Suicide, A Memory Not shortlived

If you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or that you might harm yourself. 

Call 911, Call a friend, get to the Emergency room and explain how you feel.

SUICIDE is NOT the answer.

I have written a short recollection, of the impact of suicide and how it has affected me and my family for my entry for Miracle’s challenge. It needed to be written. Please do not read if you feel it might upset you.

Kind Regards – K

 

It was a  seemingly random day, temperature about 90 degrees, the 28th day of August, 17 years ago,that I got the call.

As the news was reported to me and the other end hung up, I dropped to the floor as my knees gave way. There was no attempt to stay upright. The house phone must have fallen beside me, though I have no recollection. Shock. Disbelief. Just an all consuming overwhelming sadness of something I struggled to grasp, believe,  but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t quite fathom.

My next thought, the children… Where is K? Did she overhear? OH MY GOD, screamed my brain! I must find K!  How will I ever tell her?   Then I shall have to find D,  he is playing with his friends. OH! DEAR! GOD!  How can I? How does one? I shouted out my daughter’s name and went off looking for her…  and a bit later we drove off to find my son.

 

Now, 17 years later.

That fateful day. This thought still travels through my brain. Why? Why didn’t you call me and tell me you were struggling with life? That you had such a dark  shadow of a cloud hanging over you? Why did you just give into it, in silence?

We know not why he felt he had no choice. But, his suicide is still a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. It is rarely spoken about. When it is, we handle it matter of fact, due to it’s familiarity. Seemingly odd, that could be something  with which we’ve become comfortable.

It is what it is. We cannot change what happened. We have no choice but to accept what is. He made the decision and gave us no vote.

What can we do? Nothing, is the answer.

 

We live our daily lives as most everyone does. When the day is quiet, I often speak to him and ask him questions, to which I get no replies nor will I ever.

Sometimes I even get angry and yell at him for being so self centered and selfish. Other times, I speak as I talk to an old best friend. My heart believes he sees how well the children have done through the years.

He knows what wonderful loving adults they are.

I believe he does. For that is what I am left with. That is MY choice.

The only one my ex-husband left me.

 

In loving Memory of Rocklin DeWayne Webb 9.1.63 – 8.28.99

 

 

 

Daily post Miniature

Advertisements