Finally! Headed up the Home Stretch 4.18.19

Yes! Up… the home stretch!

No, DOWN here!

4.14.19, took my final dose of lorazepam!

Flushed what was left!

C’ya!!

Pollen is a higher than high in North Carolina today! Not sure if my head fog is from withdrawals or allergies or both!

What I DO know-

1) Don’t! Try this at home like I did!

2) Definitely! Have a good support system in place!

3) Look! For the bright side!

4) This is NOT EASY!! It’s HARD work!

5) It’s so WORTH it! (I have been able to tell in between medication drops!)

6) I’m soooo ready to be DONE!

I would like to thank each and everyone of my blog friends for their support! 💕

I’m sending out sunshine hugs to my beautiful daughter and family! Not sure what I would be doing without their visits! ☀️

#winning!!

Kind Regards – K

Locked in a Haze 3.22.2019

If anyone had told me 2 months ago this is how I would be spending today, I would have laughed at them.

But, here I am. In a hazy zone of .75 of lorazepam away of being free of over 20 years of medicinal prescription Xanax.

Not abused, but fighting the fight of panic and anxiety.

Day 3 in of this step and I’m living through swollen eyelids of fuzzy vision, achy joints, burning muscles and fog brain. Rather like driving down a road through thick fog on the dead of night in a downpour.

You can barely see to make your way home. Yet, you are determined to do just that!

As I am, determined to make my way home!

Get through this damn process!

Claim my life back!

Has it been just over a month?

Cripes! It feels likes it’s been a year!!

I’m not whining, though I would love to, ha ha! 😉

Keep those prayers coming! I’m headed for the home stretch…

Watch out, I’m coming home!

💋🎶🎶💋

#winning!!

Kind Regards and love to all – K

Photography copyrighted and compliments of K of theBlackWallBlog!

Nightmare within a Nightmare 3.2019

 

blue skies intermittent with clouds march 2019

 

A freshly baked tingling, numb turnover

Filled with pudding-like loneliness

Drizzled with sadness

Placed in the center of the breakfast plate,

and served with a side of cold truth coffee.

 

I realize my physician is trying to help. If it hadn’t been for the fact my psychiatrist at home had suggested the drug, I would not have tried it.

Saturday, I drove the 12 miles to Walmart. (Yahoo me), and picked up my scripts. Included was the new one, $200 dollar for the generic version of Abilify.

Six hours from taking 1/4 of a pill, 5 mgs, I became very angry at the dogs as we were out in the field. A little voice in my head, thought, this is odd. Why am I mad at the dogs? Once we got into the house, the dogs had their treats and I settled to watch a movie, a dreadful feeling of loss, hopelessness and sadness hit my gut. I started to sob. I reached for tissue to capture the giant tears that rolled down my face.

Taking a few deep breaths, I thought, what the hell?

I grabbed a glass of water, inhaled and exhaled some deep cleansing breaths, then napped off and on for the next 12 hours. I was sooo tired. That was Saturday.

Sunday, I awoke, and took another 5 mgs. it wasnt long and I grew very sleepy, I hadn’t been up very long. Barely, long enough to shower and have some breakfast, take the dogs out and back to sleep I went. I awoke in a fog. Took the dogs out, felt the anger like rage pop up again. WTH? Something was wrong. Why was I so enraged? The dogs and I worked our way to the house, feeling exhausted I plunked my butt on the couch and researched, withdrawal symptoms and then Abilify.

Dang! it was the Abilify! A known side effect that was not put as a warning on any literature. Some of the stories I read and the study findings I discovered gave me goosebumps. Then, the sobbing started…

>>>>>>>>>

Another bump in the road. I will get through this one too. No more Abilify. As a matter of fact, no more “so called” helpful drug(s) until I am through the detoxing. I want to try the natural way. Good food and exercise. I have 2 mg of lorazepam to go.

Wish me luck.

 

Kind Regards and determined to win – K

 

After the Rooster Crows 2.6.2019

IMG_9799

Good morning.

Happy Wednesday!

According to Siri, my I-phone, Troutman, NC should have a temperature 

Around 70 degrees today! yahoo!

 

Do you have a morning routine?

I do.

Start the coffee, walk the dogs, feed the fur children, Marbre’, my cat, then my beloved canines, Chief and Abby.

Pour a cup of coffee.

Pop open the computer, a fresh word doc and type or grab a pen, my journal and write.

There is something about putting pen to paper, I find calming and soothing.

Early Morning Journaling

My scrawled words

Enrich the paper

Wtih sentiments, thoughts and wishes.

From dreams, to logging life’s events.

Whether fond memories, frustration or woes.

Releasing all upon a blank sheet,

Creates an inner harmony 

 No other early morning

 Activity can beat.

