Keep On Rolling…

I’ll admit it. It’s been a rough few weeks.

I haven’t been able to write.

No feelings of creativity or inspiration.

I’ve focused on survival,

It was all I could muster.

As I planted a smile on my face

and went to work each day.

Perhaps I was letting go,

Working on accepting what is.

Grief can come in all forms.

I haven’t seen or ever felt

there was a perfectly defined 

set of rules,

for how you make it 

through.

While watching some Hulu last night

Along came a song… 

Exactly what I needed, 

not that I knew what I needed.

But…

My mind, feet and soul  started to dance.

Whatever  was going on,

I am here now.

Happy Saturday to you!

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REO SPEEDWAGON sang it loud and so did/do I.  

“So if you’re tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah…”

That song, produces pictures of

a time of my life filled with glorious memories…

I heard it last night and discovered

it STILL delivers a special message, meaning

and triggers a quickened heart beat.

(August 4, 2017)

It sparks a fire in my soul!

(Originally released in 1978!)

Yikes!!

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Unbelievable!  Or is it?

I have said it before and you will surely hear,

or read it from me again.

It’s the seemingly simple things in life,

that appear and help get you through.

No matter where you are,

Lounging on the couch,

Driving down the road…

Life,  inspires you, 

If you allow yourself to be open to suggestion.

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Whether it be the infectious giggling of a child 

in the grocery line behind you.

 A new or old favorite song on the radio.

An unexpected happy ending of a movie,

A call from an old friend,

A sweet bird singing in the branches 

Outside your window, 

Or a neighborhood dog that suddenly appears

Just to say hello.

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If it creates a spark of hope,

Quickens your heart rate,

Makes you feel good,

Grab onto it, embrace it!

Tap into the positive energy.

Allow it to help propel you forward.

To place one foot in front of the other,

On your journey  of life.

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Kind Regards and

         feeling grateful for a new day – K

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Photography of the tree trunk, flowers and the neighbor’s dog- 

Compliments of The BlackWallblog.

Casual
Satisfaction

The Bacon Journey

July 1st, WOWSER!!

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A Lady Slipper, found at White Rock National Park, VT. A rare find.

In my head,  excerpts from a CHICAGO song swirls

"Saturday, in the park, 

I think it was the 4th of July....

People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Everybody is another
Can you dig it (yes, I can) 
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday..."

 

So much has transpired since LGB’s diagnosis

of late stage 2 esophagus cancer on March 24, 2017.

Great news!

His numbers are excellent,

they have discontinued chemo.

 

He has lost his voice and it may or may not come back.

 

He adapted and his Smartphone does the talking.

Have you ever thought what it might be like to pull up to your

favorite Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and NOT been able to give

your order?

Well his phone states his daily order for a Turbo shot iced coffee:

PROBLEM SOLVED. 

 

He has one more day of neck radiation.

Two weeks after that a Pet Scan.

If that is good, he is FREE.

Free to roam his beloved woods,

he and his camera can once

again become one.

 

WOO HOO!

 

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White Rock National Park, VT May 2017

FREE

Me, I have been attempting to survive while riding an emotional roller-

coaster.

It is difficult to watch your best friend in pain.

His neck is severely burned and I have done my best to be there for him.

When he let’s me. 

I gave him my all. 

I made a promise to myself to hold his hand while he made the Bacon journey.

 Aptly named due to the crispiness of what radiation treatment does to you.

Besides it adds a touch of humor. “Does anyone smell bacon?”

Oh it’s just LGB…

Okay, so we are a sick group of individuals, but who cares,

it kept us all chuckling!

theres a hole in my bucket
There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza.. lol

LGB and I have been on a tumultuous journey much longer than

the Bacon journey. 

 

The realization that I have been just a passenger along for the ride in his life,

not just for this particular journey, but for the last two years has hit hard.

 

TRUTH- He has proved, though he states he loves me,

that I am only allowed to be a small part of that life.

He made so many promises, they were good intentions.

They wound up being broken promises. 

 

I knew deep in my heart, he was in love with the concept of me.

He liked knowing I was there.

And at one time, I loved him with all my heart.

For me, this is the last leg of his and my life trip together.

 

Sad, yet such a relief to jump off that emotional roller coaster.

 

I need to implement Self-care.

There have been warning signs; panic attacks, night mares,

constant fatigue, etc…

I have been ignoring myself and that is NOT okay. 

