Hello?

Can you see me?

You, sitting on the edge

Of my couch

Head tilted to your phone.

Can you hear me?

You sitting there

Physical body present,

Mindset unknown.

Can you talk to me?

You sitting there,

Quietly disengaged.

My inquiries,

Go unanswered.

Why are you here?

You sitting there,

Silent.

Me?

I feel trapped,

Sad,

Alone.

Kind Regards

and present – K

Infect

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Drowning in Plain Sight

Drowning in plain sight.

I read an article recently where a woman used this phrase to express how she felt during her battle with depression.

Drowning in plain sight.

Wow, I thought to myself. What a powerful statement. What an accurate statement.

Walking into work the other morning I was suffocated by my own anxiety. My chest was tight. My breath was quick. My mind… racing. My throat… restricted.

There it was… my anxiety. Drowning me… in plain sight.

I walk past my coworkers on the way to my desk. “Good Morning!” I say as I toss a “genuine” smile in their direction. I do my best not to look anyone directly in the eye and walk hurriedly as though I’m late to be somewhere. No one thinks anything of it. They think everything is fine. (This is a skill I have perfected over the years.)

Little did they know… I’m drowning…

As I sit down at my desk the restriction around my neck tightens. I’m trying to breathe… “just keep breathing” I tell myself. Find something to occupy your mind…

Drowning in plain sight.

Then I start to think to myself. Where is the life saver, the raft, the arm floaties?

In these moments there is a choice. I can choose to let this feeling control me or I can learn to control the emotion. How does one stop treading water and learn to swim during these times? (Or at least do the doggy paddle!)

Fast forward on this day… I survived! I stayed the entire work day. I didn’t go home. I didn’t implode, or explode and no one around me ever knew what happened.

I chose to find a floatation device and hang on.

(To be clear, it was not easy and I was exhausted. But I moved forward. Slowly, but surely, I came out victorious!)

So, what did I do?

I reached into my “tool kit” and found the flotation device I had stored there just for this occasion. (Like these occasions are actually planned! HA!)

First thing I realized was that I didn’t have to do this alone. I sent a text to my counselor to let her know I was drowning and was in need of extra ideas.

Secondly, I talked through what was going on with my best friend. (I find at times if you speak the emotions out loud it will release their power! Writing the emotions out has the same effect!)

Next, I snuck off to the handicap stall in the bathroom and cried. That’s right, just let myself feel the wave! I listened to my mind and my body, I found appreciation for why it was sending me these warning signs. (I have learned that these moments exist to warn us of something. Our bodies have a message for us. Sometimes I simply ask myself… What do you want me to know? You’ll be surprised what you may learn. I always take a moment to say thank you. I appreciate the warning, as the warning is there as a means of protection!)

At the suggestion of my counselor, I talked myself through an exercise: As you breathe identify 5 things you see; 4 things you hear; 3 things you smell; 2 things you taste; 1 positive thing you feel.. (This forced my anxious thoughts to slow down. My breath became calm and more grounded.)

Then finally, I wrote down gratitudes. I wrote down positive affirmations. I wrote down statements about myself that are true. (Did you know your brain cannot feel two emotions at one time? Focusing on what you love, believe, and that which makes you happy forces your brain to shift in that direction.) This exercise pulled the plug on the pool. The Tide turned. I suddenly felt myself find clarity and the anxiety lifted.

There I was. Exhausted… but standing with my head above water. I survived.

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My hope is that by sharing this story it will help you find strength and hope. Maybe one of the tools shared here will be something you’ve been looking to add to your emergency kit. Every day is a new day, another opportunity to witness yourself come out victorious. Every step is a step forward. Tiny victories are still victories!

Much love,¬†Super Snail ūüźĆ

Tide

One step back

Fret! Fret! Fret!

Imagined the worst!

Worried!

Uptight!

Paced!

Couldn’t eat!

Couldn’t sleep!

