The Difference (a short story)

Who knows if Frank ever truly loved her for his forever, as he vowed. The answer to that question was buried along with him.

 

It was cancer, as he had foreseen. It hit him as second cancer, according to the experts. It wasn’t longer than 6 months after, his one year cancer free anniversary. Six months after he had told her he was going to die soon anyway, so he wanted his freedom. Therefore, she could start grieving him now. Just pretend I have already passed on, were his words.

 

Kate thought he was hilarious. “Since when in the last 3 years, have you not already done exactly what you wanted?”, she chuckled along with her reply. He smiled that odd secretive smile he often used when he was already living inside his own thoughts. Hugged her and walked away.

 

 

Kate knew all too well the difference between “pretend” death and the real thing. She knew when a person was gone,eventually, those 

left behind, could find solace. There was an acceptance of knowing their loved one, was no longer in pain and felt at peace.

 

When she was fifteen, her mom, lost a 3 ½ year battle against leukemia and cancer. Her father had gone to the other side after a sudden heart attack in 1998. Then bone cancer that moved upward, took her older brother in 2007, when Kate was in her early forties.

 

Often, on a bad day, she would still talk to them. Instinctively, Kate felt them as they watched over her. Angels. 

She thought of them as protective angels, 

keeping herself, her children and later her grandchildren from harm. 

Hell, her theory was 

proven when she was barely 16. One late,sunny summer afternoon, as they were cruising up the road on his dirt bike. Suddenly, she hollered into her high school boyfriend’s ear,

 YOU HAVE GOT TO PULL OVER, I HAVE TO GET OFF!

 

From nowhere, she had this desperate anxiety flood 

every nerve in her body. Panic succumbed her thoughts. The message? 

GET OFF THAT BIKE, KATE! GET OFF THAT BIKE RIGHT NOW!

 

Dave, being the loving, caring boyfriend that he was, pulled over to the side of the country road. She hopped off. He looked at her, shrugged his shoulders, gave her the, are you sure look? She nodded. They were approximately 1500 feet from the base of his parents driveway. Slowly, he pulled away.

 

Just as he turned onto the hill of the driveway, the bike’s throttle stuck, discovering the brakes were gone, he had no choice but to jump off. Somehow, the bike, remained 

perfectly upright. It gained speed up the hill, across the driveway and crashed 

full throttle into the garage doors at the other end. He could hear the high pitch wine of the engine that within seconds, sputtered and died.

 

Kate came running. Still laying on the side of the driveway, Dave looked up at her and asked, “How THE HELL, did you know?”, “I didn’t.”, she replied, still slightly out of breath. “All I knew, was for some dang reason, I just HAD to get off that friggin bike! 

 

Sitting up in the grass, he reached for her and pulled her close. She snuggled in and the two of them just sat there for an hour or more, holding each other. They quietly chatted, as young lovers do. Occasionally, one of them glanced towards the mutilated dirt bike.

That, was the day it started…  

 

 ❤️

Thought I would try my hand at a short story.

In all honesty, I picked up a new journal the other day.

As I was putting away the groceries, I picked up a pen and that story wrote itself.

Some is fiction, some is not.

Kind Regards and #winning- K

❤️

Photography, copyrighted and compliments of K of TheBlackWallBlog. 12.18

 

 

 

Dear Insomnia

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Thank you Zen to Zany
As Soon as I get some sleep
We are so going to break up.
My eyes are blood shot and my body so weak,
A good night's rest is all that I seek.
I've drank a whole pot of coffee, and 
Still not sure, I can get through the day,
Oh Lord, my shirts on backwards,
How the heck did I get this way?
Even though the dogs are tired,
They're still begging for their treat.
I just wanna snuggle with my pillow
Heck! The suns arriving and I'm already beat.
Today, I have a full schedule, many things to get done
I just found my missing glasses tucked in the freezer.
My eyes are seeing spots and just wont stay open
Should I take the day off? Perhaps, give myself a breather? 

Dear insomnia feel free to get out of my life
All night my mind wouldn't stop, it was doing a race. 
I just tripped over an imaginary bump in the floor
I feel like a klutz and dang! Even my sneakers won't lace.
 

Have you ever experienced this? 
Spent the night, Watched the clock, 
As you go nuts continuously tossing and turning?
When the buzz of the alarm tells you, it's time to get up,
You groan, 'cuz a few ZZZZs is all you're still yearning?

Sounds silly I know, for me to be whining  
And to think as a child I balked at a nap!
Now as an adult with the yawns, I would love one.
Hmmmm, I think I have an idea for Apples next app!