A difficult decision.

My mental and physical health

take precedence.

 

Being grateful:

 I am so fortunate to carry forward fabulous memories.

As I travel down my life path… 

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Who know’s what new adventure

may be just around the corner.

 

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Kind Regards and thinking of my best friend -K

 

 

Passenger
Delta

I FOUND IT -Challenge accepted!

“Faith is almost the bottom line of creativity; it requires a leap of faith any time we undertake a creative endeavor, whether this is going to the easel, or the page, or onto the stage – or for that matter, in a homelier way, picking out the right fabric for the kitchen curtains, which is also a creative act.” – Julia Cameron

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I apologize, that I cannot recall who put out this challenge.

If it is you, please leave me a comment and receive credit!

It flashed across my phone within the last week and obviously stuck.

I’ll paraphrase, since I don’t recall the exact wording  – 

The challenge? Re-post your first post ever written. 

As I read it now, there is total recall of how low I felt at that moment.

There must have been a tiny spark of “perhaps if”, hidden deep

in my subconscious because reviewing the 14 months hence-

Damn!! “YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!”

 

WHY?

Why am I here? Why have I started this blog? (Not very original I am sure) But-

Here I am in a place, a good job on the line, AGAIN… thought I had it all together, AGAIN…. and IT appeared- that which I call THE BLACK WALL…How do I know it is back? The warning signs –  feelings of helplessness, panic, self doubt, night sweats, anxiety, sadness, depression, lack of concentration, struggling to keep my head up, lack of interest of anything; food, friends, I have zero hopes or dreams. Just the seemingly simple act of getting up in the morning drains the very life out of me. I am back peddling like an insect caught off guard in the tub.. the drain has been let out and I sure don’t want to go down that hole to the unknown blackness. I have been there…. It took me a long  time and one hell of a lot of courage, sheer will, damn hard work and sacrifice to climb out and I DO NOT ever want to go there again. NOT EVER!!

Why do i call it THE BLACK WALL? I believe the best way to explain it is this. There are times I hit my head against it as I am trying to break through and keep on going and then other times, without warning it takes another form, the swirling black hole of nothingness. Oh it whispers as though it would be such a relief to no longer have to struggle against it. The warmth of being wrapped in that warm comforting cocoon of nothingness, no pain, no sorrow, no fear… but having been there, I know better.

I have years of tools, for fighting those ghosts, why all of a sudden, now, has it decided to return? If i knew the answer to that one I wouldn’t be counting pennies, I would be counting  colorful tasty umbrella drinks while vacationing on some island off the coast of who know’s where, with my soul mate, enjoying life. Laughing, dancing, swimming, living it up. Not sitting here in my pajamas after another sleepless night at 2 pm in the afternoon. For when I am at my best – ME- I am one of those dreaded “cheery” morning people. Grab a cup of coffee, face the day, singing- (Oh! stop! growling!). Most people that (think they, know me, have not one clue that I experience this. They would tell you I am one of the most fun, easy going, kindest, glass is half full individuals, with great strength of character. One of those people that is independent, always helping others, love to make people laugh with savvy sarcasm, quick wit, paying it forward and blah blah blah…

So I guess the answer to why I am here is to help myself find the inner strength to start to work those tools AGAIN…. find my path to them with a little help from my friends, as the song goes. Why the blog? Maybe just maybe, together if you are struggling too, we can work on it together. Compare notes. Work it. Support each other. Anonymously or not.  That is entirely up to you.

So this is my first day… the writing probably doesn’t flow.. but if I get one person to want to attempt the journey with me. Find our sense of balance, take that first R.T.S (reasonable tiny step) forward, than it is going to be the beginning of something great! Wow, I think that was a flash of exuberance that just popped out. I call that HOPE. I know in my heart if I am willing to allow my path to be lead by the universe and I remember to believe in me, stop trying to control everything… it can work. It’s just so damn hard taking that first step…

You know in the BIGGEST battle in my life I had with the The Black Wall – I lost my son to that “SOB”. I was such a proud “Blue Star Mom” but  I had gone so low I couldn’t even be there the day he came home after a year away serving his country. I don’t think he has ever forgiven me… I know I have tried to forgive myself… but that story is for another day…

 

Better

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kind Regards and feeling grateful for everyday – K

Photography compliments of LGB aka bgage on viewbug

Remember all…

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Below, a wonderful video, compliments of youtube.com

Beware, it may just reach right in and grab hold of your heart. 