Shoulders met my earlobes!

Doubt!

Felt Insecure!

Overly sensitive!

All because

I misread

The situation!

Why?

An old habit!

I thought I’d overcome.

I’m a banana head!

Now?

Chalk it up!

Let it go!

Laugh it off!

Look in the mirror!

Make a silly face!

Give myself the raspberry!

****

Often I seem to mirror

New England weather,

Yesterday

windows open

After work

I raked!

Some lawn had appeared!

Today,

It snowed!

Mother Nature dear

What ARE you up to?

Let it go!

Laugh it off!

Go look in the mirror,

Make a funny face!

Give yourself a raspberry!

Stop being a banana head!

Ha!

****

Remember:

****

#Winning!

Kind Regards and chuckling -K

Photography compliments and copyrighted by BGage and K at TheBlackWallBlog.

Thwart

Peaceful Places

Singing ” These are a few of my favorite things….”

My Head In the clouds

Watching the Sunset

Snuggled under the covers,

Relaxing with my dogs.

Here is my “littlest” – Abby

In my kitchen cooking.

This time it’s stuffed poblano peppers! Yummm!

Visiting one of our local

Sap boiling places.

Yes!

They are making Maple Syrup!

Walking in the woods

In Fall

Kind Regards and ready for Spring- K

#winning

Photography copyrighted & compliments of BGage and K of TheBlackWallBlog.

Favorite Place

How I See It

Perspective,

We all have our own.

Excellent example:

My first husband was 5′ 10″ tall.

I am 5′ 10″ tall. (Truly, I am!).

He always thought of himself as being short, after all his father was over. 6′ as were most of the men in his family.

Me, my father was 6′ tall, BUT all the woman and my older brother were 5′ 8″ or much shorter. Therefore I grew up always feeling tall!

It was how we perceived ourselves.

Who was right?

Does it matter?

Realistically, neither of us were “10′ tall and bullet proof”, but we both felt that way when we met and fell in love. ‚̧ԳŹ

Respect for one another’s perception is one of the greatest gifts we can give.ūüíē

Kind Regards and #winning -K

Compromise

Random Rounds of Self

Funk in

Funk out.

Highs and Lows

Lows and Highs.

Yes u cans.

Can you yes?

Why yes I can!

 

YES!

I can allow myself to see the possibilities!

Stop the vicious circle of fear that,

Goes ’round and ’round in my head.

Hop off.

Go!

Okay, maybe a little more,

Rest a minute….

Dream a little dream…

See the sun through the rain….

BREATHE!

ENVISION!

Oh how many times, must I self talk myself through?

For as long as it takes.

As long as it takes?

That is  correct.

Roger that.

Onward I go.

 

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Kind Regards and # winning  -K

Circle

FOREVER

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Look up my love, look up,

I am here my love, look up

I’ll be forever waiting¬†

With open arms and heart

Until then,

Live life, my love, 

Live life!

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Time ticks forward,

We love, suffer losses, yet somehow,

We carry on.

We persevere.

Grow stronger from the pain.

Carry that strong belief,

The universe is there for us

As we stroll along life’s path.

We cry in anguish.

We laugh wholeheartedly.

We love deeply, from within.

We live.

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Kind Regards and # winning – K

Photography compliments and copyrighted by BGAGE and TheBlackWallBlog.

Waiting
Finite

Daily and Family Traditions

large2

Good morning!

They” say breakfast is the most important meal of day.

I add, start your day with a ritual that allows you a positive mindset.

My daily ritual:

Each morning, I awake, flipping open the covers as I exclaim to the dogs

“Time to make the doughnuts!” – they understand, ¬†time

to get up, go out, pee, then their REWARD- A TREAT!

Happy tails. ¬†ūüôā

Next, I make coffee, grab my pen, flip to a fresh page in my journal.

First, I write the current date, then add  +$49,000, +$477,111 plus at the very top of the page.

