“You need to find your place that believes-
“Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.”
Kind Regards and singing in the weekend sunshine -K
Along with a lovely top, the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤
The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.
Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence?
My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.
My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.
These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war, he has not been a part of my life. His choosing not mine.
“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.
9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?
10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt. He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes. Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”
This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016. My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤
For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why?
That’s an easy question to answer:
“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”
Happy Mother’s Day to all!!
I hope you have a glorious day!
Kind Regards and feeling grateful
for all the universe provides – K
…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️
Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-
Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs – feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!
Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.
I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…
So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not. That is entirely up to you.
So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…
You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…
Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K
Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug
I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a
mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.
Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.
From past experience, I didn’t fight,back, it was just what I needed.
It gave me, “ME” time.
No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.
The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.
A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.
I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days.
Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.
Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!!
In the wee hours of Saturday morning,
I brewed that coffee I like.
Walked outside, temp about 32.
Oh! how the birds were singing
Their early morning songs
No cawing of ugliness or discontent
Just sweet intertwined melodies.
A possibility of a sunny day
Was teasing me
As the cloudless sky was showing
it’s extra brightness
Right where a sunrise could be.
Something pushed me towards
My fall leaf filled flower garden,
I reached for this season’s
Yet untouched lawn rake
And swiped some leaves away.
Below, that crispy crinkle brown,
The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.
I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.
A few more strokes and there it was
One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of HOPE!!
Shiny vibrant green leaves,
With just two, Christmas red holly berries.
The color even more enhanced
With last year’s oak brown backdrop.
I knew it was the sign
Nature wanted me to find.
An Easter gift just for me.
For so many times
When I have stumbled,
Mother Earth seemed to know
Just exactly what I needed.
As in the past
My soul was renewed,
Clear, wide open
To let in – those endless
Of my life’s possibilities.
Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K
Photography of my berry find by LGB
aka: Bgage on ViewBug.
Two years together
And what is there to show?
Of the love we’ve shared,
Of precious time spent?
We’ve chattered, laughed,
Giggled with silliness,
Down well traveled roads,
Think of all we’ve done,
Accomplished and over come.
Today, marked the start
Of a new journey
We’ve never yet explored.
After one and half weeks of tests,
We received the news,
A confirmed reservation,
LGB is late in Stage 2.
It hit’s me
Circumstances have dictated
Tho I’m the professed
Love of his life,
The girl in the shadows.
How going forward,
Do I help him
Win this battle?
What role do I play,
As a warrior in this fight?
Only by a forward step
Into that bright sun-light
Can I truly be his partner,
To crusade and lobby,
Grow the strongest army.
As we enter into war
Against this new found plight.
Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….
Kind Regards – K and LGB
aka BGage on Viewbug.
Photo challenge Security
Word press word prompt Outlier
I can say I never talk politics, until now.
It shall be extremely brief.
Honestly, as of today I am embarrassed to be an American.
Freedom of speech is such a wonderful privilege, my heart and mind
are unable to fathom how violence portrays anything
other than ignorance and a lack of respect for each other.
As has long been my quest,
I reached for the positive.
Once again, Zen to Zany along with a few
items I have tucked away bring me back
to where I belong.
Right here, right now.
Kind Regards – K
HAVE A SILLY DAY!
Perhaps, today’s a good day
To relax, revel in your own joy
Of the now,
Just where you are at.
Take a sanity break
Running round in circles
Makes ya dizzy
And what’s the use of that?
Breathe deeply and enjoy
Sit back, and take a load off.
Celebrate your success,
For all that you have done
You put forth the grandest effort,
How far that you have come!
Kind Regards and celebrating “our” existence- K
Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com
Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart.
Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.
Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might
not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.
Know of someone who might not have a place to go?
Why not invite them to dinner?
I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,
most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one
in your local area. Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart
the peace it deserves.
In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.
It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.
The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,
I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.
They are having an early evening service and welcome new people
with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.
Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.
Open up your heart and home, Dear
Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.
Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear
Let not one feel, they do not belong.
Kind Regards and thinking of all – K
Tis that time of year… The Holidays = LOTS OF STRESS.
Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday
without too many cuts and bruises… 🙂
Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts
to show you how to EASE your stress-filled mind… ❤
Be kind to yourself!!
Kind Regards – K
Hello ol' friends, it's been awhile Hard to believe That once again it has come Another snow fall, this winter's first Yes, again it did appear So gentle and so pure It covered Fall's browned leaves With tiny petite white fluff. Our favorite magical time of year, Yes, it would have been more dear If the ones who knew me best Could have stood along beside me Though in my heart and mind They forever will be near.
How many times have we read the words?
Through our lives, so many people, friends and family
have joined us in our traditional celebrations.
And the years go by….
You wake up one day, with only beautiful memories
of those that have now passed.
How do you handle it?
Well you know what I am going to say,
THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS UP TO YOU!
