Keep On Rolling…

I’ll admit it. It’s been a rough few weeks.

I haven’t been able to write.

No feelings of creativity or inspiration.

I’ve focused on survival,

It was all I could muster.

As I planted a smile on my face

and went to work each day.

Perhaps I was letting go,

Working on accepting what is.

Grief can come in all forms.

I haven’t seen or ever felt

there was a perfectly defined 

set of rules,

for how you make it 

through.

While watching some Hulu last night

Along came a song… 

Exactly what I needed, 

not that I knew what I needed.

But…

My mind, feet and soul  started to dance.

Whatever  was going on,

I am here now.

Happy Saturday to you!

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REO SPEEDWAGON sang it loud and so did/do I.  

“So if you’re tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah…”

That song, produces pictures of

a time of my life filled with glorious memories…

I heard it last night and discovered

it STILL delivers a special message, meaning

and triggers a quickened heart beat.

(August 4, 2017)

It sparks a fire in my soul!

(Originally released in 1978!)

Yikes!!

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Unbelievable!  Or is it?

I have said it before and you will surely hear,

or read it from me again.

It’s the seemingly simple things in life,

that appear and help get you through.

No matter where you are,

Lounging on the couch,

Driving down the road…

Life,  inspires you, 

If you allow yourself to be open to suggestion.

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Whether it be the infectious giggling of a child 

in the grocery line behind you.

 A new or old favorite song on the radio.

An unexpected happy ending of a movie,

A call from an old friend,

A sweet bird singing in the branches 

Outside your window, 

Or a neighborhood dog that suddenly appears

Just to say hello.

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If it creates a spark of hope,

Quickens your heart rate,

Makes you feel good,

Grab onto it, embrace it!

Tap into the positive energy.

Allow it to help propel you forward.

To place one foot in front of the other,

On your journey  of life.

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Kind Regards and

         feeling grateful for a new day – K

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Photography of the tree trunk, flowers and the neighbor’s dog- 

Compliments of The BlackWallblog.

Casual
Satisfaction

The Bacon Journey

July 1st, WOWSER!!

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A Lady Slipper, found at White Rock National Park, VT. A rare find.

In my head,  excerpts from a CHICAGO song swirls

"Saturday, in the park, 

I think it was the 4th of July....

People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Everybody is another
Can you dig it (yes, I can) 
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday..."

 

So much has transpired since LGB’s diagnosis

of late stage 2 esophagus cancer on March 24, 2017.

Great news!

His numbers are excellent,

they have discontinued chemo.

 

He has lost his voice and it may or may not come back.

 

He adapted and his Smartphone does the talking.

Have you ever thought what it might be like to pull up to your

favorite Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and NOT been able to give

your order?

Well his phone states his daily order for a Turbo shot iced coffee:

PROBLEM SOLVED. 

 

He has one more day of neck radiation.

Two weeks after that a Pet Scan.

If that is good, he is FREE.

Free to roam his beloved woods,

he and his camera can once

again become one.

 

WOO HOO!

 

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White Rock National Park, VT May 2017

FREE

Me, I have been attempting to survive while riding an emotional roller-

coaster.

It is difficult to watch your best friend in pain.

His neck is severely burned and I have done my best to be there for him.

When he let’s me. 

I gave him my all. 

I made a promise to myself to hold his hand while he made the Bacon journey.

 Aptly named due to the crispiness of what radiation treatment does to you.

Besides it adds a touch of humor. “Does anyone smell bacon?”

Oh it’s just LGB…

Okay, so we are a sick group of individuals, but who cares,

it kept us all chuckling!

theres a hole in my bucket
There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza.. lol

LGB and I have been on a tumultuous journey much longer than

the Bacon journey. 

 

The realization that I have been just a passenger along for the ride in his life,

not just for this particular journey, but for the last two years has hit hard.

 

TRUTH- He has proved, though he states he loves me,

that I am only allowed to be a small part of that life.

He made so many promises, they were good intentions.

They wound up being broken promises. 

 

I knew deep in my heart, he was in love with the concept of me.

He liked knowing I was there.

And at one time, I loved him with all my heart.

For me, this is the last leg of his and my life trip together.