(A little something, I learned, listening to “The secret”.)

Next I scrawl, “May health, wealth, inner peace, self-assuredness, ¬†love, friendship, companionship, happiness, security, comfort, contentment, ¬†along with abundance and success embrace me and those I love, like a warm hug.”

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Next- Written next ¬†is the single word “EXCELLENT!”

No matter what mood I am in when I first open my eyes, that is how I start the day.

I scribble:

A brief overview via bits and pieces of what happened yesterday, what I accomplished, ¬†what may have caused stress to release it….. ta ta!

My day has officially begun!

Today is a bit different, my youngest granddaughter and I had a slumber party last night,

This allowed mommy and daddy to have a date night.

It’s little girl hugs, (cannot get enough) coffee, making a bowl of lucky charms and ¬†heading out to the front porch with my daughters lap top.

Fresh air,  peepers singing  in the background and the glow of the laptop screen.

 

 As soon as my  daughter comes downstairs a competition is planned.

Breakfast BOGGLE! To date, I am the champ. My brain is fresh this time of day.

Will I hang onto my title? Let the game begin!!

Boggle has been a part of  my life since I was young, I in turn taught it to my children.

No one has any idea how many hours we joyously, with pencils and paper ready- have flipped that little box of random letters over, started the timer and frantically scribbled every word we could find.  Laughter, silliness, giggles, a family at play.

No cell phones, no tv – just human interaction. Good ¬†ol’ fashioned fun! Bonding.

This is how we make memories.

 

In a few hours, Ill be back on a plane to NH. (tearful  good byes, yet so blessed we had the time together.)

FAMILY. TRADITIONS. COMING TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

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When was the last time you played games with your  family or friends?

 

Webster’s definition:

Definition of synchronize

  1. :  to happen at the same time

 

 

Have a glorious  Saturday! I will be thinking of you.

 

Kind Regards and all my love – K

 

Thank you Zen to Zany for your wonderful quotes and pics-  find her on Etsy .

 

 

Synchronize

Not Visiting Dale…

Good morning, from Mooresville, North Carolina!

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My Head in the Clouds on American Airlines – Aug 2017

 

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Starting  the descent for Charlotte Douglas International Airport РAug 2017

(Note: I did not bring my camera,  just my older Iphone

I shall apologize for the quality of the photography in advance.)

 

NASCAR COUNTRY!

 

Alas, I am not here to visit Dale, Jr.  Though my daughter has met him.

She says he is just a good ol’ country boy, very down to earth.

I was  sad to hear about his retirement, he will be missed!

 

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Driving from Charlotte Douglas International Airport.
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Quick shot of Lake Norman as we drive by- A man made Lake.

 

 

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Not sure what they are but they line the roads… so pretty!
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Planes fly overhead as we continue to our destination.

Time flies by.

Hard to fathom,  it is just one month short of  year since my last visit.

FaceTime dinner with my granddaughter/daughter and her fiance’ has been the upside of modern technology!

My 3 1/2 year old granddaughter said  to me just last week,

“G’ma, when are you going to visit ¬†me?”

To which I replied, ” I ¬†will have to ask Santa, after all he ¬†is a clever fellow.

Perhaps he can help ¬†answer your question.”

That appeased her and off we went onto making silly faces and her  showing

me the latest  tricks of dancing, twirls, favorite colors and counting to 20 and above.

 

Actually my ticket was purchased  and I would be there to  surprise  her within 5 days.

I felt giddy with excitement.

Sadly, at that moment, I realized,  there was no recent memory of such a rush of  adrenaline  or  that same excitement that sparked my brain, caused my heart to sing.

 

Being a serious  adult had gone on way too long.

 

 

Embrace the priceless  moments.

speedy princess
A princess running faster than the wind!

See the beauty in the side yard!

