Nightmare within a Nightmare 3.2019

 

blue skies intermittent with clouds march 2019

 

A freshly baked tingling, numb turnover

Filled with pudding-like loneliness

Drizzled with sadness

Placed in the center of the breakfast plate,

and served with a side of cold truth coffee.

 

I realize my physician is trying to help. If it hadn’t been for the fact my psychiatrist at home had suggested the drug, I would not have tried it.

Saturday, I drove the 12 miles to Walmart. (Yahoo me), and picked up my scripts. Included was the new one, $200 dollar for the generic version of Abilify.

Six hours from taking 1/4 of a pill, 5 mgs, I became very angry at the dogs as we were out in the field. A little voice in my head, thought, this is odd. Why am I mad at the dogs? Once we got into the house, the dogs had their treats and I settled to watch a movie, a dreadful feeling of loss, hopelessness and sadness hit my gut. I started to sob. I reached for tissue to capture the giant tears that rolled down my face.

Taking a few deep breaths, I thought, what the hell?

I grabbed a glass of water, inhaled and exhaled some deep cleansing breaths, then napped off and on for the next 12 hours. I was sooo tired. That was Saturday.

Sunday, I awoke, and took another 5 mgs. it wasnt long and I grew very sleepy, I hadn’t been up very long. Barely, long enough to shower and have some breakfast, take the dogs out and back to sleep I went. I awoke in a fog. Took the dogs out, felt the anger like rage pop up again. WTH? Something was wrong. Why was I so enraged? The dogs and I worked our way to the house, feeling exhausted I plunked my butt on the couch and researched, withdrawal symptoms and then Abilify.

Dang! it was the Abilify! A known side effect that was not put as a warning on any literature. Some of the stories I read and the study findings I discovered gave me goosebumps. Then, the sobbing started…

>>>>>>>>>

Another bump in the road. I will get through this one too. No more Abilify. As a matter of fact, no more “so called” helpful drug(s) until I am through the detoxing. I want to try the natural way. Good food and exercise. I have 2 mg of lorazepam to go.

Wish me luck.

 

Kind Regards and determined to win – K

 

Broom Fell- Company’s Coming 1.30.19

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Excellent news!!  On January 31st, my best friend is coming from Massachusetts to visit! Woohoo!  It will be a welcome relief for her to get away from the extreme cold. For me? Fantastic to have a friend for exploration!

L, who is coming to visit,  prompted the dedication quote in my next book!

“True friends

are often discovered by

 unsolicited action and support.

 Once found, forever carried within the heart.” – Kallie Knight

 

 

“WEATHER” OR  NOT WE ARE HAVING FUN…. HAHAHA!

after the storm 31.29.2019

 

In the northern part of the east coast,  in the last two weeks, they have experienced 12-14 plus inches of snow a few times, and quick thaws causing icy roads, walkways along with some flash flooding.  They are enduring an ongoing windchill factor that drops the temperature well below zero. New Hampshire and Vermont as well as other parts of the country are experiencing EXTREME Winter!

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When one thinks of North Carolina, generally, the mind envisions hot sunny, humid days. Surprise! They DO have winter!

This morning, as I walked the dogs, there was a crisp, crackle to the grass comparable to the sound of the crinkle-crunch of when my cat attempts to sneak into a freshly opened bag of potato chips.

Temperature?  Twenty-four degrees!

 

When I first arrived to North Carolina, it was barely 48 hours following an all time record breaking snowfall. As the last six-ish weeks have flown by, I have experienced, rain,  frozen water droplets hanging from the branches, while the ground remained wet but too warm to freeze.

crispy ice on the branches statesvile nc

In the last 2 weeks there have been school delays due to icy roads. Sounds like Wintry weather to me!

The temperature ranges from 63-38 degrees during the day, then drops to the 20-30s at night. Mother Nature seems to enjoy the element of surprise as this transpires in no particular order and without warning.