 

Sad, yet such a relief to jump off that emotional roller coaster.

 

I need to implement Self-care.

There have been warning signs; panic attacks, night mares,

constant fatigue, etc…

I have been ignoring myself and that is NOT okay. 

A difficult decision.

My mental and physical health

take precedence.

 

Being grateful:

 I am so fortunate to carry forward fabulous memories.

As I travel down my life path… 

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Who know’s what new adventure

may be just around the corner.

 

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Kind Regards and thinking of my best friend -K

 

 

Passenger
Delta

Mother’s Day 2017

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Along with a lovely top,  the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤

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The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.

Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence? 

My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.

My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.

Top Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants you to Know  (link)

These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war,  he has not been a part of my life.  His choosing not mine.

“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes.  Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”

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This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016.  My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤

For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why? 


That’s an easy question to answer:

“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”

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Happy Mother’s Day to all!!  

       I hope you have a glorious day!

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Kind Regards and feeling grateful

                       for all the universe provides – K

…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️

Final

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

Just Two Tiny Berries…

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Saturday…

I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a

mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.

Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.

From past experience, I didn’t fight,back,  it was just what I needed.

It gave me, “ME” time.

No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.

The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.

A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.

I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days. 

Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.

Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!! 

Good-Morning-Dont-Start-Your-Day

 

Then….

In the wee hours of Saturday morning,

I brewed that coffee I like.

Walked outside, temp  about 32. 

Oh! how the birds were singing

Their early morning songs

No cawing of ugliness or discontent

Just sweet intertwined melodies.

A possibility of a sunny day

Was teasing me

As the cloudless sky was showing

it’s extra brightness

Right where a sunrise could be.

Something pushed me towards 

My fall leaf filled flower garden,

I reached for this season’s

Yet untouched lawn rake 

And swiped some leaves away.

Below, that crispy crinkle brown, 

The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.

I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.

A few more strokes and there it was

One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of  HOPE!!

Shiny vibrant  green  leaves,

With just two, Christmas red holly berries.

The color even more enhanced

With last year’s  oak brown backdrop.

I knew it was the sign

Nature wanted me to find.

An Easter gift just for me.

For so many times

When I have stumbled,

Mother Earth seemed to know

Just exactly what I needed.

As in the past

My soul was renewed,

Clear, wide open

To let in – those endless

Positive insights

Of my life’s possibilities.

unnamed

to enjoy
soul happty

 

  Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K

 

Photography of my berry find by LGB

aka: Bgage on ViewBug.

 

 

 

Timely
Surprise

An Eye Opener

my natural heart from bri

 

Two years together

And what is there to show?

Of the love we’ve shared,

Of precious time spent?

We’ve chattered, laughed,

Giggled with silliness,

Down well traveled roads,

Together.

Think of all we’ve done,

Accomplished and over come.

 

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Today, marked the start

Of a new journey

We’ve never yet explored.

After one and half weeks of tests,

Yes, today 

We received the news,

A confirmed reservation,

LGB is late in Stage 2.

It hit’s me

Circumstances have dictated

Tho I’m the professed

Love of his life,

I’ve remained,

The girl in the shadows.

sHADOW SELFIES OF LGB AND I AT DAMN TO HAVE CAPTIONED #2

How going forward,

Do I help him

Win this battle?

What role do I play,

As a warrior in this fight?

Only by a forward step

Into that bright sun-light

Can I truly be his partner,

To crusade and lobby,

Grow the strongest army.

As we enter into war

Against this new found plight.

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Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….

 

#winning

 

Kind Regards – K and LGB

aka BGage on Viewbug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo challenge Security

Word press word prompt Outlier

As I Reveal Myself

 

I can say I never talk politics, until now.

It shall be extremely brief.

Honestly, as of today I am embarrassed to be an American.

Freedom of speech is such a wonderful privilege, my heart and mind

are unable to fathom how violence portrays anything

other than ignorance and a lack of respect for each other.

Enough said…

As has long been my quest,

I reached for the positive.

Once again, Zen to Zany along with a few

items I have tucked away bring me back

to where I belong.

Right here, right now.

 

My America The Beautiful – The Charlie Daniels Band

Mouse Love Heart And White Background

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Kind Regards – K

Exposure

Celebrate- YOU!

