Mother’s Day 2017

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Along with a lovely top,  the above is an award I received from my daughter in a beautiful card filled with a list of how I have inspired her to become the woman she is today. I am lucky, blessed and beyond grateful. ❤

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The flip side, 2:30 am, Friday night, Saturday morning insomnia struck again.

Sitting in my kitchen, Mr Coffee gurgling my morning brew, little Abby lying at my feet, as I scribble in my journal. What is it they say about people with terrible penmanship? Their minds think faster than their hand can write? Perhaps, it is a sign of intelligence? 

My daughter is extremely bright and she has flowing calligraphy handwriting. My father’s, perfect little letters, were like newspaper print. Alas, my son and I have the doctor’s signature scrawl. Perhaps we missed our calling.

My son, God, how I miss him. A memory popped up on Facebook yesterday, something he shared a few years ago. It’s a veterans post that pokes at the giant hole in my heart.

Top Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants you to Know  (link)

These hit the hardest, yet somehow help me find comfort, since he returned from war,  he has not been a part of my life.  His choosing not mine.

“8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you,that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes.  Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.”

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This will be the 7th Mother’s Day I have not heard from him. I did get my first Christmas card December 2016.  My heart felt the dawning of a new day. ❤

For seven years, I continue to watch out the picture window waiting for him to pull into the driveway. Why? 


That’s an easy question to answer:

“A mother’s love is forever. A mom never ever gives up!”

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Happy Mother’s Day to all!!  

       I hope you have a glorious day!

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Kind Regards and feeling grateful

                       for all the universe provides – K

…and then that special text pops up on your phone! ❤️🌷❤️

Final

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

It’s Okay, Not To Have Hold of the Reins!

There are so many things that are not within our control.

Remember, this is okay!

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“You must learn to let go. Release the stress.

You were never in control anyway.”
Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

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“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life.

It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”
Epictetus

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“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control

and know what is coming.

You don’t – surrender to events with hope.”
Alain de Botton

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“We live in a world that is beyond our control,

and life is in a constant flux of change.

So we have a decision to make:

keep trying to control a storm that is not going to go away

or start learning how to live within the rain.”
Glenn Pemberton, Hurting with God

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“Always try to be joyful and proactively benign to the people.
By doing so everyday, people have no control at all over my mood.”

Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident: Insiden Bait Al-Jauza

“The best way to navigate through life is to give up all of our controls.”
Gerald G. Jampolsky, Love Is Letting Go of Fear

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“Control is never achieved when sought after directly;

it is the surprising result of letting go.”
James Arthur Ray

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“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”
Craig Ferguson

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And so here we are…. 

All of us together….

Living life as best we can…

One day, one moment, one breath at  a time…

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This post is dedicated to my best friend LGB, bgage- who starts

his fight today with his  first round of radiation. 

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Kind Regards and filled with hope  – K

Photography by LGB

Find him as bgage on Viewbug

Control

Just Two Tiny Berries…

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Saturday…

I took a vacation/mental health day on Friday… It turned into a

mind racing, 36 hour -TV show -marathon.

Adrenaline kept pumping and would not allow me to sleep.

From past experience, I didn’t fight,back,  it was just what I needed.

It gave me, “ME” time.

No pressures! I let the thoughts swirl where they may. It allowed me, deep emotional feelings, flashbacks, moments of doubt, successes, tears. A full mind and body release, cleansing, that came full circle to the realization of all I “do” have and what I’ve accomplished in my life.

The above is not something I would recommend for everyone.

A person can get in that funk and it is not easy to pull yourself out.

I, however knew the signs – K needed one of “those” days. 

Finally, I got some rest, ayup- 8 1/2 hours worth! Dang the ol’ body is sore.

Laying around after being tense and up tight for the 2 weeks- HELLO!! MUSCLES!! 

Good-Morning-Dont-Start-Your-Day

 

Then….

In the wee hours of Saturday morning,

I brewed that coffee I like.

Walked outside, temp  about 32. 

Oh! how the birds were singing

Their early morning songs

No cawing of ugliness or discontent

Just sweet intertwined melodies.

A possibility of a sunny day

Was teasing me

As the cloudless sky was showing

it’s extra brightness

Right where a sunrise could be.

