Hay You!

“Behind every beautiful thing,

           there’s been some kind of pain.”

                               – Bob Dylan

 

 

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South Acworth, NH BGage Photographer Copyright- 2017

 

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Kicking up His Heels! BGage Photographer Copyright- 2017

 

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Family Reunion! BGage Photographer Copyright- 2017

 

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A Horse of Course! TheBlackWallBlog Photo Copyright 2007

 

 

4 Questions from Cee:

 

What was the last URL that you bookmarked or saved?

Expedia.com, for my upcoming trip to see my  3 1/2 yr old Grand daughter in

North Carolina! (It’s been 11 mos since the last time I had one of her precious hugs.)

 

Do you believe in the afterlife?  Reincarnation?

I believe that Rainbow Bridge is filled with animals I have loved and lost, waiting for the day I arrive. 

Numerous times in my life, I felt a presence or had a cardinal appeared,  I could feel in my heart and soul someone I loved was near.

One of those times, I was actually on the back of a dirt bike, I had this terrible feeling I had to get off . The driver thought I was bananas! But, relented, pulled over and let me off, a few feet up the road he pulled into his driveway, the throttle stuck, he had to jump off  and the bike went full speed ahead into the garage. It was a total wreck! 

 

 

If you were or are a writer do you prefer writing short stories, poems or novels?

A novel seems like quite the undertaking, though I have a friend that just had her’s published! For me, it’s poems, haiku and free flowing thoughts.

 

 

What inspired you this past week?  Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination. 

I came home from work to two fabulous surprises! A friend had left fresh blueberries in my refrigerator, and one of my tenants along with a buddy had fixed the top of my driveway! It was Christmas in August!!  

 

“Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them.” – Bob Dylan

 

Come and join one of Cee’s photo Challenges!

 

Kind Regards, K

 

 

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Textures

Keep On Rolling…

I’ll admit it. It’s been a rough few weeks.

I haven’t been able to write.

No feelings of creativity or inspiration.

I’ve focused on survival,

It was all I could muster.

As I planted a smile on my face

and went to work each day.

Perhaps I was letting go,

Working on accepting what is.

Grief can come in all forms.

I haven’t seen or ever felt

there was a perfectly defined 

set of rules,

for how you make it 

through.

While watching some Hulu last night

Along came a song… 

Exactly what I needed, 

not that I knew what I needed.

But…

My mind, feet and soul  started to dance.

Whatever  was going on,

I am here now.

Happy Saturday to you!

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REO SPEEDWAGON sang it loud and so did/do I.  

“So if you’re tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah…”

That song, produces pictures of

a time of my life filled with glorious memories…

I heard it last night and discovered

it STILL delivers a special message, meaning

and triggers a quickened heart beat.

(August 4, 2017)

It sparks a fire in my soul!

(Originally released in 1978!)

Yikes!!

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Unbelievable!  Or is it?

I have said it before and you will surely hear,

or read it from me again.

It’s the seemingly simple things in life,

that appear and help get you through.

No matter where you are,

Lounging on the couch,

Driving down the road…

Life,  inspires you, 

If you allow yourself to be open to suggestion.

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Whether it be the infectious giggling of a child 

in the grocery line behind you.

 A new or old favorite song on the radio.

An unexpected happy ending of a movie,

A call from an old friend,

A sweet bird singing in the branches 

Outside your window, 

Or a neighborhood dog that suddenly appears

Just to say hello.

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If it creates a spark of hope,

Quickens your heart rate,

Makes you feel good,

Grab onto it, embrace it!

Tap into the positive energy.

Allow it to help propel you forward.

To place one foot in front of the other,

On your journey  of life.

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Kind Regards and

         feeling grateful for a new day – K

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Photography of the tree trunk, flowers and the neighbor’s dog- 

Compliments of The BlackWallblog.

Casual
Satisfaction

The Bacon Journey

July 1st, WOWSER!!

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A Lady Slipper, found at White Rock National Park, VT. A rare find.

In my head,  excerpts from a CHICAGO song swirls

"Saturday, in the park, 

I think it was the 4th of July....

People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Everybody is another
Can you dig it (yes, I can) 
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday..."

 

So much has transpired since LGB’s diagnosis

of late stage 2 esophagus cancer on March 24, 2017.

Great news!

His numbers are excellent,

they have discontinued chemo.

 

He has lost his voice and it may or may not come back.

 

He adapted and his Smartphone does the talking.

Have you ever thought what it might be like to pull up to your

favorite Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and NOT been able to give

your order?

Well his phone states his daily order for a Turbo shot iced coffee:

PROBLEM SOLVED. 

 

He has one more day of neck radiation.

Two weeks after that a Pet Scan.

If that is good, he is FREE.

Free to roam his beloved woods,

he and his camera can once

again become one.

 

WOO HOO!

 

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White Rock National Park, VT May 2017

FREE

Me, I have been attempting to survive while riding an emotional roller-

coaster.

It is difficult to watch your best friend in pain.

His neck is severely burned and I have done my best to be there for him.

When he let’s me. 

I gave him my all. 

I made a promise to myself to hold his hand while he made the Bacon journey.

 Aptly named due to the crispiness of what radiation treatment does to you.

Besides it adds a touch of humor. “Does anyone smell bacon?”

Oh it’s just LGB…

Okay, so we are a sick group of individuals, but who cares,

it kept us all chuckling!

theres a hole in my bucket
There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza.. lol

LGB and I have been on a tumultuous journey much longer than

the Bacon journey. 

 

The realization that I have been just a passenger along for the ride in his life,

not just for this particular journey, but for the last two years has hit hard.

 

TRUTH- He has proved, though he states he loves me,

that I am only allowed to be a small part of that life.

He made so many promises, they were good intentions.