 

A Soldier’s Night Before Christmas – Ashley White

 

 

 

Christmas, December 25th…. A day many will be spending alone.

Let us not forget our soldiers nor the elderly or anyone who might

not be feeling chipper or close to family this time of year.

Know of someone who might not have a place to go?

Why not invite them to dinner? 

 

I would like to remind you, if you are feeling alone on this traditional holiday,

most churches still have a Christmas eve service. Check out the times of one

in your local area.  Being a part of a group, may just bring your heart

the peace it deserves. 

 

In Bellows Falls, VT, I am blessed to work part time at the Stone Church on the hill.

It’s real name is The Immanuel Episcopal Church.

The position was offered to me and I accepted, long before,

I knew how much I was going to need their wonderful camaraderie.

They are having an early evening service and welcome new people

with open arms. Drop on by if you are in the area.

 

Below, a few pictures that L.G.B. took one early Sunday morning.

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Open up your heart and home, Dear

Whilst you rejoice by voice in yuletide song.

Welcome them with thou loving hugs, Dear

Let not one feel, they do not belong.

Kind Regards and thinking of all – K

Sacred

Simple survive the Holiday hints…

Tis that time of year… The Holidays = LOTS OF STRESS.

Hopefully, you successfully survived Black Friday

without too many cuts and bruises… 🙂

Here are a few “Pinterest”, thoughts

to show you how to EASE your stress-filled mind… ❤

 

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be-ourselvesthe-2nd-is-chocolate

falalalala-yourself

 

Be kind to yourself!!

 

Kind Regards – K

Liminal

Back to Reality

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Good news… I made it through the first week of my  new job! 

A statement with an immense hidden meaning.

Allow me to translate; I overcame a boat load of anxiety by facing it!

 

a) Overcame my insomnia, created a sleeping routine for 5 days. (WOW! 5 DAYS!)

b) Drove to work.

c) Met new people.

d) I spent time in an unfamiliar place. (Over 9 hours a day!)

e) Kept  my mind in the now. (Practiced mindfulness.)

f) Pushed aside negative thoughts of failure, replacing them with,

“I have been successful for most of my life and

there is no reason I cannot do this.”

g) Implemented and maintained a walking schedule

after work each day to relieve stress and up my serotonin levels.

h) Continued to win the fight over the question;

Is my body truly healthy and will it allow me to do this?  

My answer? “YES, DAMMIT, IT IS!!”

 

#WINNING!!

 

#HappyDance!!

 

This was a test, it was only a test, had it been an actual emergency you would have been told where to tune in your area…. or something along those lines. ha!

 

 

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If I can do it, you surely can!! 

Kind Regards – K

 

 

 

 

 

Daily prompt Test

#22 and Little Book Big Results

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#22:

What am I passionate  about? I  am passionate about  the number 22!

That is the number of American veterans we are losing everyday to suicide!

This  needs to STOP!

 

 

22

Veterans helping vets website

 

Little Book Big Results:

 

What  else am I passionate about? Helping people who suffer from anxiety!

We attempt to live normal lives and it holds us back.

Good news, a friend gave me a book to read while I was on this trip!

Within 5 minutes of  cracking the cover and trying a few brain rewire techniques

I had tackled some of  my anxiety. I was amazed! Give it a try!

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The name of the book “The Anti-anxiety Toolkit”

Rapid Techniques to Rewire the Brain

Author- Melissa Tiers

 

 

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Kind Regards and hoping to make a difference – K

 

 

Daily Post Passionate

K MIA??

 

Good afternoon,

Ya wondering where I am?

 

Monday, I kissed my best buds goodbye and headed for Boston, MA.

You can see Abby was extremely impressed that “mom” was leaving, NOT!

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L.G.B. stopped  in Monday night to see how the hairy kiddos were handling things.

There was The Chiefster, showing his enthusiasm for “mom” being gone.  😦

 

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Tuesday morning I headed for Logan Airport.

The airport and the flight was filled with the least amount of “travel enthusiasm” I have ever witnessed.  It was an unusually somber group.

I am quite sure, it was attributed to the anniversary of 9/11.

Everyone seemed pensive and sullen.. I have never in my 30 plus years of travel, seen anything similar.

But…

Around 11ish I had my head in the clouds, literally!!