Something pushed me towards 

My fall leaf filled flower garden,

I reached for this season’s

Yet untouched lawn rake 

And swiped some leaves away.

Below, that crispy crinkle brown, 

The sweet aroma of fresh dirt.

I inhaled that tantalizing aroma.

A few more strokes and there it was

One tiny- yet gigantic- sign of  HOPE!!

Shiny vibrant  green  leaves,

With just two, Christmas red holly berries.

The color even more enhanced

With last year’s  oak brown backdrop.

I knew it was the sign

Nature wanted me to find.

An Easter gift just for me.

For so many times

When I have stumbled,

Mother Earth seemed to know

Just exactly what I needed.

As in the past

My soul was renewed,

Clear, wide open

To let in – those endless

Positive insights

Of my life’s possibilities.

unnamed

to enjoy
soul happty

 

  Kind Regards and feeling inner peace – K

 

Photography of my berry find by LGB

aka: Bgage on ViewBug.

 

 

 

Timely
Surprise

An Eye Opener

my natural heart from bri

 

Two years together

And what is there to show?

Of the love we’ve shared,

Of precious time spent?

We’ve chattered, laughed,

Giggled with silliness,

Down well traveled roads,

Together.

Think of all we’ve done,

Accomplished and over come.

 

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Today, marked the start

Of a new journey

We’ve never yet explored.

After one and half weeks of tests,

Yes, today 

We received the news,

A confirmed reservation,

LGB is late in Stage 2.

It hit’s me

Circumstances have dictated

Tho I’m the professed

Love of his life,

I’ve remained,

The girl in the shadows.

sHADOW SELFIES OF LGB AND I AT DAMN TO HAVE CAPTIONED #2

How going forward,

Do I help him

Win this battle?

What role do I play,

As a warrior in this fight?

Only by a forward step

Into that bright sun-light

Can I truly be his partner,

To crusade and lobby,

Grow the strongest army.

As we enter into war

Against this new found plight.

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Positive thoughts and prayers are all we ask….

 

#winning

 

Kind Regards – K and LGB

aka BGage on Viewbug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo challenge Security

Word press word prompt Outlier

We Certainly Can!


March stomped out leaving behind  12 fresh inches of extra heavy packed white snowflakes. While, April Fools Day welcomed me with a case of insomnia and lots of shoveling!

One must love Mother Nature’s sense of humor, particularly if you live in New England.


Tomorrow’s weather looks like 50s and sunny,  by the end of the week we may have gone  from sopping wet mittens and boots to shorts and flip flops!

One would think we would be accustomed to change by now. Who was it that said, “Change is inevitable. It’s a constant, the one thing you can rely on?”


I believe, if we can adapt to rapidly changing weather, we sure can learn to walk any path we choose! Literally,  set our minds to do anything! 


#winning!

Kind Regards and 

                 believing in you – K

 Photography by LGB. Look for him as BGage in Viewbug! 😘

Dense

There’s GOLD in them trees!


New England is known for it’s tree gold.

That amber liquid known as Maple Syrup.

Whether from NH or VT, the battle continues as the old timers and those not so old continue the argument about who’s is better. The argument itself along with the actual act of making it, is  a time honored tradition. I truly believe it’s an ingredient!

A recipe that has been handed down  generation to generation.

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Best story I have heard, came from an ol’ friend. She was driving along a familiar  back country road one day,  came upon a vehicle with “out of state” license plates.

She saw two ladies on the side of the road, picking up leaves from the ground and placing them in a bucket. Feeling inquisitive, she stopped and asked what they were doing.

To which they replied, we are gathering maple leaves to take home and boil, so we can make home made maple syrup.

Oh how we chuckled about that one.

Sorry ladies, that is not how it’s done.

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For those of you who don’t know. Maple syrup comes from “the sap” of maples trees.

A spigot is pounded into the tree, the sap drips into a bucket that is hung on the spigot.

(note: It doesn’t hurt the trees!)

These days, as you can see from these pics, the time consuming driving around from tree to tree emptying of each bucket has been replaced by a more modern way.

Don’t let this simple looking process fool you. It is not a job for wimps!

Muscles, a unwavering amount patience, warm days, cold nights  mixed with friends and family helping is just the start.

