Drowning in Plain Sight

Drowning in plain sight.

I read an article recently where a woman used this phrase to express how she felt during her battle with depression.

Drowning in plain sight.

Wow, I thought to myself. What a powerful statement. What an accurate statement.

Walking into work the other morning I was suffocated by my own anxiety. My chest was tight. My breath was quick. My mind… racing. My throat… restricted.

There it was… my anxiety. Drowning me… in plain sight.

I walk past my coworkers on the way to my desk. “Good Morning!” I say as I toss a “genuine” smile in their direction. I do my best not to look anyone directly in the eye and walk hurriedly as though I’m late to be somewhere. No one thinks anything of it. They think everything is fine. (This is a skill I have perfected over the years.)

Little did they know… I’m drowning…

As I sit down at my desk the restriction around my neck tightens. I’m trying to breathe… “just keep breathing” I tell myself. Find something to occupy your mind…

Drowning in plain sight.

Then I start to think to myself. Where is the life saver, the raft, the arm floaties?

In these moments there is a choice. I can choose to let this feeling control me or I can learn to control the emotion. How does one stop treading water and learn to swim during these times? (Or at least do the doggy paddle!)

Fast forward on this day… I survived! I stayed the entire work day. I didn’t go home. I didn’t implode, or explode and no one around me ever knew what happened.

I chose to find a floatation device and hang on.

(To be clear, it was not easy and I was exhausted. But I moved forward. Slowly, but surely, I came out victorious!)

So, what did I do?

I reached into my “tool kit” and found the flotation device I had stored there just for this occasion. (Like these occasions are actually planned! HA!)

First thing I realized was that I didn’t have to do this alone. I sent a text to my counselor to let her know I was drowning and was in need of extra ideas.

Secondly, I talked through what was going on with my best friend. (I find at times if you speak the emotions out loud it will release their power! Writing the emotions out has the same effect!)

Next, I snuck off to the handicap stall in the bathroom and cried. That’s right, just let myself feel the wave! I listened to my mind and my body, I found appreciation for why it was sending me these warning signs. (I have learned that these moments exist to warn us of something. Our bodies have a message for us. Sometimes I simply ask myself… What do you want me to know? You’ll be surprised what you may learn. I always take a moment to say thank you. I appreciate the warning, as the warning is there as a means of protection!)

At the suggestion of my counselor, I talked myself through an exercise: As you breathe identify 5 things you see; 4 things you hear; 3 things you smell; 2 things you taste; 1 positive thing you feel.. (This forced my anxious thoughts to slow down. My breath became calm and more grounded.)

Then finally, I wrote down gratitudes. I wrote down positive affirmations. I wrote down statements about myself that are true. (Did you know your brain cannot feel two emotions at one time? Focusing on what you love, believe, and that which makes you happy forces your brain to shift in that direction.) This exercise pulled the plug on the pool. The Tide turned. I suddenly felt myself find clarity and the anxiety lifted.

There I was. Exhausted… but standing with my head above water. I survived.

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My hope is that by sharing this story it will help you find strength and hope. Maybe one of the tools shared here will be something you’ve been looking to add to your emergency kit. Every day is a new day, another opportunity to witness yourself come out victorious. Every step is a step forward. Tiny victories are still victories!

Much love,¬†Super Snail ūüźĆ

Tide

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One step back

Fret! Fret! Fret!

Imagined the worst!

Worried!

Uptight!

Paced!

Couldn’t eat!

Couldn’t sleep!

Shoulders met my earlobes!

Doubt!

Felt Insecure!

Overly sensitive!

All because

I misread

The situation!

Why?

An old habit!

I thought I’d overcome.

I’m a banana head!

Now?

Chalk it up!

Let it go!

Laugh it off!

Look in the mirror!

Make a silly face!

Give myself the raspberry!

****

Often I seem to mirror

New England weather,

Yesterday

windows open

After work

I raked!

Some lawn had appeared!

Today,

It snowed!

Mother Nature dear

What ARE you up to?

Let it go!

Laugh it off!

Go look in the mirror,

Make a funny face!

Give yourself a raspberry!

Stop being a banana head!

Ha!

****

Remember:

****

#Winning!

Kind Regards and chuckling -K

Photography compliments and copyrighted by BGage and K at TheBlackWallBlog.

Thwart

So Long My Sweet

Through two generations

Of dogs you’ve trained.

And seeing the kids go from

High school to college and

Off to war and back.

You held out your paw

To reassure.

Hey mom,

No worries,

I’ve got your back.

