Don’t like it? Change it! 4.2.2019

blue skies 15.19

Happy Tuesday morning!

How is everyone doing?


As most of you know, I am on the the second to last leg of withdrawing off prescription Xanax. Not due to abuse, but due to moving to a new state and struggling to find a doctor that will continue the same anxiety regimen I have been on for the last 20 years.

My next doctors visit will be April 10th and I only have .75 of Lorazepam to go. My current drop has been 1.50 broken into 2 weeks drop of .75 each.

It has not been a fun one. Good ol’ anxiety has reared it’s head. Not an old friend I am welcoming with open arms. Grrrr!

I was chatting with my daughter on the phone yesterday, complaining about the current state of anxiousness. She said, “Good! Don’t like it, this is a chance for you to change it.”

At first I was a bit taken aback.

Then the more I thought about it. I realized, SHE WAS RIGHT!

I was NOT going to allow this anxiety to get the best of me! This was not a new path. The battle of wits between this old enemy of mine has been going on and off for years. I was NOT going to lay down and take it!

Realistically, I was smart enough to know that I needed a good nights rest, and it would be good to hit it head on in the morning. I watched some television and headed to bed.

I arose this morning, took a shower. The whole time practicing positive self talk. Along with my self talk, I envisioned a positive outcome. This was something I learned and practiced a long time ago.

I thought, why not give it a try, again?

Today’s battle? To be able to drive to the grocery store!

It may not sound like a big deal, but, anxiety can be a sneaky bugger and talk you out of all kinds of things. Especially, when you have to go a few weeks not driving due to withdrawals.

The outcome?

Winner, winner, chicken, dinner! I just arrived home, with a few groceries.



Remember to always celebrate the seemingly little things! You deserve it!

Kind Regards and hugs – K


PS- A shout out thank you goes to my daughter! I love it when she pushes me! Love you honey! xxooxxoo


Locked in a Haze 3.22.2019

If anyone had told me 2 months ago this is how I would be spending today, I would have laughed at them.

But, here I am. In a hazy zone of .75 of lorazepam away of being free of over 20 years of medicinal prescription Xanax.

Not abused, but fighting the fight of panic and anxiety.

Day 3 in of this step and I’m living through swollen eyelids of fuzzy vision, achy joints, burning muscles and fog brain. Rather like driving down a road through thick fog on the dead of night in a downpour.

You can barely see to make your way home. Yet, you are determined to do just that!

As I am, determined to make my way home!

Get through this damn process!

Claim my life back!

Has it been just over a month?

Cripes! It feels likes it’s been a year!!

I’m not whining, though I would love to, ha ha! πŸ˜‰

Keep those prayers coming! I’m headed for the home stretch…

Watch out, I’m coming home!



Kind Regards and love to all – K

Photography copyrighted and compliments of K of theBlackWallBlog!

Nightmare within a Nightmare 3.2019


blue skies intermittent with clouds march 2019


A freshly baked tingling, numb turnover

Filled with pudding-like loneliness

Drizzled with sadness

Placed in the center of the breakfast plate,

and served with a side of cold truth coffee.


I realize my physician is trying to help. If it hadn’t been for the fact my psychiatrist at home had suggested the drug, I would not have tried it.

Saturday, I drove the 12 miles to Walmart. (Yahoo me), and picked up my scripts. Included was the new one, $200 dollar for the generic version of Abilify.

Six hours from taking 1/4 of a pill, 5 mgs, I became very angry at the dogs as we were out in the field. A little voice in my head, thought, this is odd. Why am I mad at the dogs? Once we got into the house, the dogs had their treats and I settled to watch a movie, a dreadful feeling of loss, hopelessness and sadness hit my gut. I started to sob. I reached for tissue to capture the giant tears that rolled down my face.

Taking a few deep breaths, I thought, what the hell?

I grabbed a glass of water, inhaled and exhaled some deep cleansing breaths, then napped off and on for the next 12 hours. I was sooo tired. That was Saturday.