They wound up being broken promises. 

 

I knew deep in my heart, he was in love with the concept of me.

He liked knowing I was there.

And at one time, I loved him with all my heart.

For me, this is the last leg of his and my life trip together.

 

Sad, yet such a relief to jump off that emotional roller coaster.

 

I need to implement Self-care.

There have been warning signs; panic attacks, night mares,

constant fatigue, etc…

I have been ignoring myself and that is NOT okay. 

A difficult decision.

My mental and physical health

take precedence.

 

Being grateful:

 I am so fortunate to carry forward fabulous memories.

As I travel down my life path… 

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Who know’s what new adventure

may be just around the corner.

 

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Kind Regards and thinking of my best friend -K

 

 

Passenger
Delta

Mother’s Day 2017

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Along with a lovely top,  the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤

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The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.

Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence? 

My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.

My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.

Top Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants you to Know  (link)

These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war,  he has not been a part of my life.  His choosing not mine.

“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes.  Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”

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This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016.  My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤

For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why? 


That’s an easy question to answer:

“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”

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Happy Mother’s Day to all!!  

       I hope you have a glorious day!

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Kind Regards and feeling grateful

                       for all the universe provides – K

…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️

Final

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

An Eye Opener

my natural heart from bri

 

Two years together

And what is there to show?

Of the love we’ve shared,

Of precious time spent?

We’ve chattered, laughed,

Giggled with silliness,

Down well traveled roads,

Together.

Think of all we’ve done,

Accomplished and over come.

 

IMG_5377

Today, marked the start

Of a new journey

We’ve never yet explored.

After one and half weeks of tests,

Yes, today 

We received the news,

A confirmed reservation,

LGB is late in Stage 2.

It hit’s me

Circumstances have dictated

Tho I’m the professed

Love of his life,

I’ve remained,

The girl in the shadows.

sHADOW SELFIES OF LGB AND I AT DAMN TO HAVE CAPTIONED #2

How going forward,

Do I help him

Win this battle?

What role do I play,

As a warrior in this fight?

Only by a forward step

Into that bright sun-light

Can I truly be his partner,

To crusade and lobby,

Grow the strongest army.

As we enter into war

Against this new found plight.

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Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….

 

#winning

 

Kind Regards – K and LGB

aka BGage on Viewbug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo challenge Security

Word press word prompt Outlier

Celebrate- YOU!

HAVE A SILLY DAY!

 

Perhaps, today’s a good day

To relax, revel in your own joy 

Of the now,

YES!

HERE!

Just where you are at.

 

Take a sanity break

‘Cuz, continuously

Running round in circles

Makes ya dizzy

And what’s the use of that?

 

Breathe deeply and enjoy

Sit back, and take a load off.

Celebrate your success,

For all that you have done

You put forth the grandest effort,

NOW!

LOOK AT!

How far that you have come!

 

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Kind Regards and celebrating “our” existence- K

 

Retreat

Remember all…

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Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

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Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

Back to Reality

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Good news… I made it through the first week of my  new job! 

A statement with an immense hidden meaning.

Allow me to translate; I overcame a boat load of anxiety by facing it!

 

a) Overcame my insomnia, created a sleeping routine for 5 days. (WOW! 5 DAYS!)

b) Drove to work.

c) Met new people.

d) I spent time in an unfamiliar place. (Over 9 hours a day!)

e) Kept  my mind in the now. (Practiced mindfulness.)

f) Pushed aside negative thoughts of failure, replacing them with,

“I have been successful for most of my life and

there is no reason I cannot do this.”

g) Implemented and maintained a walking schedule

after work each day to relieve stress and up my serotonin levels.

h) Continued to win the fight over the question;

Is my body truly healthy and will it allow me to do this?  

My answer? “YES, DAMMIT, IT IS!!”

 

#WINNING!!

 

#HappyDance!!

 

This was a test, it was only a test, had it been an actual emergency you would have been told where to tune in your area…. or something along those lines. ha!

 

 

anxiety-not-welcome-anymore

 

If I can do it, you surely can!! 

Kind Regards – K

 

 

 

 

 

Daily prompt Test

U R #Winning….Meet and Greet List

Sorry guys and gals it doesn’t happen overnight..

It takes hard work and perseverance!!

But, if you believe…

and keep plugging along….

and each day you put one foot in front of the other

you already mirror my all time favorite hashtag-

#WINNING

 

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Zen to Zany has done it again!!  Look her up on ETsy.com- Tell her K sent you!

Here are some of my “favorite”

Meet and Greets

If you know of more

Please leave them in the comment section 

I will happily add them to the list!!

 

Dream Big Dream Often Meet and Greet

Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

Success Inspirer’s World Solidarity Support Group

Cooking Pot and twisted Tales, links and Monthly blog parties

Opinionated man Looking for bloggers, Looking for Meet and Greets?

Weekend introduce yourself with Making Time for Me

Lifestyle Everyday Randomness

 

 

Network, support each other, re-post, tweet, befriend, like, comment, learn, appreciate, inspire and become part of our growing team!! 

 

 Let’s add Great “Challenges”  from  your favorite blogs!

Please leave them in the comment section

 I will happily make a list of those too.

 

Miracle girl Blogs weekly writing challenge

Insights bipolar bear- new challenge each Wednesday!

Weekly Flash Fiction challenge The Black Wall Blog

 

 

Don’t forget to drop me a note, follow me, re-blog and

LEAVE A COMMENT:

**Our tradition –  witty remarks and irony always WELCOME!**

 

 

Kind Regards and Keep up the fantastic work of being you – K

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Daily post –Slowly

PhotoFunia-1468650528
LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? Why not buy me a DD coffee?

LINK to buy me a coffee…

Creating Powerful Devotions - Learn How to Banner

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

K