HAVE A SILLY DAY!

 

Perhaps, today’s a good day

To relax, revel in your own joy 

Of the now,

YES!

HERE!

Just where you are at.

 

Take a sanity break

‘Cuz, continuously

Running round in circles

Makes ya dizzy

And what’s the use of that?

 

Breathe deeply and enjoy

Sit back, and take a load off.

Celebrate your success,

For all that you have done

You put forth the grandest effort,

NOW!

LOOK AT!

How far that you have come!

 

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Kind Regards and celebrating “our” existence- K

 

Retreat

Remember all…

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Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

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Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

Simple survive the Holiday hints…

Tis that time of year… The Holidays = LOTS OF STRESS.

Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday

without too many cuts and bruises… 🙂

Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts

to show you how to EASE your stress-filled mind… ❤

 

watch-lwss-do-more
be-ourselvesthe-2nd-is-chocolate

falalalala-yourself

 

Be kind to yourself!!

 

Kind Regards – K

Liminal

Thankfulness Week # 11

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Hello ol' friends, it's been awhile

Hard to believe 

That once again it has come

Another snow fall, this winter's first 

Yes, again it did appear

So gentle and so pure 

It covered Fall's browned leaves 

With tiny petite white fluff.

Our favorite magical time of year,

Yes, it would have been more dear

If the ones who knew me best

Could have stood along beside me

Though in my heart and mind

They forever will be near.

Ahh yes, the Holiday’s are once again upon us.

How many times have we read the words?

Through our lives, so many people, friends and family

have joined us in our traditional celebrations.

And the years go by….

You wake up one day, with only beautiful memories

of those that have now passed.

How do you handle it?

Well you know what I am going to say,

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS UP TO YOU!

As for me, I raise my glass of wine in celebration!

How blessed I am to have such glorious memories to cherish.

“Here’s to the good ol’ days, to the present I am here to enjoy

and to the future of grand things to come!”

Kind Regards and feeling thankful – K

Haddons ALL NEW WRITER’S QUOTE CHALLENGE

Elicit
Chaotic

52 Weeks Of Thankfulness #6

I am thankful for the 4 seasons in New England. 

Having had the wonderful opportunity to have lived in Oregon and

Arizona, though I embraced their unique beauty,

My heart  still belongs to New England.

Fall is my favorite,

Spring comes second

and Winter and Summer tie for 3rd.

 

**Shared via  pics of our New England backyard 

along with a couple of Zen to Zany’s

thought provoking prints…

 

**Pictures are compliments of L.G.B –

aka: “Mr October” in the 2017 AGCO Calendar.

 Check it out if you have a chance.

Sorry, it’s his prize winning photo, not him in his Speedo… smirk.

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16-2

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Keep moving forward one step at a time…. 

 

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Kind Regards and feeling ghoulishly thankful- K

 

HADDON MUSINGS

WordPress – Local

 

6 mos Later, I’m Still Free!    (2 min read)

Join me in my quest for 

MORE “One of the Lucky Ones!”

It’s been six months since I posted

  Rant and rave on The Unwanted Visitor!

I’m still C-diff free! 

How did I do it? 

I ate 1 avocado a day and

Drank Kevita probiotic drink

(Switched to Karma Vitamin water with probiotics in the cap 2 mos ago)
Along with eating, 🍹ing or taking the following-

Standard process Promaline Iodine & Okra pepsin E3 

Fish oil supplement

Turmeric sprinkled on my Crohns and colitis diet

Yogurt daily  (No other dairy)

1 Banana per day

Fermented foods (dill pickles or sauerkraut work well)

No red meat ( still none yet 😒)

Limited pork

Almond milk

Blueberries 

Fruit smoothie made with banana, blueberries and applesauce  with a squirt of lemon ( now 3 times per week instead of everyday)

Coconut water not made from concentrate in tap water

Nature’s Bounty probiotic at dinner time.  

Cayenne pepper sprinkled on most anything.

Seeped green tea, echinacea, marshmallow root and stevia herbs. ( I also add ginkgo)

Ginger in or on anything you like.

I keep a prescription of dicyclomine 20 mg on hand in case of Colon spasms.