Basically, the process is to heat the sap to a boil, to decrease the water  content.

When done accurately, it produces rich golden sweet tongue pleasing syrup.

This is done is  in what we call a  sugar house.

It takes 40 parts maple sap to make 1 part maple syrup (10 gallons sap to make 1 quart syrup). Because of the large quantity of steam generated by boiling sap, it is not recommended to boil indoors.

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Tap my trees- a link on the process

Kind Regards

and happy pancakes – K

Solitude
Craft

As I Reveal Myself

 

I can say I never talk politics, until now.

It shall be extremely brief.

Honestly, as of today I am embarrassed to be an American.

Freedom of speech is such a wonderful privilege, my heart and mind

are unable to fathom how violence portrays anything

other than ignorance and a lack of respect for each other.

Enough said…

As has long been my quest,

I reached for the positive.

Once again, Zen to Zany along with a few

items I have tucked away bring me back

to where I belong.

Right here, right now.

 

My America The Beautiful – The Charlie Daniels Band

Mouse Love Heart And White Background

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Kind Regards – K

Exposure

Resilient Hope

img_5593As I read in Wikipedia.org

about the sweet little birds 

pictured above and below;

 

 

“The black-capped chickadee is a small, nonmigratory,

North American songbird that lives in deciduous and mixed forests.”

 

 

 

It’s “nonmigratory trait”  brought to mind:

 

 

A thought to carry within our hearts

            as we enter into another New Year…

 

“Love’s grandest gift is

Presence, not presents.” – K

 

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Kind Regards and Happy New Year to all – K

 

(Photos copyrighted and compliments of L.G.B.)

 

Resilient

Hopeful

Celebrate- YOU!

HAVE A SILLY DAY!

 

Perhaps, today’s a good day

To relax, revel in your own joy 

Of the now,

YES!

HERE!

Just where you are at.

 

Take a sanity break

‘Cuz, continuously

Running round in circles

Makes ya dizzy

And what’s the use of that?

 

Breathe deeply and enjoy

Sit back, and take a load off.

Celebrate your success,

For all that you have done

You put forth the grandest effort,

NOW!

LOOK AT!

How far that you have come!

 

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Kind Regards and celebrating “our” existence- K

 

Retreat

Remember all…

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Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

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Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

Simple survive the Holiday hints…

Tis that time of year… The Holidays = LOTS OF STRESS.

Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday

without too many cuts and bruises… 🙂

Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts

to show you how to EASE your stress-filled mind… ❤

 

watch-lwss-do-more
be-ourselvesthe-2nd-is-chocolate

falalalala-yourself

 

Be kind to yourself!!

 

Kind Regards – K

Liminal

Thankfulness Week # 11

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Hello ol' friends, it's been awhile

Hard to believe 

That once again it has come

Another snow fall, this winter's first 

Yes, again it did appear

So gentle and so pure 

It covered Fall's browned leaves 

With tiny petite white fluff.

Our favorite magical time of year,

Yes, it would have been more dear

If the ones who knew me best

Could have stood along beside me

Though in my heart and mind

They forever will be near.

Ahh yes, the Holiday’s are once again upon us.

How many times have we read the words?

Through our lives, so many people, friends and family

have joined us in our traditional celebrations.

And the years go by….

You wake up one day, with only beautiful memories

of those that have now passed.

How do you handle it?

Well you know what I am going to say,

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS UP TO YOU!

As for me, I raise my glass of wine in celebration!

How blessed I am to have such glorious memories to cherish.

“Here’s to the good ol’ days, to the present I am here to enjoy

and to the future of grand things to come!”

Kind Regards and feeling thankful – K

Haddons ALL NEW WRITER’S QUOTE CHALLENGE

Elicit
Chaotic

On Fire!

The Morning sky ….

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The old Ski Lodge in Ascutney, VT….

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Behind the burned lodge you can see the trails pre-ski-season ….

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Just Remember-

 

“Transformation is a process,

and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs.

It’s a journey of discovery –

there are moments on mountaintops

and moments in deep valleys of despair.”

~Rick Warren

 

 

The trails don’t look so sad without the burned building….

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Kind Regards and seeing the positive – K

 

 

 

Weekly WordPress photo challenge- Transmogrify