Almost 20 years

We road life’s waves,

And I knew that you

Would let me know

Whence you were tired

And needed to go.

That you did

My sweet purring babe.

As promised

I took you for

Your last earthly ride.

I held you close

And sang our songs,

Whispered Praises

In your ear.

I love you always

See you soon.

Give hugs to all

At the Rainbow’s Bridge,

My sweet Celina,

So precious and dear

Run free and

Feel ¬†after life’s glow.

For all the times

You stood by me

I can’t be selfish

And keep you here,

That wasn’t part of

Our original deal.

One last kiss, last breath

And off you go.

For now

The ache in my heart

Will overflow,

But later on

When it’s my time to go,

All of you

That have gone before,

Will gather together

and  we shall celebrate.

For the love in a mother’s heart

Is a promise, eternally pure.

 

 

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Kind Regards and missing my gal – K

 

Celina RIP 2/9/2018

Tend

TGIFriday 12/29/2017

Heading home

Friday at four

Three day weekend

Looms ahead.

Work weeks done

Feeling half dead

And what wondrous

Sights do I see?

A whole lot of souls

Heading home

Just like me.

Today a surprise

The skies all ablaze

It catches my eye

A whole week

Of stress

Vanished,

Without a

Goodbye.

Though it’s only

A short commute

I’m thankful

I’m grateful

As I snap

A few clicks

As I drive

My familiar

Yet today,

Gloriously unique

Daily Commute.

‚̧ԳŹ

Kind Regards and wishing everyone a safe and Happy New Year weekend – K

ūüćĺūü•ā

Photography compliments and copyrighted by K of TheBlackWallBlog 12/29/2017

2017 FavoritesCommunal

Wishing You the Best Day!

I’m Singing –

“Every morning I wake up… I say a little prayer for you.”

soul happty

That moment you awake, 

Swirling ’bout your mind

A random  upbeat song,

Somehow sparkles

From some memory 

You dreamt,

While you were deep in sleep,

You head  to start the coffee

Barefoot,

Doing a hallway boogie

While,

Your soul overflows with tune.

Feeling jovial and  free.

Pondering only  a moment

 I wonder

 A Morning starting  with music,

What else can be this sweet?

Dionne Warwick- Click here

Wouldn’t it be¬† fabulous if we could find a way to hang onto that morning musical feeling¬†all day!!

Music really does seem to elevate our positive mind!

It helps me to block out the toxic environment around me, whether it  be  a person  or

just the negativity of the atmosphere.

If you are able, try to find a way to include music through out your  day.

Sing a little ditty, find some headphones and play it at your desk or in  your office.

Go for a drive at lunchtime¬† and ‘CRANK THOSE TUNES”!

Kind Regards and singing – K

Particular

What Defines You.

Her childhood was terrible.

At the age of 18

she made the decision

that she would rise above

Anything negative that her parents

could have said or done.

Her thoughts and actions were

her own responsibility.

Her parents could  not change their past.

But,

she had the power to change her own future.

And  did.

 

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So live your life the best you can

Pay it forward,  love unconditionally.

Remember, people are people.

The only person you have control over

is yourself.

 

Today is the perfect day to

start molding and finding

the path that  helps you to become

the greatest, most beautiful

version of yourself.

 

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Options

Just because you have had tragedy in your  life

It does not  have define who  you are.

Almost  everyone has had to deal

with something that rocks their world.

Your  choice?

Allow  it to make you bitter,

play the blame game

Or

Go through the  grieving  process

And move  beyond it.

It is our reaction to what happens to us

that helps  define  our character.

People experience terrible losses.

As  they go through

the  grieving process,

they have to experience

and feel all the steps it takes to heal.

But

Feeling anguish, sadness and lost

does not give them permission

to be  unkind to others.

The past  is the past

I have yet to find  anyone who has been

able  to go backwards and redo

what has already happened.

No  one should be held accountable

for days gone by

when they were learning

the dos and don’ts

and  truly believed they

were doing their best.

The  only thing in our control

is ourselves.

What can we do?

Each day strive on being a little  bit

better than the day prior.

 

#winning

 

 

 

 

Kind Regards and many warm hugs – K

 

 

Photography compliments and copyrighted by THEBLACKWALLBLOG – 2017

Atmospheric

HOORAY for GROUPS 7, 8 and 9!

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Early morning, up with the roosters!

ūüõę ¬† ¬† ¬†ūüõ©. ¬† ¬† ūüõ¨

I love to fly.

Times sure  have changed since the 80s, 90s or even 10 years ago.

