Yesterday morning, when I took the dogs out for their morning walk… the sky, almost daylight bright from the light beaming from the moon and stars, looked as if someone had tossed hand fulls of cotton balls all about. It was an awesome sight! This morning, it’s dark and drizzling.
BUT there is “nothing” that can darken this day!
TODAY, I will be attending my youngest grand daughter’s birthday party. It will be the first time I will be able to appear in person, not via FACETIME!
Happy Dance!! WOOT WOOT!!
Tomorrow, I will start the med change, for today I will revel in what I have been hoping to do for FIVE years!
TODAY, WE SHALL CELEBRATE LIFE WITH DANCING, SINGING, ENJOYING GRANDDAUGHTER HUGS AND EATING CAKE!!
If you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or that you might harm yourself.
Call 911, Call a friend, get to the Emergency room and explain how you feel.
SUICIDE is NOT the answer.
I have written a short recollection, of the impact of suicide and how it has affected me and my family for my entry for Miracle’s challenge. It needed to be written. Please do not read if you feel it might upset you.
Kind Regards – K
It was a seemingly random day, temperature about 90 degrees, the 28th day of August, 17 years ago,that I got the call.
As the news was reported to me and the other end hung up, I dropped to the floor as my knees gave way. There was no attempt to stay upright. The house phone must have fallen beside me, though I have no recollection. Shock. Disbelief. Just an all consuming overwhelming sadness of something I struggled to grasp, believe, but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t quite fathom.
My next thought, the children… Where is K? Did she overhear?OH MY GOD, screamed my brain! I must find K! How will I ever tell her? Then I shall have to find D, he is playing with his friends. OH! DEAR! GOD! How can I? How does one? I shouted out my daughter’s name and went off looking for her… and a bit later we drove off to find my son.
Now, 17 years later.
That fateful day. This thought still travels through my brain. Why? Why didn’t you call me and tell me you were struggling with life? That you had such a dark shadow of a cloud hanging over you? Why did you just give into it, in silence?
We know not why he felt he had no choice. But, his suicide is still a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. It is rarely spoken about. When it is, we handle it matter of fact, due to it’s familiarity. Seemingly odd, that could be something with which we’ve become comfortable.
It is what it is. We cannot change what happened. We have no choice but to accept what is. He made the decision and gave us no vote.
What can we do? Nothing, is the answer.
We live our daily lives as most everyone does. When the day is quiet, I often speak to him and ask him questions, to which I get no replies nor will I ever.
Sometimes I even get angry and yell at him for being so self centered and selfish. Other times, I speak as I talk to an old best friend. My heart believes he sees how well the children have done through the years.
He knows what wonderful loving adults they are.
I believe he does. For that is what I am left with. That is MY choice.
The only one my ex-husband left me.
In loving Memory of Rocklin DeWayne Webb 9.1.63 – 8.28.99
“The sun always shines above the clouds.” – Paul F. Davis
My Recipe
I start with a bag of optimism,
Add a growing gratitude list
Toss in a willingness to try
And serve it with a positive attitude.
People continue to ask:
“What specifically is in your toolbox?”
Here is a partial list of the contents:
*1 GIANT barrel of Hope.
*Lots of trial and error.
*A strong will to keep moving forward.
*1/2 box of dual purpose tissues. (Perfect for sad or joyful tears.)
*2 bottles of Elmer’s glue, leftover from when I had to put my pieces back together.
*Last hugs from people I have loved and lost or had to leave behind. They are pieces of my foundation.
*New hugs for people I have yet to meet.
*An old worn out pair of hiking boots that remind me of the mountains I have climbed and the deserts I have crossed. They are a reminder of the obstacles I have overcome.
*One of many favorite books- “The Language of Letting Go, written by Melody Beattie with numerous dog-eared pages.
As Soon as I get some sleep
We are so going to break up.
My eyes are blood shot and my body so weak,
A good night's rest is all that I seek.
I've drank a whole pot of coffee, and
Still not sure, I can get through the day,
Oh Lord, my shirts on backwards,
How the heck did I get this way?
Even though the dogs are tired,
They're still begging for their treat.
I just wanna snuggle with my pillow
Heck! The suns arriving and I'm already beat.
Today, I have a full schedule, many things to get done
I just found my missing glasses tucked in the freezer.
My eyes are seeing spots and just wont stay open
Should I take the day off? Perhaps, give myself a breather?
Dear insomnia feel free to get out of my life
All night my mind wouldn't stop, it was doing a race.