The weather was warm and sunny, with a few scattered clouds! What a beautiful day to fly!

You could see for miles!!  (…and miles and miles!)

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006-with-water-mark-and-cropped-perfect

 

The GOOD NEWS!

I am NOT –  MIA! But safe and sound in Mooresville, NC!! (AKA- Race city, USA!)

OH! Dinner’s ready, we are having Pasta Primavera! Gotta go!!

 

“Sometimes things aren’t clear right away.

That’s where you need to be patient and persevere

and see where things lead.” ~ Mary Pierce

C’ya soon!

Kind Regards and missing my friends- K

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily post Perplexed

#Winning 3

 

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Inside, her mind conjures flashed negative visions

of failure scenarios.

Outside, raw Inner Fear causes her upper body to

tremble and shake.

Sounds of quick shallow breaths escape, as she mentally,

attempts to gain control. Searching for reality, brain waves

frantically scurry through her frenzied thoughts.

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Head tilted downward, lashes lowered, eyes barely open, 

overwhelming bright overhead lights and too large an area

cause her to abandon her attempt to scan the entire room.

She switches her minuscule wisp of concentration to locating

a closer target, to gaze upon, fixate.

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On the yellow legal pad in front of her, nearly legible,

jagged edge doodles and pen scrawled words,  

quivering digits continue writing, diagonal, across and down.

YOU’VE GOT THIS!

#WINNING!  

 

 

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 Slowly inhaling then exhaling,

she starts writing the familiar list:

Focus on now.

Breathe slowly.

Believe in yourself.

Remember all you have accomplished!

Relax those shoulder muscles!

Smile, this is just a learned response!

Visualize yourself calm.

Your simple steady positive reprogramming is working!

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Tick Tock, Tick Tock….

Once again, the attack subsides, she is back.

Victory!

 

 

 

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Kind Regards and Winning – K

 

Daily Photography challenge Edge

Daily post/prompt Recharge

Snausages for Dinna’ (30 sec read)

Food!

I don’t know about you,

but when I am not feeling

at my best, the thought of eating

goes right out the window.

Or my appetite goes to the other extreme

and I can’t get enough . (binge eating, is so bad!)

chocolater-bar

 

 Eating healthy is extremely important

when battling any type of mental illness.

You cannot just eat junk food. (darn it!)

Keeping up your strength and the ol’ body

running in tip top shape is a must!! 

 

This simple recipe is one of my favorites.

Makes me feel like I am eating junk food

but it really isn’t too bad for you.

A win win!!

 

SNAUSAGES

WITH GREEN PEPPERS

& ONIONS

 

 

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Saute’ some green and/or red peppers & onions

Hot Italian sausages-Cooked on the grill or on the stove top.

Serve in a sandwich bun.

Simple AND yummy!!

 

K Tip: Put your condiments in the bottom of your roll,

then plunk your sausage & peppers & onions on top.

This little maneuver saves you from major spillage

from overflow! A trick I learned years ago, walking

around the old county fair!! 

Nothing worse than running into someone you know with

a ketchup/mustard  mustache

OR having it run down your shirt!

(Waaaaaaaaahhh! NOT!) 

 

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Now I AM hungry!!

Off I go-

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Kind Regards and starving – K

 

 

Photos by Little_Sister http://www.food.com/user/243474

Daily post/prompt Sandwich

52 Weeks of Thankfulness #3

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Zen to Zany- Tell her K sent you. 🙂

Today, I am grateful for a couple of things:

  Three years ago I put in an application for a job I truly wanted.

Last week, out of the blue they called me for an interview. 

Well, I am thankful for the chance to have interviewed and 

received an offer from the company to take the job. It came at

a time I truly needed it.

Someone is watching over me. 🙂

********************************************************

This week I had a chance to chat with an old friend.

We have not spoken but once in 26 years.

(She is battling cancer for the 2nd time.)

We talked for over 2 hours…

Time has no affect on true friendship! 

 

Have a wonderful week!!

 

Kind Regards and feeling blessed – K

 

 

 

https://haddonmusings.com/2016/08/29/52-weeks-of-thankfulness-week-10/

Let Your Light Shine Thru

Behind the Eclipse, the sun is shining… K

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Copyrighted and compliments of L.G. B. The Sun

5 Quotes to help you shine:

“In order for the light to shine so brightly,

the darkness must be present.” ~ Francis Bacon

******************************************

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are,

what you are, what you believe shine

through every sentence you write,

every piece you finish.” ~ John Jakes

*****************************************

“Try not to get lost in comparing yourself to others.