C9EDF75B-623F-4F0B-A789-B19A3ED99F6C What is going on with some of  these airlines?

Yes, I understand budget cuts, and that economical changes needed to¬† be implemented¬†“LEAN‚ÄĚ, ¬†multi-tasking personnel- etc etc.

What HIGH PAID CFO/CEO BRAINSTORMED – load by THE GROUP METHOD?

Breaking into small  groups IS an excellent idea.

The fact they have found a way to utilize it to nickel and dime a person, abhors me.

(These days nickels and dimes are equivalent to  $25 Р$100+).

If you want “the privilege” to board earlier than the rest, (NOT First class), you can pay $39 or more to get on the plane with the first, second, third or fourth group. This guarantees that you will not be part of¬† the lowly¬† groups 6, 7, 8 or 9!

Due to this  option, the latter groups,  board and trip, excuse themselves and finally sit amongst the people already settled in, (supposedly),  our  seat assignments are no different.

I bought MY ticket 2 1/2 months in advance, shouldn’t I get a bonus for planning ahead?(smile)

To check a bag it’s 25 dollars, that’s okay until you get to the gate and they make the announcement,¬† “It’s a full¬† flight” (lately, it always is), anyone who¬† wants to volunteer to check your luggage, please come to the podium, it well be complimentary” – aka FREE!

Really? (I hear the guy behind me growling, because he checked his bag in before he arrived at the  gate).

I see it every time I fly.

NEXT I contain my groan as the flight starts descending, after 2 hours of  playing my sardine role,

THE ANNOUNCEMENT ¬†comes over the speaker, about signing¬† up for THE¬†¬†credit card. “Earn free 60k miles, simply -PAY THE ANNUAL FEE- ¬†to earn those first free miles, start accumulating new AND for special privileges¬† like – YOU GUESSED IT-¬† being one of the first to board!

My thoughts?   BITE ME!

Ha! ha!

Personally, I believe it should be people that need a little extra help first, any member of  the military,  then everyone should board based on their seat assignment,  starting from  the back and working  forwards.

OH wait, that makes sense….

BUT, HOW can you make those extra nickels on that??

Can someone tell me what happened¬† to “THE FRIENDLY” skies?

Going forward, wouldn’t it¬† be great if we all pulled together,

SAVED OUR NICKELS AND DIMES, and  boarded with Group 7, 8 and 9.

Before we know it, 7, 8 and 9, might become 1, 2 AND 3!!!

The best part of my trip?

C315FAE1-0873-4619-A83B-ED6E0140C2E6 Seeing the little munchkin, that’s looking up at me from my left.

‚̧ԳŹ

Kind Regards and saving my nickels  РK

0A45A734-FC13-458E-A670-A0990FBF6F01 Photos compliments of K and

TheBlackWallBlog -copyright  2017

Dubious

Friday the 13th Myth Or Mindset?

Each day is what we believe

It to be.

Friday the 13th

In my mind

Is a good luck day!
Find that positive.

Black cats are beautiful!

I will admit,

After I have spilled some,

I still throw salt over my

Shoulder!

ūüéÉūüėąūüéÉ

Join me in my journey

Of viewing the muted colors of

Fall 2017 in Vermont!

I didn’t see any

Bad Luck.

Did you?

Fraud

Elemental

Kind Regards from  VT РK

 


Photography copyrighted

and compliments

Of TheBlackwallBlog 10/2017.

Daily and Family Traditions

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Good morning!

They” say breakfast is the most important meal of day.

I add, start your day with a ritual that allows you a positive mindset.

My daily ritual:

Each morning, I awake, flipping open the covers as I exclaim to the dogs

“Time to make the doughnuts!” – they understand, ¬†time

to get up, go out, pee, then their REWARD- A TREAT!

Happy tails. ¬†ūüôā

Next, I make coffee, grab my pen, flip to a fresh page in my journal.

First, I write the current date, then add  +$49,000, +$477,111 plus at the very top of the page.

(A little something, I learned, listening to “The secret”.)

Next I scrawl, “May health, wealth, inner peace, self-assuredness, ¬†love, friendship, companionship, happiness, security, comfort, contentment, ¬†along with abundance and success embrace me and those I love, like a warm hug.”

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Next- Written next ¬†is the single word “EXCELLENT!”

No matter what mood I am in when I first open my eyes, that is how I start the day.

I scribble:

A brief overview via bits and pieces of what happened yesterday, what I accomplished, ¬†what may have caused stress to release it….. ta ta!

My day has officially begun!