Okay, so I pushed the poetry dos and don'ts 
and even proper English envelope! But if I can't goof 
around with my words, what's the point, what's my purpose of being able to 
write and share your thoughts? One should never stop creating if that is
what they crave and  makes you happy! Make your own path...
Individuality is a large part of what life is all about.  
The irony is I have actually put my glasses in the freezer when I was over tired.
It still makes me chuckle. To this day, whenever I have misplaced something 
that is the first place I look!!  

Enjoy your day!!
 







 

 

Daily post- Purpose

Some days I dance!

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Thank you Zen to Zany!!

Just as the veteran cannot control his flashbacks nor can an individual predict what dreams they will experience at night. A person who lives fighting depression is unable to control the days they feel down. But, the good news is they can try!

Unlike a bad case of the chicken pox, depression is not visible.  I have been told my depression is all in my head. Obviously, if you can’t see it, it cannot exist, right? Wrong!  We are near or next to people each day and have no idea they fight to embrace the positive side of existence.

There are days when I feel like that cartoon character that walks around with the pesky rain cloud overhead. Other days, I awake to find sunshine in my head, heart and soul.

Each day, I struggle to achieve inner peace and true happiness. My tool box filled with tips and tricks of being positive shows wear and tear from years of usage. It isn’t sitting in the corner collecting dust. Every morning, I journal my long list of gratitudes. I work on positive affirmations, listen to upbeat music, play happify.com and push forward through the storm towards the bright light of smiles and feel good moments.

Some days I dance, some days I falter.

Some days I am a circus clown doing a juggling act. Often, I grow weary and tired. Yet, I continue my goal to push through the wall that often seems to block my path to a life of content. Determination and the knowledge that I am a winner keeps me going.

I take the time to see the beauty that is all around me. I do my best to be there for others. Having watched the secret I continuously practice the art of staying open to what the universe can provide.   It is amazing what shows up at your front door when you least expect it. And the timing is always just right. If I had never allowed myself the chance, I never would have witnessed the miracle. Even writing this I can hear the groans of people that don’t believe. It’s okay! I was once a non-believer. All it took was one time and it literally turned my life around.

It is so frustrating when I hit, what I deem to be, a needless bump in the road. It literally took me 3 months the last time I started seeing a new Psychiatrist to prove that I was really working on winning. Unfortunately, there are some that whether knowing it or not undermine their own success. That is not me. I take my anxiety and low dose of depression meds each day as prescribed. Each meeting, I literally handed my bottles to the new psych doctor and asked him to count them, do the math, determined to prove I was a serious about being well. He really seemed surprised that I was so adamant. Finally, one day he looked at me and I could see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he believed in me. It felt wonderful.  I felt the victory!  Ahhh, relief! 🙂

My adult son messaged me one day- “You don’t have it all that bad, there are so many people worse off than you. I have watched you since I was twelve years old, mom. Why can’t you quit living in the past, enjoy the now and be happy?” I responded- “You are correct, I don’t have it all that bad.”  Then he was gone, not waiting for a further explanation. It was okay that he didn’t.  After all, I am his mom and my job is to support him in his journey of life. He doesn’t realize I see a lot of similarities of me in him. I see his struggles and his victories. I am proud!

Many years ago, when my children were very young we had someone close, take their own life. Suicide has never been an option for me. I have seen the impact on the people left behind. I know the questions that will never have answers. It is something that stays with you for the rest of your life.  You remember, but you have to let go and know that there is nothing you can do to change the past. I went to visit the grave and yell at him for being so stupid. In all, I ranted, raved and told him what I thought for over 25 minutes. I didn’t know why at the time, but I HAD TO DO IT!  It took the anguish and anger I was feeling away. That venting was mind and soul freeing and one of the best decisions I have made.  (I haven’t a clue whether or not anyone witnessed it. I am sure if they did they thought I was a nut case!) Oh well!  Smirk.

I truly believe that no matter what we face each day, things will get better!

“The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving.”– Oliver Wendell Holmes

“There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures.”– Josiah Gilbert Holland

“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.”– William James

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”– Lao Tzu

“You may find the worst enemy or best friend in yourself.”– English Proverb

“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.”– Jack Canfield

Click below to hear

Matt Kennon – The Call music video- Posted by a veteran who knows

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Kind Regards and #winning – K

Angry

It’s 3am and Coffee time!

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Thank you Zen to Zany!

 

Good morning, I raise my steaming mug of freshly brewed (Drip not Keurig) coffee to you!!