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One day I will be a bit hot in my hoodie, the next I have my purple scarf wrapped about my neck as I add a winter coat to take the dogs outside into the brisk air! Three hours later I may be in a hoodie again, with blue skies, sunshine and what I deem to be the perfect not too hot, not too cold temperature.

I have felt blessed, weather-wise, to witness this time of year in Statesville and Troutman, NC!

tree line with clouds troutman nc

Well I am off to do more unpacking in hopes of having some sort of order when L arrives!! 

❤ 

Have a wicked awesome Wednesday!!

 

Kind Regards  and #winning- K

 

** Photography compliments and copyrighted by CShropshire, BGage and K of The Black Wall Blog- 2019  Title quote from K’s favorite movie- Practical Magic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Difference (a short story)

Who knows if Frank ever truly loved her for his forever, as he vowed. The answer to that question was buried along with him.

 

It was cancer, as he had foreseen. It hit him as second cancer, according to the experts. It wasn’t longer than 6 months after, his one year cancer free anniversary. Six months after he had told her he was going to die soon anyway, so he wanted his freedom. Therefore, she could start grieving him now. Just pretend I have already passed on, were his words.

 

Kate thought he was hilarious. “Since when in the last 3 years, have you not already done exactly what you wanted?”, she chuckled along with her reply. He smiled that odd secretive smile he often used when he was already living inside his own thoughts. Hugged her and walked away.

 

 

Kate knew all too well the difference between “pretend” death and the real thing. She knew when a person was gone,eventually, those 

left behind, could find solace. There was an acceptance of knowing their loved one, was no longer in pain and felt at peace.

 

When she was fifteen, her mom, lost a 3 ½ year battle against leukemia and cancer. Her father had gone to the other side after a sudden heart attack in 1998. Then bone cancer that moved upward, took her older brother in 2007, when Kate was in her early forties.

 

Often, on a bad day, she would still talk to them. Instinctively, Kate felt them as they watched over her. Angels. 

She thought of them as protective angels, 

keeping herself, her children and later her grandchildren from harm. 

Hell, her theory was 

proven when she was barely 16. One late,sunny summer afternoon, as they were cruising up the road on his dirt bike. Suddenly, she hollered into her high school boyfriend’s ear,

 YOU HAVE GOT TO PULL OVER, I HAVE TO GET OFF!

 

From nowhere, she had this desperate anxiety flood 

every nerve in her body. Panic succumbed her thoughts. The message? 

GET OFF THAT BIKE, KATE! GET OFF THAT BIKE RIGHT NOW!

 

Dave, being the loving, caring boyfriend that he was, pulled over to the side of the country road. She hopped off. He looked at her, shrugged his shoulders, gave her the, are you sure look? She nodded. They were approximately 1500 feet from the base of his parents driveway. Slowly, he pulled away.

 

Just as he turned onto the hill of the driveway, the bike’s throttle stuck, discovering the brakes were gone, he had no choice but to jump off. Somehow, the bike, remained 

perfectly upright. It gained speed up the hill, across the driveway and crashed 

full throttle into the garage doors at the other end. He could hear the high pitch wine of the engine that within seconds, sputtered and died.

 

Kate came running. Still laying on the side of the driveway, Dave looked up at her and asked, “How THE HELL, did you know?”, “I didn’t.”, she replied, still slightly out of breath. “All I knew, was for some dang reason, I just HAD to get off that friggin bike! 

 

Sitting up in the grass, he reached for her and pulled her close. She snuggled in and the two of them just sat there for an hour or more, holding each other. They quietly chatted, as young lovers do. Occasionally, one of them glanced towards the mutilated dirt bike.

That, was the day it started…  

 

 ❤️

Thought I would try my hand at a short story.

In all honesty, I picked up a new journal the other day.

As I was putting away the groceries, I picked up a pen and that story wrote itself.

Some is fiction, some is not.

Kind Regards and #winning- K

❤️

Photography, copyrighted and compliments of K of TheBlackWallBlog. 12.18