 

 

 

 

 

“Play is the highest form of Research” – Albert Einstein

 

‚ÄúThe creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct.‚ÄĚ ‚Äď Carl Jung

 

‚ÄúWe don‚Äôt stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.‚ÄĚ ‚Äď George Bernard Shaw

 

 

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Kind Regards and feeling open to all the  world has to offer. РK

 

Ooze

Ooh, Shiny!

Keep On Rolling…

I’ll admit it. It’s been a rough few weeks.

I haven’t been able to write.

No feelings of creativity or inspiration.

I’ve focused on survival,

It was all I could muster.

As I planted a smile on my face

and went to work each day.

Perhaps I was letting go,

Working on accepting what is.

Grief can come in all forms.

I haven’t seen or ever felt

there was a perfectly defined 

set of rules,

for how you make it 

through.

While watching some Hulu last night

Along came a song…¬†

Exactly what I needed, 

not that I knew what I needed.

But…

My mind, feet and soul  started to dance.

Whatever  was going on,

I am here now.

Happy Saturday to you!

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REO SPEEDWAGON sang it loud and so did/do I.  

“So if you’re tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah…”

That song, produces pictures of

a time of my life filled with glorious memories…

I heard it last night and discovered

it STILL delivers a special message, meaning

and triggers a quickened heart beat.

(August 4, 2017)

It sparks a fire in my soul!

(Originally released in 1978!)

Yikes!!

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Unbelievable!  Or is it?

I have said it before and you will surely hear,

or read it from me again.

It’s the seemingly simple things in life,

that appear and help get you through.

No matter where you are,

Lounging on the couch,

Driving down the road…

Life,  inspires you, 

If you allow yourself to be open to suggestion.

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Whether it be the infectious giggling of a child 

in the grocery line behind you.

 A new or old favorite song on the radio.

An unexpected happy ending of a movie,

A call from an old friend,

A sweet bird singing in the branches 

Outside your window, 

Or a neighborhood dog that suddenly appears

Just to say hello.

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If it creates a spark of hope,

Quickens your heart rate,

Makes you feel good,

Grab onto it, embrace it!

Tap into the positive energy.

Allow it to help propel you forward.

To place one foot in front of the other,

On your journey  of life.

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Kind Regards and

         feeling grateful for a new day РK

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Photography of the tree trunk, flowers and the neighbor’s dog-¬†

Compliments of The BlackWallblog.

Casual
Satisfaction

The Bacon Journey

July 1st, WOWSER!!

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A Lady Slipper, found at White Rock National Park, VT. A rare find.

In my head,  excerpts from a CHICAGO song swirls

"Saturday, in the park, 

I think it was the 4th of July....

People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Everybody is another
Can you dig it (yes, I can) 
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday..."

 

So much has transpired since LGB’s diagnosis

of late stage 2 esophagus cancer on March 24, 2017.

Great news!

His numbers are excellent,

they have discontinued chemo.

 

He has lost his voice and it may or may not come back.

 

He adapted and his Smartphone does the talking.

Have you ever thought what it might be like to pull up to your

favorite Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and NOT been able to give

your order?

Well his phone states his daily order for a Turbo shot iced coffee:

PROBLEM SOLVED. 

 

He has one more day of neck radiation.

Two weeks after that a Pet Scan.

If that is good, he is FREE.

Free to roam his beloved woods,

he and his camera can once

again become one.

 

WOO HOO!

 

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White Rock National Park, VT May 2017

FREE

Me, I have been attempting to survive while riding an emotional roller-

coaster.

It is difficult to watch your best friend in pain.

His neck is severely burned and I have done my best to be there for him.

When he let’s me.¬†

I gave him my all. 

I made a promise to myself to hold his hand while he made the Bacon journey.

 Aptly named due to the crispiness of what radiation treatment does to you.

Besides it adds a touch of humor. “Does anyone smell bacon?”

