Some days I dance!

Thank you Zen to Zany!!

Just as the veteran cannot control his flashbacks nor can an individual predict what dreams they will experience at night. A person who lives fighting depression is unable to control the days they feel down. But, the good news is they can try!

Unlike a bad case of the chicken pox, depression is not visible.  I have been told my depression is all in my head. Obviously, if you can’t see it, it cannot exist, right? Wrong!  We are near or next to people each day and have no idea they fight to embrace the positive side of existence.

There are days when I feel like that cartoon character that walks around with the pesky rain cloud overhead. Other days, I awake to find sunshine in my head, heart and soul.

Each day, I struggle to achieve inner peace and true happiness. My tool box filled with tips and tricks of being positive shows wear and tear from years of usage. It isn’t sitting in the corner collecting dust. Every morning, I journal my long list of gratitudes. I work on positive affirmations, listen to upbeat music, play happify.com and push forward through the storm towards the bright light of smiles and feel good moments.

Some days I dance, some days I falter.

Some days I am a circus clown doing a juggling act. Often, I grow weary and tired. Yet, I continue my goal to push through the wall that often seems to block my path to a life of content. Determination and the knowledge that I am a winner keeps me going.

I take the time to see the beauty that is all around me. I do my best to be there for others. Having watched the secret I continuously practice the art of staying open to what the universe can provide.   It is amazing what shows up at your front door when you least expect it. And the timing is always just right. If I had never allowed myself the chance, I never would have witnessed the miracle. Even writing this I can hear the groans of people that don’t believe. It’s okay! I was once a non-believer. All it took was one time and it literally turned my life around.

It is so frustrating when I hit, what I deem to be, a needless bump in the road. It literally took me 3 months the last time I started seeing a new Psychiatrist to prove that I was really working on winning. Unfortunately, there are some that whether knowing it or not undermine their own success. That is not me. I take my anxiety and low dose of depression meds each day as prescribed. Each meeting, I literally handed my bottles to the new psych doctor and asked him to count them, do the math, determined to prove I was a serious about being well. He really seemed surprised that I was so adamant. Finally, one day he looked at me and I could see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he believed in me. It felt wonderful.  I felt the victory!  Ahhh, relief! 🙂

My adult son messaged me one day- “You don’t have it all that bad, there are so many people worse off than you. I have watched you since I was twelve years old, mom. Why can’t you quit living in the past, enjoy the now and be happy?” I responded- “You are correct, I don’t have it all that bad.”  Then he was gone, not waiting for a further explanation. It was okay that he didn’t.  After all, I am his mom and my job is to support him in his journey of life. He doesn’t realize I see a lot of similarities of me in him. I see his struggles and his victories. I am proud!

Many years ago, when my children were very young we had someone close, take their own life. Suicide has never been an option for me. I have seen the impact on the people left behind. I know the questions that will never have answers. It is something that stays with you for the rest of your life.  You remember, but you have to let go and know that there is nothing you can do to change the past. I went to visit the grave and yell at him for being so stupid. In all, I ranted, raved and told him what I thought for over 25 minutes. I didn’t know why at the time, but I HAD TO DO IT!  It took the anguish and anger I was feeling away. That venting was mind and soul freeing and one of the best decisions I have made.  (I haven’t a clue whether or not anyone witnessed it. I am sure if they did they thought I was a nut case!) Oh well!  Smirk.

I truly believe that no matter what we face each day, things will get better!

“The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving.”– Oliver Wendell Holmes

“There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures.”– Josiah Gilbert Holland

“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.”– William James

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”– Lao Tzu

“You may find the worst enemy or best friend in yourself.”– English Proverb

“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.”– Jack Canfield

Click below to hear

Matt Kennon – The Call music video- Posted by a veteran who knows

 

 

 

Kind Regards and #winning – K

Angry