Today is a bit different, my youngest granddaughter and I had a slumber party last night,

This allowed mommy and daddy to have a date night.

It’s little girl hugs, (cannot get enough) coffee, making a bowl of lucky charms and ¬†heading out to the front porch with my daughters lap top.

Fresh air,  peepers singing  in the background and the glow of the laptop screen.

 

 As soon as my  daughter comes downstairs a competition is planned.

Breakfast BOGGLE! To date, I am the champ. My brain is fresh this time of day.

Will I hang onto my title? Let the game begin!!

Boggle has been a part of  my life since I was young, I in turn taught it to my children.

No one has any idea how many hours we joyously, with pencils and paper ready- have flipped that little box of random letters over, started the timer and frantically scribbled every word we could find.  Laughter, silliness, giggles, a family at play.

No cell phones, no tv – just human interaction. Good ¬†ol’ fashioned fun! Bonding.

This is how we make memories.

 

In a few hours, Ill be back on a plane to NH. (tearful  good byes, yet so blessed we had the time together.)

FAMILY. TRADITIONS. COMING TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

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When was the last time you played games with your  family or friends?

 

Webster’s definition:

Definition of synchronize

  1. :  to happen at the same time

 

 

Have a glorious  Saturday! I will be thinking of you.

 

Kind Regards and all my love – K

 

Thank you Zen to Zany for your wonderful quotes and pics-  find her on Etsy .

 

 

Synchronize

Not Visiting Dale…

Good morning, from Mooresville, North Carolina!

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My Head in the Clouds on American Airlines – Aug 2017

 

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Starting  the descent for Charlotte Douglas International Airport РAug 2017

(Note: I did not bring my camera,  just my older Iphone

I shall apologize for the quality of the photography in advance.)

 

NASCAR COUNTRY!

 

Alas, I am not here to visit Dale, Jr.  Though my daughter has met him.

She says he is just a good ol’ country boy, very down to earth.

I was  sad to hear about his retirement, he will be missed!

 

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Driving from Charlotte Douglas International Airport.
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Quick shot of Lake Norman as we drive by- A man made Lake.

 

 

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Not sure what they are but they line the roads… so pretty!
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Planes fly overhead as we continue to our destination.

Time flies by.

Hard to fathom,  it is just one month short of  year since my last visit.

FaceTime dinner with my granddaughter/daughter and her fiance’ has been the upside of modern technology!

My 3 1/2 year old granddaughter said  to me just last week,

“G’ma, when are you going to visit ¬†me?”

To which I replied, ” I ¬†will have to ask Santa, after all he ¬†is a clever fellow.

Perhaps he can help ¬†answer your question.”

That appeased her and off we went onto making silly faces and her  showing

me the latest  tricks of dancing, twirls, favorite colors and counting to 20 and above.

 

Actually my ticket was purchased  and I would be there to  surprise  her within 5 days.

I felt giddy with excitement.

Sadly, at that moment, I realized,  there was no recent memory of such a rush of  adrenaline  or  that same excitement that sparked my brain, caused my heart to sing.

 

Being a serious  adult had gone on way too long.

 

 

Embrace the priceless  moments.

speedy princess
A princess running faster than the wind!

See the beauty in the side yard!

 

 

 

 

 

“Play is the highest form of Research” – Albert Einstein

 

‚ÄúThe creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct.‚ÄĚ ‚Äď Carl Jung

 

‚ÄúWe don‚Äôt stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.‚ÄĚ ‚Äď George Bernard Shaw

 

 

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Kind Regards and feeling open to all the  world has to offer. РK

 

Ooze

Ooh, Shiny!

Keep On Rolling…

I’ll admit it. It’s been a rough few weeks.

I haven’t been able to write.

No feelings of creativity or inspiration.

I’ve focused on survival,

It was all I could muster.

As I planted a smile on my face

and went to work each day.

Perhaps I was letting go,

Working on accepting what is.

Grief can come in all forms.

I haven’t seen or ever felt

there was a perfectly defined 

set of rules,

for how you make it 

through.

While watching some Hulu last night

Along came a song…¬†

Exactly what I needed, 

not that I knew what I needed.

But…

My mind, feet and soul  started to dance.

Whatever  was going on,

I am here now.

Happy Saturday to you!

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REO SPEEDWAGON sang it loud and so did/do I.  

“So if you’re tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah…”

That song, produces pictures of

a time of my life filled with glorious memories…

I heard it last night and discovered

it STILL delivers a special message, meaning

and triggers a quickened heart beat.

(August 4, 2017)

It sparks a fire in my soul!