As for me, I raise my glass of wine in celebration!
How blessed I am to have such glorious memories to cherish.
“Here’s to the good ol’ days, to the present I am here to enjoy
and to the future of grand things to come!”
Kind Regards and feeling thankful – K
I am thankful for the 4 seasons in New England.
Having had the wonderful opportunity to have lived in Oregon and
Arizona, though I embraced their unique beauty,
My heart still belongs to New England.
Fall is my favorite,
Spring comes second
and Winter and Summer tie for 3rd.
**Shared via pics of our New England backyard
along with a couple of Zen to Zany’s
thought provoking prints…
**Pictures are compliments of L.G.B –
aka: “Mr October” in the 2017 AGCO Calendar.
Check it out if you have a chance.
Sorry, it’s his prize winning photo, not him in his Speedo… smirk.
Keep moving forward one step at a time….
Kind Regards and feeling ghoulishly thankful- K
WordPress – Local
Join me in my quest for
MORE “One of the Lucky Ones!”
It’s been six months since I posted
I’m still C-diff free!
How did I do it?
I ate 1 avocado a day and
Drank Kevita probiotic drink
(Switched to Karma Vitamin water with probiotics in the cap 2 mos ago)
Along with eating, 🍹ing or taking the following-
Standard process Promaline Iodine & Okra pepsin E3
Fish oil supplement
Turmeric sprinkled on my Crohns and colitis diet
Yogurt daily (No other dairy)
1 Banana per day
Fermented foods (dill pickles or sauerkraut work well)
No red meat ( still none yet 😒)
Fruit smoothie made with banana, blueberries and applesauce with a squirt of lemon ( now 3 times per week instead of everyday)
Coconut water not made from concentrate in tap water
Nature’s Bounty probiotic at dinner time.
Cayenne pepper sprinkled on most anything.
Seeped green tea, echinacea, marshmallow root and stevia herbs. ( I also add ginkgo)
Ginger in or on anything you like.
I keep a prescription of dicyclomine 20 mg on hand in case of Colon spasms.
Start with a short walk each day and increase distance as your body will allow. If you feel pulling in you abdominal area shorten it, then increase again in a week or two.
**For more in depth information read my Rant and rave on The Unwanted Visitor post!**
** Most important is the PROBIOTICS and the AVOCADO! **
Health be with you!!
Keep me posted and share! share! share!!
Copyrighted and owned by K at the Black Wall Blog! No posts may be professionally published without written permission.
As I was laying in the ER the other day getting a bag of fluids due to some gastro-something virus thing I caught at work. My blood work results returned and a very relieved PA said to me “You know you’re one of the lucky ones.”
“One of the lucky ones. One of the lucky ones.” Those 5 words have swirled round and round in my head for the last 24 hours.
That statement made me glad AND sad.
1) Due to back to back bouts of c-diff earlier this year I can no longer take anti- biotics. One of those “helpful” lil’ buggers caused my c- diff!
But that’s not why I”m saddened by “being one of the lucky ones.”
2) I lost my job and almost everything I own due to that terrible super bug .
But that’s not why I”m saddened by “being one of the lucky ones.”
3) The fact that less than 80% of people are cured by the C-diff drugs doctors prescribe, (including me).
THAT makes me sad!
The fact that I spent numerous days researching alternatives, digging into studies, reading blogs and comments, digging, praying only to sleep a few hours and start again making notes, trying this, trying that until FINALLY! I started feeling better .
I’m proud I did it
Unfortunately the regular doctors and primary care physicians aren’t mentiong any of these alternatives.
The pharmaceutical companies are going to fight, probably already are against the answers, the discoveries of what is working ! THAT makes me SAD AND MAD!!
I want MORE lucky ones!
I wrote about C-diff and my trials in my post The Unwanted visitor! I didn’t know if it was truly going to work then.
NOW I know, IT DID!
In my next post I will reiterate in a quick 3 minute(ish) read what to try! AND NOT one of those disgusting sounding turmeric enemas IS part of it! Ewwwww!
I shiver,quiver and feel gross just thinking about it. I apologize to those getting by on that method. But ugh!
One, stipulation if you try what I did. Keep me posted on your progress. Comment comment comment!
THEN PAY IT FORWARD!
Spread the word!
SHARE and be a part of my quest for MORE “ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES!”
and often long winded-K
All contents of this post is copyrighted by K at The Black Wall Blog. It cannot be professionally published without written consent.
I am thankful for God and the Universe for showing me kindness from strangers that I had no idea existed. There are people that care and see those things you try to hide from the outside world. I call them angels on earth.
I am so thankful for those friends old and new that have been by my side since February. They have helped me thru some rough times, never did they falter. They caught me off guard as they just showed up. Sometimes, you don’t have to ask for help, a higher power does it for you.