Discover your gifts and let them shine!

Softball is amazing that way as a sport.

Everyone on the field has a slightly different 

ability that makes them perfect for their position.

~Jennie Finch

******************************************

“The sun does not shine for a few trees and flowers,

but for the wide world’s joy.” ~Henry Ward Beecher

*******************************************

“Beset by a difficult problem?

Now is your chance to shine.

Pick yourself up, get to work and

get triumphantly through it.”  ~Ralph Marston

********************************************

 

5 Songs to sing:

Collective Soul – Shine youtube video. sing along!

Jordan Smith – Stand In The Light (Lyric Video)

jennifer lopez – feel the light lyrics (full song)

Demi Lovato – Neon Lights (Official Lyric Video)

Matchbox Twenty – Bright Lights (Video)

 

Haiku

Eclipse now covers.

Behind, the sunshine glows bright.

Soon you’ll shine again.

cow MONDAY MUST POST

 

 

Kind Regards – K

 

 

 

Daily postEclipse

Suicide, A Memory Not shortlived

If you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or that you might harm yourself. 

Call 911, Call a friend, get to the Emergency room and explain how you feel.

SUICIDE is NOT the answer.

I have written a short recollection, of the impact of suicide and how it has affected me and my family for my entry for Miracle’s challenge. It needed to be written. Please do not read if you feel it might upset you.

Kind Regards – K

 

It was a  seemingly random day, temperature about 90 degrees, the 28th day of August, 17 years ago,that I got the call.

As the news was reported to me and the other end hung up, I dropped to the floor as my knees gave way. There was no attempt to stay upright. The house phone must have fallen beside me, though I have no recollection. Shock. Disbelief. Just an all consuming overwhelming sadness of something I struggled to grasp, believe,  but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t quite fathom.

My next thought, the children… Where is K? Did she overhear? OH MY GOD, screamed my brain! I must find K!  How will I ever tell her?   Then I shall have to find D,  he is playing with his friends. OH! DEAR! GOD!  How can I? How does one? I shouted out my daughter’s name and went off looking for her…  and a bit later we drove off to find my son.

 

Now, 17 years later.

That fateful day. This thought still travels through my brain. Why? Why didn’t you call me and tell me you were struggling with life? That you had such a dark  shadow of a cloud hanging over you? Why did you just give into it, in silence?

We know not why he felt he had no choice. But, his suicide is still a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. It is rarely spoken about. When it is, we handle it matter of fact, due to it’s familiarity. Seemingly odd, that could be something  with which we’ve become comfortable.

It is what it is. We cannot change what happened. We have no choice but to accept what is. He made the decision and gave us no vote.

What can we do? Nothing, is the answer.

 

We live our daily lives as most everyone does. When the day is quiet, I often speak to him and ask him questions, to which I get no replies nor will I ever.

Sometimes I even get angry and yell at him for being so self centered and selfish. Other times, I speak as I talk to an old best friend. My heart believes he sees how well the children have done through the years.

He knows what wonderful loving adults they are.

I believe he does. For that is what I am left with. That is MY choice.

The only one my ex-husband left me.

 

In loving Memory of Rocklin DeWayne Webb 9.1.63 – 8.28.99

 

 

 

Daily post Miniature

One Main Reason

I Have A Blog.

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Today is the anniversary of the loss of  two young lives while

 “in action” approximately 2 hours from Kabul.

Our boys, from our town were there and no one was to know.

It all has been kept secret.

Today a post was put up to commemorate

the loss of two of their comrades.

I can do the math, the distance calculations and

put the story together pretty quickly.

I know my son was there.

No one will talk about it.

There is an unspoken code of silence

between those who were there.

And that is okay.

But, today, finally, we can have a moment of silence and

pray for the families of those young lives..

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“Six years ago, we lost two outstanding members of the Mountain Batallion and two beautiful human beings that left an impact on every life they came across. Remembering Tristan Southworth and Steve Deluzio today. Never forgotten.”

~ From a member of the Mountain Batallion.

 

And we continue to lose 25 per day to suicide.

God Bless the men and women and the families

of those  

who serve,

have served

and gave the ultimate sacrifice.

 

 

Kind Regards and praying – K

 

Youth