Writing or typing allows me 

An opportunity to

 Makes sense of some,

Chuckle at others,

Or allows me, to set free

Any negativity from yesterday. 

A clean slate, 

Enables my heart,

My soul, my mind

To open, be trusting, 

And accept 

All the possiblities,

And potential,

Of a fresh, new day!

 

 I am thinking of creating a journal with a large variety of life’s pictures, from a group of friends photos scattered throughout. The clicks can be used for writing exercises or for the viewing pleasure of the person who still journals. What do you think?

Kind Regards and #winning – K

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Own the Day! 1.31.2019

 

orangeflowersfromghehauntedhouse

 

Good morning all. 

 19 degrees here in North Carolina! We are extremely lucky considering other parts of the country are experiencing sub-zero temps. 

I wanted to share a little something I wrote a few weeks ago. When you endure days with anxiety, panic and depression, you often have to reach deep to find your strength.

Writing brings my inner strength to the forefront of my mind and helps me  grab onto the life I deserve! Putting my thoughts on paper, re-enforces the positive and gives me a little extra push, for my continuous journey forward.

Part of #winning is learning what it takes to be your own cheerleader!

 

Own the Day

‘Own the day or the day could own you.’- Kallie Knight

She was back! The drug, the doctor had prescribed day before yesterday, had taken her to a euphoria buzz, onto fog brain, then about 12 hours later, weakness, severe headache, heart palpitations accompanied by a sore throat.

Thursday had been a waste.  She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t think clearly enough to perform the simple task of washing the dishes.

Damn doctors, she thought. Why can’t they listen? She had told her new primary care physician, that anything he prescribed needed to be the lowest dose then divided by half.  Thank heavens she had taken half a pill, 10 mg of the 20 mg prescription.

The drug? ESCITLOPRAM. It was supposed to enhance her mood, work with her current depression med. Now, she knew, when and IF she attempted it again, she was would only take 5mg.

Right now, she had responsibilities. Her dogs, prepping to finally, after a month and a half of living in an interim place, to MOVE! A REAL apartment!  The place she would call home.

K smiled as she  looked forward to hanging her hat!

YES! Today she would start to move a few things.  Luckily, her daughter who currently lived there, had the second bathroom cleaned out. Today, she would pick the items that could fit into that room. Only, fifteen minutes away from her current location it was like the difference from night and day.

Troutman, NC was a slice of heaven! Acres of fields, open space with the bonus of horses and cows, down the road. It was the one place, her whole being felt at home.

 

 

FINALLY, she felt HOPEFUL!

Doing the best one can, under any circumstance is what earns a person the title of survivor.

Feeling intense relief, she sipped her morning coffee, and felt exhilarated!

She KNEW-

TODAY, SHE OWNED THE DAY!

headinthecloudstroutmannc

zentozanythingsyoulearninastorm

Compliments of Zen to Zany!!

 

Kind Regards and #winning – K

 

Boundaries and no answers. 12.16.18

Dealing with changes is challenging no matter what your age.

At 56 after waiting 8 very long years for my son, a vet and I, to find a middle ground, I decided to make that move from NH to NC.

Sadly/gladly, thanks to my daughter, the day we packed the truck for the move, I saw my son for the first time in two years.

He stated, you’ve never came to visit me. Interesting statement considering I had been told his home was off limits.

Trying for a mom hug, the response? “You start any shit and I’ll get in my truck and leave.”

Painful? Hell yes!

Am I still sad? Definitely!

Can I continue to keep my life on hold? No!

He’s angry about life.

I’ve researched, tried at least 20 plus ways to approach him.

It doesn’t work!

I’ve been in NC, barely a week and now I’m getting angry texts. Some random subjects that make zero sense, others make sense but, why now?

He just threatened me with not being in my life if I don’t give a particular item of mine, that I had planned on giving him.

Uhm, hello?

He would have had it the day I moved. Unfortunately in texting with him a few days earlier he informed me he wasn’t going to be there, so I packed it.

Three guesses which box? Honestly, I don’t know.

My dad was a correctional officer in the 1940-50’s. I have his badge. My son followed a similar route, not the same state. Yes, it would be awesome for him to have it.

But he’s accusing me of hiding it from him. Sigh.

So after numerous ugly texts that started last night. Then continued into today.

I blocked him.

Then got physically ill.

😢

He text me a different way.

“You blocked me?”

I didn’t answer.

I’m out of answers.

My son always says-

A MOTHER NEVER GIVES UP!

He’s Right!

I JUST PUT MYSELF IN TIMEOUT!

❤️

“It’s okay to be scared, but you have to get out there, open up, love, make mistakes, learn, be stronger, and start all over again. -Unknown

Kind Regards and

Moving forward- K

😎

Photography compliments of K of TheBlackWallBlog 12.18