Start with a short walk each day and increase distance as your body will allow. If you feel pulling in you abdominal area shorten it, then increase again in a week or two.

**For more in depth information read my Rant and rave on The Unwanted Visitor post!**

** Most important is the PROBIOTICS and the AVOCADO! **

Go!!

Health be with you!!

Keep me posted and share! share! share!!


Kind Regards and feeling thankful, grateful and thinking of you -K

  Copyrighted and owned by K at the Black Wall Blog! No posts may be professionally published without written permission.

One of the Lucky…

As I was laying in the ER the other day getting a bag of fluids due to some gastro-something virus thing I caught at work. My blood work results returned and a very relieved PA said to me “You know you’re one of the lucky ones.”

“One of the lucky ones. One of the lucky ones.”  Those 5 words  have swirled round and round in  my head for the last 24  hours. 

That statement made me glad AND sad. 

1) Due to back to back bouts of c-diff earlier this year I can no longer take anti- biotics. One of those “helpful” lil’ buggers caused my c- diff!  

But that’s not why I”m saddened by “being one of the lucky ones.”

2) I lost my job and almost everything I own due to that terrible super bug .

But that’s not why I”m saddened by “being one of the lucky ones.”

3)  The  fact that less than 80% of people are cured by the C-diff drugs doctors prescribe, (including me).

 THAT makes me sad! 

The fact that I spent numerous days researching alternatives, digging into studies, reading blogs and comments, digging, praying only to sleep a few hours and start again making notes, trying this, trying that until FINALLY! I started feeling better .

 I’m proud I did it 

Unfortunately the regular doctors and primary care physicians aren’t mentiong any of these alternatives.

The pharmaceutical companies are going to fight, probably already are against the answers, the discoveries of what is working ! THAT makes me SAD AND MAD!! 

I want MORE lucky ones! 
I wrote about C-diff and my trials in my post The Unwanted visitor! I didn’t know if it was truly going to work then. 

NOW I know, IT DID!

In my next  post I will reiterate in a quick 3 minute(ish) read what to try!  AND NOT one of those disgusting sounding turmeric enemas IS part of it! Ewwwww!

 I shiver,quiver and feel gross just thinking about it. I apologize to those getting by on that method. But ugh!

One, stipulation if you try what I did. Keep me posted on your progress. Comment comment comment! 

THEN PAY IT FORWARD!  

Spread the word!

SHARE and be a part of my quest for MORE “ONE OF THE  LUCKY ONES!”

Kind Regards 

and often long winded-K

All contents of this post is copyrighted by K at The Black Wall Blog. It cannot be professionally published without written consent.

52 Weeks Of Thankfulness #5

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I am thankful for God and the Universe for showing me kindness from strangers that I had no idea existed.  There are  people that care and see those things you try to hide from the outside world. I call them angels on earth.

I am so thankful for those friends old and new that have been by my side since February. They have helped me thru some rough times, never did they falter. They caught me off guard as they just showed up.   Sometimes, you don’t have to ask for help, a higher power does it for you.

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I am thankful for the lesson, that starts with that “H” word. There may come a moment when you have no other choice. And that is okay.  Having an illness that had my body literally starving itself left me weak and often unable to get out of bed for days at a time.  I was scared. I picked up the phone. It was difficult. I did it!

 

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I am thankful for my faithful companions! They are full of love that never fails.

I am thankful that I found the strength to start the path to rebuild my muscle tone and the inner determination that I was NOT going to lose the fight.

I am thankful that, NOW, I have a chance to pay  their kindness forward.

 

I am thankful for the blogging world that kept me sane.

(Okay! You got me on that one, almost sane!)  “GRINNING!”

 

Let it all sound sappy to some.

I’ll walk a mile in their shoes if they would care to walk a  mile in mine!

(One condition: They get to go back to February, March and April and try it!)

Insert- “SNICKER and EVIL chuckle with a wink!”-here.  😉

 

Sing it with me now!!

James Taylor “You’ve got a Friend”

 

…If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow,
keep your head together and call my name out loud.
Soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there.

 

#WINNING!!

 

Kind Regards and feeling beyond grateful, thankful and blessed – K

HADDON MUSINGS