(Originally released in 1978!)

Yikes!!

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Unbelievable!  Or is it?

I have said it before and you will surely hear,

or read it from me again.

It’s the seemingly simple things in life,

that appear and help get you through.

No matter where you are,

Lounging on the couch,

Driving down the road…

Life,  inspires you, 

If you allow yourself to be open to suggestion.

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Whether it be the infectious giggling of a child 

in the grocery line behind you.

 A new or old favorite song on the radio.

An unexpected happy ending of a movie,

A call from an old friend,

A sweet bird singing in the branches 

Outside your window, 

Or a neighborhood dog that suddenly appears

Just to say hello.

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If it creates a spark of hope,

Quickens your heart rate,

Makes you feel good,

Grab onto it, embrace it!

Tap into the positive energy.

Allow it to help propel you forward.

To place one foot in front of the other,

On your journey  of life.

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Kind Regards and

         feeling grateful for a new day РK

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Photography of the tree trunk, flowers and the neighbor’s dog-¬†

Compliments of The BlackWallblog.

Casual
Satisfaction

The Bacon Journey

July 1st, WOWSER!!

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A Lady Slipper, found at White Rock National Park, VT. A rare find.

In my head,  excerpts from a CHICAGO song swirls

"Saturday, in the park, 

I think it was the 4th of July....

People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Everybody is another
Can you dig it (yes, I can) 
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday..."

 

So much has transpired since LGB’s diagnosis

of late stage 2 esophagus cancer on March 24, 2017.

Great news!

His numbers are excellent,

they have discontinued chemo.

 

He has lost his voice and it may or may not come back.

 

He adapted and his Smartphone does the talking.

Have you ever thought what it might be like to pull up to your

favorite Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and NOT been able to give

your order?

Well his phone states his daily order for a Turbo shot iced coffee:

PROBLEM SOLVED. 

 

He has one more day of neck radiation.

Two weeks after that a Pet Scan.

If that is good, he is FREE.

Free to roam his beloved woods,

he and his camera can once

again become one.

 

WOO HOO!

 

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White Rock National Park, VT May 2017

FREE

Me, I have been attempting to survive while riding an emotional roller-

coaster.

It is difficult to watch your best friend in pain.

His neck is severely burned and I have done my best to be there for him.

When he let’s me.¬†

I gave him my all. 

I made a promise to myself to hold his hand while he made the Bacon journey.

 Aptly named due to the crispiness of what radiation treatment does to you.

Besides it adds a touch of humor. “Does anyone smell bacon?”

Oh it’s just LGB…

Okay, so we are a sick group of individuals, but who cares,

it kept us all chuckling!

theres a hole in my bucket
There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza.. lol

LGB and I have been on a tumultuous journey much longer than

the Bacon journey. 

 

The realization that I have been just a passenger along for the ride in his life,

not just for this particular journey, but for the last two years has hit hard.

 

TRUTH- He has proved, though he states he loves me,

that I am only allowed to be a small part of that life.

He made so many promises, they were good intentions.

They wound up being broken promises. 

 

I knew deep in my heart, he was in love with the concept of me.

He liked knowing I was there.

And at one time, I loved him with all my heart.

For me, this is the last leg of his and my life trip together.

 

Sad, yet such a relief to jump off that emotional roller coaster.

 

I need to implement Self-care.

There have been warning signs; panic attacks, night mares,

constant fatigue, etc…

I have been ignoring myself and that is NOT okay. 

A difficult decision.

My mental and physical health

take precedence.

 

Being grateful:

 I am so fortunate to carry forward fabulous memories.

As I travel down my life path…¬†

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Who know’s what new adventure

may be just around the corner.

 

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Kind Regards and thinking of my best friend -K

 

 

Passenger
Delta

Mother’s Day 2017

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Along with a lovely top, ¬†the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list¬†of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ‚̧

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The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.

Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence? 

My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.

My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.

Top Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants you to Know  (link)

These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war,  he has not been a part of my life.  His choosing not mine.

“8. He may believe that he‚Äôs the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn‚Äôt want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don‚Äôt understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt. ¬†He needs you¬†also to realize that his issues really aren‚Äôt about you, although you may step in them sometimes. ¬†Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”

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This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016. ¬†My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ‚̧

For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why? 


That’s an easy question to answer:

“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”

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Happy Mother’s Day to all!! ¬†

       I hope you have a glorious day!

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Kind Regards and feeling grateful

                       for all the universe provides РK

…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ‚̧ԳŹūüĆ∑‚̧ԳŹ

Final