I am thankful for the lesson, that starts with that “H” word. There may come a moment when you have no other choice. And that is okay. Having an illness that had my body literally starving itself left me weak and often unable to get out of bed for days at a time. I was scared. I picked up the phone. It was difficult. I did it!
I am thankful for my faithful companions! They are full of love that never fails.
I am thankful that I found the strength to start the path to rebuild my muscle tone and the inner determination that I was NOT going to lose the fight.
I am thankful that, NOW, I have a chance to pay their kindness forward.
I am thankful for the blogging world that kept me sane.
(Okay! You got me on that one, almost sane!) “GRINNING!”
Let it all sound sappy to some.
I’ll walk a mile in their shoes if they would care to walk a mile in mine!
(One condition: They get to go back to February, March and April and try it!)
Insert- “SNICKER and EVIL chuckle with a wink!”-here. 😉
Sing it with me now!!
Kind Regards and feeling beyond grateful, thankful and blessed – K
Good news… I made it through the first week of my new job!
A statement with an immense hidden meaning.
Allow me to translate; I overcame a boat load of anxiety by facing it!
a) Overcame my insomnia, created a sleeping routine for 5 days. (WOW! 5 DAYS!)
b) Drove to work.
c) Met new people.
d) I spent time in an unfamiliar place. (Over 9 hours a day!)
e) Kept my mind in the now. (Practiced mindfulness.)
f) Pushed aside negative thoughts of failure, replacing them with,
“I have been successful for most of my life and
there is no reason I cannot do this.”
g) Implemented and maintained a walking schedule
after work each day to relieve stress and up my serotonin levels.
h) Continued to win the fight over the question;
Is my body truly healthy and will it allow me to do this?
My answer? “YES, DAMMIT, IT IS!!”
This was a test, it was only a test, had it been an actual emergency you would have been told where to tune in your area…. or something along those lines. ha!
If I can do it, you surely can!!
Kind Regards – K
My first time reaching out via social media:
In 2010 while my son was deployed, I ordered my flag and proudly displayed it in my front window.
I was amazed at the number of people that did not have a clue why I had that blue star flag in my window.
My neighbor, had a flag with 2 blue stars in hers, She knew.
So many questions on FB… “What are you talking about? A Blue what??”
So I answered:
The Service flag, also called the Blue Star Flag, was designed and patented by WWI Army Captain Robert L. Queisser of the 5th Ohio Infantry who had two sons serving on the front line. The flag quickly became the unofficial symbol of a child in service.
President Wilson became part of this history when in 1918 he approved a suggestion made by the Women’s Committee of the Council of National Defenses that mothers who had lost a child serving in the war wear a gold gilt star on the traditional black mourning arm band.
This led to the tradition of covering the blue star with a gold star on the Service flag to indicate that the service member has died.
A Military Mom’s Poem
Give me the greatness of heart to see,
The difference between duty and his love for me.
Give me understanding, so that I may know,
When duty calls him, he must go.
Give me a task to do each day,
To fill the time when he’s away.
When he’s in a foreign land,
Keep him safe in your loving hand.
And Lord, when duty is in the field,
Please protect him and be his shield.
And Lord, when deployment is so long,
Please stay with me and keep me strong.
Becoming a Military Parent
On behalf of the Blue Star Mother’s of America, it is with great honor that we welcome you into the journey of being a military parent!
We are there with you as you cross the bridge to becoming a Blue Star Mother and Father to support you in any way we can.
We are a support group, whose members consist of Mothers, Fathers, Spouses, Siblings, Grandparents, Extended Family and Friends of someone who has or has had a loved one in the military. We support each other, our military and veterans.
Since WWI mothers have hung “Blue Star Flags” in their windows while their children served in the armed forces especially during conflicts or wars.
To be a Blue Mother or Father is an Honor only your child can give to you. The Blue Star stands for hope and pride.
Becoming a military parent continues the life long journey … of hope and pride. As when your child was born, you were filled with that hope and pride as well as excitement, anxiety, fear and great joy. As you step into the walk of being a military parent that journey continues and once again life changes. You find yourself noticing even more the patriotic symbols all around you, flying your United States flag with a different kind of pride. Thus “Supporting Our Troops” in a way you have probably never before.
Life changes, as your child will hold him or herself to a higher standard, you too will find it changes your life. Forever supporting your child in a different way with even more hope and pride for serving our country to keep our land free.
May you and your child be blessed while this journey of life unfolds!
Remember: “To be a Blue Star Mother or Father is an Honor only your child can give to you!”
Written by: Jean T. Duane
National 2nd Vice President ~ 2007
We wish to remember and extend our deepest sympathies
to all Gold Star Families.
May we always remember those who gave all for our country.
The Final Roll Call
We thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday
We think of you in silence
Now all we have are memories
Your memory is our keepsake
God has you in His keeping
Kind Regards and All my loving thoughts – K