I just tripped over an imaginary bump in the floor
I feel like a klutz and dang! Even my sneakers won't lace.
Have you ever experienced this?
Spent the night, Watched the clock,
As you go nuts continuously tossing and turning?
When the buzz of the alarm tells you, it's time to get up,
You groan, 'cuz a few ZZZZs is all you're still yearning?
Sounds silly I know, for me to be whining
And to think as a child I balked at a nap!
Now as an adult with the yawns, I would love one.
Hmmmm, I think I have an idea for Apples next app!
Okay, so I pushed the poetry dos and don'ts
and even proper English envelope! But if I can't goof
around with my words, what's the point, what's my purpose of being able to
write and share your thoughts? One should never stop creating if that is
what they crave and makes you happy! Make your own path...
Individuality is a large part of what life is all about.
The irony is I have actually put my glasses in the freezer when I was over tired.
It still makes me chuckle. To this day, whenever I have misplaced something
that is the first place I look!!
Enjoy your day!!
Just as the veteran cannot control his flashbacks nor can an individual predict what dreams they will experience at night. A person who lives fighting depression is unable to control the days they feel down. But, the good news is they can try!
Unlike a bad case of the chicken pox, depression is not visible. I have been told my depression is all in my head. Obviously, if you can’t see it, it cannot exist, right? Wrong! We are near or next to people each day and have no idea they fight to embrace the positive side of existence.
There are days when I feel like that cartoon character that walks around with the pesky rain cloud overhead. Other days, I awake to find sunshine in my head, heart and soul.
Each day, I struggle to achieve inner peace and true happiness. My tool box filled with tips and tricks of being positive shows wear and tear from years of usage. It isn’t sitting in the corner collecting dust. Every morning, I journal my long list of gratitudes. I work on positive affirmations, listen to upbeat music, play happify.com and push forward through the storm towards the bright light of smiles and feel good moments.
Some days I dance, some days I falter.
Some days I am a circus clown doing a juggling act. Often, I grow weary and tired. Yet, I continue my goal to push through the wall that often seems to block my path to a life of content. Determination and the knowledge that I am a winner keeps me going.
I take the time to see the beauty that is all around me. I do my best to be there for others. Having watched the secret I continuously practice the art of staying open to what the universe can provide. It is amazing what shows up at your front door when you least expect it. And the timing is always just right. If I had never allowed myself the chance, I never would have witnessed the miracle. Even writing this I can hear the groans of people that don’t believe. It’s okay! I was once a non-believer. All it took was one time and it literally turned my life around.
It is so frustrating when I hit, what I deem to be, a needless bump in the road. It literally took me 3 months the last time I started seeing a new Psychiatrist to prove that I was really working on winning. Unfortunately, there are some that whether knowing it or not undermine their own success. That is not me. I take my anxiety and low dose of depression meds each day as prescribed. Each meeting, I literally handed my bottles to the new psych doctor and asked him to count them, do the math, determined to prove I was a serious about being well. He really seemed surprised that I was so adamant. Finally, one day he looked at me and I could see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he believed in me. It felt wonderful. I felt the victory! Ahhh, relief! 🙂
My adult son messaged me one day- “You don’t have it all that bad, there are so many people worse off than you. I have watched you since I was twelve years old, mom. Why can’t you quit living in the past, enjoy the now and be happy?” I responded- “You are correct, I don’t have it all that bad.” Then he was gone, not waiting for a further explanation. It was okay that he didn’t. After all, I am his mom and my job is to support him in his journey of life. He doesn’t realize I see a lot of similarities of me in him. I see his struggles and his victories. I am proud!
Many years ago, when my children were very young we had someone close, take their own life. Suicide has never been an option for me. I have seen the impact on the people left behind. I know the questions that will never have answers. It is something that stays with you for the rest of your life. You remember, but you have to let go and know that there is nothing you can do to change the past. I went to visit the grave and yell at him for being so stupid. In all, I ranted, raved and told him what I thought for over 25 minutes. I didn’t know why at the time, but I HAD TO DO IT! It took the anguish and anger I was feeling away. That venting was mind and soul freeing and one of the best decisions I have made. (I haven’t a clue whether or not anyone witnessed it. I am sure if they did they thought I was a nut case!) Oh well! Smirk.
I truly believe that no matter what we face each day, things will get better!
“The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving.”– Oliver Wendell Holmes
“There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures.”– Josiah Gilbert Holland
“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.”– William James
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”– Lao Tzu
“You may find the worst enemy or best friend in yourself.”– English Proverb
“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.”– Jack Canfield
theblackwallblog 