Oh it’s just LGB…

Okay, so we are a sick group of individuals, but who cares,

it kept us all chuckling!

theres a hole in my bucket
There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza.. lol

LGB and I have been on a tumultuous journey much longer than

the Bacon journey. 

 

The realization that I have been just a passenger along for the ride in his life,

not just for this particular journey, but for the last two years has hit hard.

 

TRUTH- He has proved, though he states he loves me,

that I am only allowed to be a small part of that life.

He made so many promises, they were good intentions.

They wound up being broken promises. 

 

I knew deep in my heart, he was in love with the concept of me.

He liked knowing I was there.

And at one time, I loved him with all my heart.

For me, this is the last leg of his and my life trip together.

 

Sad, yet such a relief to jump off that emotional roller coaster.

 

I need to implement Self-care.

There have been warning signs; panic attacks, night mares,

constant fatigue, etc…

I have been ignoring myself and that is NOT okay. 

A difficult decision.

My mental and physical health

take precedence.

 

Being grateful:

 I am so fortunate to carry forward fabulous memories.

As I travel down my life path…¬†

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Who know’s what new adventure

may be just around the corner.

 

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Kind Regards and thinking of my best friend -K

 

 

Passenger
Delta

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording ¬†–¬†

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN‚Ķ thought I had it all together, AGAIN‚Ķ. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL‚ĶHow do I know it is back? The warning signs ‚Äď ¬†feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don‚Äôt want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there‚Ķ. It took me a long ¬†time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn‚Äôt be counting pennies, I would be counting ¬†colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know‚Äôs where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best ‚Äď ME- I am one of those dreaded ‚Äúcheery‚ÄĚ morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah‚Ķ

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall ‚Äď I lost my son to that ‚ÄúSOB‚ÄĚ. I was such a proud ‚ÄúBlue Star Mom‚ÄĚ but ¬†I had gone so low I couldn‚Äôt even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don‚Äôt think he has ever forgiven me‚Ķ I know I¬†have tried to forgive myself‚Ķ but that story is for another day‚Ķ

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

Three Things I’m sure of…

In this world  full of too many choices which can 

leave one feeling unclear as to what is the best choice,

which is the right direction to go….¬†

I am confident that:

 

 

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But most of all….

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and….

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Kind Regards and believing in you – K

 

Compliments of Zen to Zany.

Specific

Remember all…

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Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

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Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

Simple survive the Holiday hints…

Tis that time of year… The Holidays =¬†LOTS¬†OF STRESS.

Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday

without too many cuts and bruises… ūüôā

Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts

to show you¬†how to EASE¬†your stress-filled mind… ‚̧

 

watch-lwss-do-more
be-ourselvesthe-2nd-is-chocolate

falalalala-yourself

 

Be kind to yourself!!

 

Kind Regards – K

Liminal

Back to Reality

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Good news… I made it through the first week of my ¬†new job!¬†

A statement with an immense hidden meaning.

Allow me to translate; I overcame a boat load of anxiety by facing it!

 

a) Overcame my insomnia, created a sleeping routine for 5 days. (WOW! 5 DAYS!)

b) Drove to work.

c) Met new people.

d) I spent time in an unfamiliar place. (Over 9 hours a day!)

e) Kept  my mind in the now. (Practiced mindfulness.)

f) Pushed aside negative thoughts of failure, replacing them with,

“I have been successful for most of my life and

there is no reason I cannot do this.”

g) Implemented and maintained a walking schedule

after work each day to relieve stress and up my serotonin levels.

h) Continued to win the fight over the question;

Is my body truly healthy and will it allow me to do this?  

My answer? “YES, DAMMIT, IT IS!!”

 

#WINNING!!

 

#HappyDance!!

 

This was a test, it was only a test, had it been an actual emergency you would have been told where to tune in your area…. or something along those lines. ha!

 

 

anxiety-not-welcome-anymore

 

If I can do it, you surely can!! 

Kind Regards – K

 

 

 

 

 

Daily prompt Test