A FB (aka Facebook),  acquaintance posted this: “I’m getting married on the 23 of July, 2016. I know it’s sudden but I didn’t want everyone all up in my business. So please don’t take it personal if you didn’t already know. Seeing it’s right around the corner, I’m not planning a big wedding. I’ll be inviting some family and only a handful of my closest friends. I will be sending out invites soon so I would really appreciate your presence on this day. Please don’t worry about bringing gifts. Just bring someone I can get married to. Let’s see who reads this entire status as I found this hilarious. Copy and paste to your wall and see how many fall for it.”

Of course it made me chuckle so I just had to share it on my FB status. The results?

66 likes and 40 plus comments and counting. My friends obvious love my often “goofy” sense of humor-

You can tell by some of  my favorite comments:

"Glad you haven't lost that beautiful sense of humor"

"Leave it to you K. I am still laughing."

"Congrats, Sis!! Heeeheee"

"Hilarious!"

"I read it & I WAS happy for you even if you are full of it."

"You Brat, lol. You had me going, & I was feeling left out that I did not know about it. 
"You are toooo funny girlfriend; good one!"

"You got me.. So funny.. I'd share it but my family would have a heart attack.."

"I got a few men aged 70 -90 that would enjoy it, ha ha." 

"Oh you silly girl!"

"Thanks for the laugh I needed one and that was a good one."

"Love it!"

"Don't laugh, you might get results! If you want!"

"Holy COW! So happy for you that you didn't ACTUALLY take leave of your senses!!!"

My friends have come to expect the unexpected. Okay, perhaps this wasn’t my funniest to date. But, the results sure made me smile!! I can go for weeks posting positive quotes, pics of the grand kiddos, acting normal… then… I just have to toss in a random, have I got your attention , post? 🙂 Obviously, I have!  hahaha!

What tickles your funny bone? What brings out the silly side of you?

How true this is-

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

 

 

Kind Regards and still chuckling -K

 

Orderly
Epitome

Always, Trust your Gut!

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Thank you Zen to Zany

My gut told me something wasn’t quite right. Your words didn’t match what I saw in your eyes or your actions. The feeling didn’t go away, I started to doubt myself. Was I imagining it?  You kept telling me I was being foolish. I hurt on the inside. I wanted to believe in you. My gut said no! Finally, I had to make the painful choice to walk away. I named it self preservation.

A year later we started chatting again. Like old friends. You told me that I had hurt you terribly. We talked about why I had left. You chatted about all the things you had been doing, how you had overcome challenges and made a change for the better. I listened, but kept my distance.Time went on, you started calling me every day, often more than once. You were saying things I had so longed to hear the previous year. In my mind, I thought maybe there had been a change. But still, I kept my distance.

We shared our thoughts and dreams in hours of conversations and we laughed. It was more than good and it felt great.  You invited me places, but my schedule wasn’t open. I apologized. This went on for a couple of months. I continued to keep you at arms length. It seemed best to wait and see. My gut was quiet.

Then came the day I decided that maybe your words were true and your actions would back them. My schedule cleared, I made the plunge to spend some quality time with you. Within 24 hours, my gut went crazy with red flags. I started seeing what I had witnessed the year before. Your words started to match your actions. All those months of talk, was just that… talk. Once again, it was time for me to go. As I drove away, the flood of tears started along with that familiar knife stab pain in my heart.

Blessed or cursed with being a hopeless romantic, I kept thinking, maybe it was just a bad day. My gut knew better.

I believe in teamwork and sharing the hard times. That life is easier when you weather any storm together. My mind replays our long conversations of the last few months.  Hidden in your words, was the fact that you had plans to do it on your own.

Now, it has been days since I have heard from you. A part of me still wants you in my life. I miss our friendship. Though, I have realized that you are still emotionally unavailable.

You loved the challenge of trying to win me back. And once I was there, you were gone.

I will always pick up the phone when you call. I will always be your friend if you need one. But, I won’t be sitting here waiting for that phone to ring. My time is a very valuable commodity.  Too much of that time has been wasted on hopes and dreams of what we could be. What we could have been. It was a lesson I had to endure.  Hell, I obviously had to do it twice! I have learned it well.

My gut is very wise. It may hurt right now. Time will pass and I will be fine. I am a survivor.

Never, have I been a person that held a grudge. My personality is that of one who forgives quickly.  Holding onto anything negative is a ridiculous waste of my energy. One important point, I always forgive, but I don’t forget.  I feel sad for you. Even though you don’t realize it now. One day you are going to wake up and realize you missed out. Or perhaps you will just move on and not look back. Either way…

Thank you for the countless cherished memories. But most of all, thank you for the reminder, to always trust my gut.

 

 

 

 

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