that:
But most of all….
Kind Regards and believing in you – K
Compliments of Zen to Zany.
Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com
Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart.
Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.
Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might
not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.
Know of someone who might not have a place to go?
Why not invite them to dinner?
I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,
most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one
in your local area. Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart
the peace it deserves.
In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.
It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.
The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,
I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.
They are having an early evening service and welcome new people
with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.
Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.
Open up your heart and home, Dear
Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.
Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear
Let not one feel, they do not belong.
Kind Regards and thinking of all – K
Tis that time of year… The Holidays = LOTS OF STRESS.
Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday
without too many cuts and bruises… 🙂
Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts
to show you how to EASE your stress-filled mind… ❤
Be kind to yourself!!
Kind Regards – K
Good news… I made it through the first week of my new job!
A statement with an immense hidden meaning.
Allow me to translate; I overcame a boat load of anxiety by facing it!
a) Overcame my insomnia, created a sleeping routine for 5 days. (WOW! 5 DAYS!)
b) Drove to work.
c) Met new people.
d) I spent time in an unfamiliar place. (Over 9 hours a day!)
e) Kept my mind in the now. (Practiced mindfulness.)
f) Pushed aside negative thoughts of failure, replacing them with,
“I have been successful for most of my life and
there is no reason I cannot do this.”
g) Implemented and maintained a walking schedule
after work each day to relieve stress and up my serotonin levels.
h) Continued to win the fight over the question;
Is my body truly healthy and will it allow me to do this?
My answer? “YES, DAMMIT, IT IS!!”
This was a test, it was only a test, had it been an actual emergency you would have been told where to tune in your area…. or something along those lines. ha!
If I can do it, you surely can!!
Kind Regards – K
What am I passionate about? I am passionate about the number 22!
That is the number of American veterans we are losing everyday to suicide!
This needs to STOP!
What else am I passionate about? Helping people who suffer from anxiety!
We attempt to live normal lives and it holds us back.
Good news, a friend gave me a book to read while I was on this trip!
Within 5 minutes of cracking the cover and trying a few brain rewire techniques
I had tackled some of my anxiety. I was amazed! Give it a try!
The name of the book “The Anti-anxiety Toolkit”
Rapid Techniques to Rewire the Brain
Author- Melissa Tiers
Kind Regards and hoping to make a difference – K
Daily Post Passionate
Ya wondering where I am?
Monday, I kissed my best buds goodbye and headed for Boston, MA.
You can see Abby was extremely impressed that “mom” was leaving, NOT!
L.G.B. stopped in Monday night to see how the hairy kiddos were handling things.
There was The Chiefster, showing his enthusiasm for “mom” being gone. 😦
Tuesday morning I headed for Logan Airport.
The airport and the flight was filled with the least amount of “travel enthusiasm” I have ever witnessed. It was an unusually somber group.
I am quite sure, it was attributed to the anniversary of 9/11.
Everyone seemed pensive and sullen.. I have never in my 30 plus years of travel, seen anything similar.
Around 11ish I had my head in the clouds, literally!!
The weather was warm and sunny, with a few scattered clouds! What a beautiful day to fly!
You could see for miles!! (…and miles and miles!)
The GOOD NEWS!
I am NOT – MIA! But safe and sound in Mooresville, NC!! (AKA- Race city, USA!)
OH! Dinner’s ready, we are having Pasta Primavera! Gotta go!!
“Sometimes things aren’t clear right away.
That’s where you need to be patient and persevere
and see where things lead.” ~ Mary Pierce
Kind Regards and missing my friends- K
Daily post Perplexed
Inside, her mind conjures flashed negative visions
of failure scenarios.
Outside, raw Inner Fear causes her upper body to
tremble and shake.
Sounds of quick shallow breaths escape, as she mentally,
attempts to gain control. Searching for reality, brain waves
frantically scurry through her frenzied thoughts.
Head tilted downward, lashes lowered, eyes barely open,
overwhelming bright overhead lights and too large an area
cause her to abandon her attempt to scan the entire room.
She switches her minuscule wisp of concentration to locating
a closer target, to gaze upon, fixate.
On the yellow legal pad in front of her, nearly legible,
jagged edge doodles and pen scrawled words,
quivering digits continue writing, diagonal, across and down.