Sunday, I awoke, and took another 5 mgs. it wasnt long and I grew very sleepy, I hadn’t been up very long. Barely, long enough to shower and have some breakfast, take the dogs out and back to sleep I went. I awoke in a fog. Took the dogs out, felt the anger like rage pop up again. WTH? Something was wrong. Why was I so enraged? The dogs and I worked our way to the house, feeling exhausted I plunked my butt on the couch and researched, withdrawal symptoms and then Abilify.

Dang! it was the Abilify! A known side effect that was not put as a warning on any literature. Some of the stories I read and the study findings I discovered gave me goosebumps. Then, the sobbing started…


Another bump in the road. I will get through this one too. No more Abilify. As a matter of fact, no more “so called” helpful drug(s) until I am through the detoxing. I want to try the natural way. Good food and exercise. I have 2 mg of lorazepam to go.

Wish me luck.


Kind Regards and determined to win – K


#Winning 2.28.2019

Good morning.

Twelve days of hell so far.

Prescription anxiety

medication detoxing

Has caused me daily

Pins and needles in my feet and hands, night sweats, tunnel vision, migraines, high blood pressure, rapid heart rate to name a few and Tuesday, vertigo appeared.

I haven’t been able to drive all this time. Hell, taking the dogs out and attempting to maintain some sort of daily schedule has been an extreme effort.

Since my normal blood pressure runs low, with the high blood pressure and vertigo, my doctor felt it was best for me to come right in for a check up.

Luckily, I have very nice neighbors. One drove me to my appointment.

The appointment went well. It was a relief to know there were no major health threats.

I am not a drug abuser.

I have been on one certain med for a very long time. Long term use can have some harmful side effects, so my new primary care physician decided it was best that I change medications.

Today, I awoke and felt better. 😁

Hopping in the shower, I made up my mind it was time to take a leap through the anxiety wall.

I wrote one thing on a post-I- note, that I needed at the grocery store. My goal? At least get to the store and purchase that one item!

While in the shower I played the scene in my mind. I smiled as I saw myself succeeding! Go me!

As I am writing I am looking at the 5 things I actually picked up!


Happy dance!

One goal!

One step towards #winning!

Today, do just one thing.

Pick one tiny thing that will help you move forward.

Then do it!

Then celebrate!

You are #winning!

Kind Regards and hugs – K

Transitioning 2.22.19

I’m cold, I’m hot,

I’m hot, I’m cold.

I’m a little shy

And then I’m bold.

What was that?

Oh that?

It was a zap!

A tingling if you may.

My fingers, my toes,

It comes and goes.

Take a hot shower, ahhh!

Go for a walk!

Drink lots of water,

Flush it out!

Breath! Just breath!

Drink a healthy smoothie

Make it two!

Oh crap!

What was that?

Another zap!

Just because there’s a PhD

Doesn’t mean, they

Know what’s best for me.

For years I’ve studied

My anxiety.

I’m hot, I’m cold

I’m cold, I’m hot!

I’m a little shy

And then I’m bold.

What was that?

Oh that?

It was a zap!

A tingling if you may.

My fingers, my toes,

It comes and goes.

Hanging in there,

Soon it will be over.


Kind Regards – K


ZEN TO ZANY CAPTURES IT AGAIN. Please visit her site on


Celebrate! Celebrate! Dance to the music… (Three Dog Night)


Good morning,

Yesterday morning, when I took the dogs out for their morning walk… the sky, almost daylight bright from the light beaming from the moon and stars, looked as if someone had tossed hand fulls of cotton balls all about. It was an awesome sight! This morning, it’s dark and drizzling.

BUT there is “nothing” that can darken this day!

TODAY, I will be attending my youngest grand daughter’s birthday party. It will be the first time I will be able to appear in person, not via FACETIME!

Happy Dance!!Β  WOOT WOOT!!


Tomorrow, I will start the med change, for today I will revel in what I have been hoping to do for FIVE years!





Kind Regards and wishing you the best day- K