YOU’VE GOT THIS!
Slowly inhaling then exhaling,
she starts writing the familiar list:
Focus on now.
Believe in yourself.
Remember all you have accomplished!
Relax those shoulder muscles!
Smile, this is just a learned response!
Visualize yourself calm.
Your simple steady positive reprogramming is working!
Tick Tock, Tick Tock….
Once again, the attack subsides, she is back.
Kind Regards and Winning – K
Daily Photography challenge Edge
Daily post/prompt Recharge
I don’t know about you,
but when I am not feeling
at my best, the thought of eating
goes right out the window.
Or my appetite goes to the other extreme
and I can’t get enough . (binge eating, is so bad!)
Eating healthy is extremely important
when battling any type of mental illness.
You cannot just eat junk food. (darn it!)
Keeping up your strength and the ol’ body
running in tip top shape is a must!!
This simple recipe is one of my favorites.
Makes me feel like I am eating junk food
but it really isn’t too bad for you.
A win win!!
Saute’ some green and/or red peppers & onions
Hot Italian sausages-Cooked on the grill or on the stove top.
Serve in a sandwich bun.
Simple AND yummy!!
K Tip: Put your condiments in the bottom of your roll,
then plunk your sausage & peppers & onions on top.
This little maneuver saves you from major spillage
from overflow! A trick I learned years ago, walking
around the old county fair!!
Nothing worse than running into someone you know with
a ketchup/mustard mustache
OR having it run down your shirt!
Now I AM hungry!!
Off I go-
Kind Regards and starving – K
Photos by Little_Sister http://www.food.com/user/243474
Daily post/prompt Sandwich
Behind the Eclipse, the sun is shining… K
5 Quotes to help you shine:
“In order for the light to shine so brightly,
the darkness must be present.” ~ Francis Bacon
“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are,
what you are, what you believe shine
through every sentence you write,
every piece you finish.” ~ John Jakes
“Try not to get lost in comparing yourself to others.
Discover your gifts and let them shine!
Softball is amazing that way as a sport.
Everyone on the field has a slightly different
ability that makes them perfect for their position.”
“The sun does not shine for a few trees and flowers,
but for the wide world’s joy.” ~Henry Ward Beecher
“Beset by a difficult problem?
Now is your chance to shine.
Pick yourself up, get to work and
get triumphantly through it.” ~Ralph Marston
5 Songs to sing:
Eclipse now covers.
Behind, the sunshine glows bright.
Soon you’ll shine again.
Kind Regards – K
Early morning I discovered
At the bottom of work’s dumpster
This little nocturnal guy,
He must have fallen in.
I peered over the edge,
What’s the best way
For us to rescue him?
On tiptoes, I stretched
And took another peep
His eyes rose to meet my gaze
Then he closed his lids
And merely nodded off to sleep.
Obviously, it was he,
Who had total trust in me.
The next morning when I arrived,
I rushed over to the dumpster
And when I peered inside,
There was nothing left to see.
Kind Regards – K
I come from a long line of “fretters”, aka nail biters and worry warts. lol
I am thankful for the experiences in my life that
lead me to opportunities which taught me the meaning of-
The practice of various things/exercises that help to maintain balance,
understand mindfulness and help one continue to strive to:
“STAY IN THE NOW.”
Blessed, as I continue to grow and find other outlets for every day stresses.
I am no expert! The goal is to keep working on it and
each day feel more confident that
I am moving in the right direction:
“Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world.
Constantly color your picture gray,
and your picture will always be bleak.
Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor,
and your picture begins to lighten up.”
Kind regards and feeling thankful – K
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep.”
~ Robert Frost
“Nature provides exceptions to every rule.”
~ Margaret Fuller
“Nature uses human imagination to lift her work
of creation to even higher levels.”
“Rest is not idleness,
and to lie sometimes on the grass
under trees on a summer’s day,
listening to the murmur of the water,
or watching the clouds float across the sky,
is by no means a waste of time.”
~ John Lubbock
“Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience.
Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.”
~ Hal Borland
“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous,
leading to the most amazing view.
May your mountains rise into
and above the clouds.”
Kind Regards and may Sunshine surround your soul – K
Photos copyrighted and compliments of K and L.G.B
Kind Regards – K
Daily post Miniature